Hello friends,
I just wanted to share some observations that I’ve made over the course of my sadhana. I’m afraid that for a long time the notion that I do not need a master, someone who has attained perfect God-realization, has been failing me. For a while I was quite satisfied with the idea. But now I’m starting to see clearly that the one most important missing element is that I in fact do need the help of a living (or otherwise perceptible) master. I’ll explain through my experiences.
So after starting AYP in mid 2011, I’ve gone down a long road of spiritual direction. There have been many extreme ups and downs. I have seen much progress, and I am glad I was able to achieve that alone with the tools provided by Yogani. However, there is still MUCH work to be done, many self created illusions to be seen through, and I just can’t imagine that I alone can cut through this junk all by myself. It hasn’t worked so far. If I were to use a metaphor I would say it’s like riding a boat across the river. We can say the boat is the mind. Now the boat has many tiny little holes in it. As the boat crosses the river water seeps through the holes, and I am frantically trying to cover the holes with my hands. It simply cannot be done from within the boat- it will inevitably sink. I need someone who’s experienced with boats, who knows how to fix the holes and make sure the boat can travel safely across the water. So, my experience is that it is VERY hard to try to get rid of negative tendencies and illusions all on my own.
I have felt much of what is discussed in AYP. I’ve felt a love so powerful I thought my chest would burst right open and swallow up the whole universe. And yet, mere moments later after an incident, I could slip in a rage. The ecstasy I felt so easily replaced with pain. The tendency to slip back into negative behaviors and ways of thinking is quite strong here. I feel it’s as if I’ve caught myself in a never-ending cycle. Feeling as though I’m getting somewhere, then slipping back to square one. Perhaps this is some sort of imbalance, but quite frankly I feel it will take me a very long time trying to work it out all on my own.
You see, I take full responsibility for my spiritual work. I don’t think finding a master will solve my problems then and there, and I don’t expect a master to make the work easier for me. But I do expect finding a master will make things much clearer to me. I just think it’s a lot easier to see Truth when there is a light to guide you. It’s a lot easier to see your delusions when an objective perspective is presented to you. It’s very easy to trick myself, my mind is very strong. I can try to be as authentic as I want but still stones may be left unturned. The ego will always try to hide, even behind the notion of being authentic. Whether I’m wrong or not, the fact is so far this has been my experience. Many great teachers have stressed the importance of having the guidance of a Guru. I don’t think their advice is unwarranted. Right now I’m unsure of a lot of things in a spiritual sense, and I just want to see living proof that what I’m after in this lifetime is very real and very much something I can achieve.
So friends, please offer me some guidance here. If you have any helpful words against my view, feel free to share. I know there are some here who have discussed their experiences with having a guru, can you provide me with some insight and information? How did you find them? Do you feel it was a necessary step in spiritual growth? If so, when did you realize you needed that kind of guidance? Now I know there are a few who will say “if you pay attention, everyone can be your guru.” Yes I very well know God speaks through many voices and encounters, but I am talking about a person who has direct perception of the One, the Absolute Truth, and has the desire to help others find that.
Also if anyone knows of any spiritual teachers that frequently visit or are based in the NYC area, PLEASE send me some info via this discussion or email. I am really craving the physical presence of a master to just sit with them in Satsang. Please share your knowledge on the subject if you know anything.
Thank you!
Edit: subject wording
Hello Chaz,
Your longing for a living master is palpable. I feel the same way sometimes. Maybe you will find your guru. I hope your bhakti will bring you answers.
The metaphor of the boat you use to cross the ocean is a familiar one to me. I have had a similar “vision.” This is a kind of koan. Where are you going with the boat? What is the boat? What else is there? What is impermanent and what is permanent?
It seems to me that the boat is the ego. The ego is dissolving - the boat has many holes - and the mind tries to save the ego (the boat). The mind is telling you that nothing is happening, that you should abandon what you are doing. Whatever you do, it would be good to keep up the practice. You are getting somewhere. 
Dear Chaz,
Good to hear from you. I logged onto to the forum today, to discuss exactly this.
I, too, sometimes despair of making progress and really wish I had one on one access to a physical Guru. It is a feeling of two steps forward, one step backward. Then information about a technique you have been using would pop up and you would realize you may not have been paying enough attention to the instruction given (something a master would have corrected you straight away). But I keep going and all in all, I trust the path.
What causes concern is when a teacher like Sri Mukherjee says that initiation is the foundation of the building you are trying to build, without which you will never make it. What to believe?
I just keep going. Perhaps the only advice I can offer is one of Yogani’s - one which I have to remind myself of every now and again, so as not to get caught up in mind games:
'"Do your practices daily like brushing your teeth - then forget everything and go out and live fully. "
Stop trying to be this or that or do this or that. Just do the practices and let everything else take care of itself.
Sey
Edit - P.S. You know what else? I may never reach some grand state of realization or Liberation without a master, but I am happy with the self-improvement I have been able to achieve reflected in my relationships to others. And that makes it all worth it.
Hi Chaz, I appreciate your post, very profound and honest. Thank you.
If your inner guru is clearly telling you that time has come for you to find a guru, then I would suggest to follow that. But I would avoid going to the first guru you find, and just stay open and wait for the right one to appear on your path.
Did you already come across a guru that attracted you? That would be a clear sign too that you have to make such step.
Wish you all the best.
quote Chaz [quote]
Do you feel it was a necessary step in spiritual growth? If so, when did you realize you needed that kind of guidance?
[/quote]
For me yes, it was not a guru of name and fame, and he didn’t liked the word guru. He was my yoga teacher. Also he was very strict in independence and “you are doing this yourself” saying. I recognized in him what I was longing for and that was not on a personal level. First I didn’t understand myself in this. I started to talk with him, when I read Patanjali and realized I needed help.
I know he was important to me, looking back, he was my mirror. I talked sometimes with him if I was caught in my mind again. It helped. He pointed me back, gave me tools. Never a solution.
I trusted him and believe that because of my love for him, I received visions that were life and perspective changing, but can I say that for sure?
I don’t know, what I do know is that he was there at the right place and the right time.
On the other hand, when he left me, it was so painful, but also that was at the right time.
Don’t know if this is helpful,
[OM]
PS I didn’t had AYP back then.
Believing that a guru is necessary is also the mind which is saying there is something to reach somewhere…stay in the present moment.
Hi Chaz, welcome back!
If I remember right from your early posts, you’re relatively young right? (mid 20’s?) Well you have that going for you; this is an important decision as the right guru may propel you forward and the wrong one can really mangle things worse than you believe they are. Now is the time to pursue this before family and career make this decision a less viable one. Do you really fall back to square one when you stumble? I think not; keeping up with daily practices assures you are moving forward regardless of occasional missteps.
I believe youthfulness is somewhat impatient and desire burns strongly. I’m in my fifties and have only been with AYP for a couple of years, so this Guru In You approach completely satisfies my spiritual thirst. Then again, I don’t have an Enlightenment Endgame in my sights, I’m loving the texture differences in each and every sit and that is enough for me. I wish you well in your quest of the heart and let us know how it goes.
Hello Chaz
What is it that you are unclear about?
I shouldn’t worry about the holes in that boat either. Blanche has already said it - sooner or later, the boat will have to go.
Hi Chaz,
Great advice already from everyone. Thank you for sharing. Your longing for the truth is evident in the post. What are your practices as of right now? I have a feeling that you may be overloading. Sometimes, it’s better to lay off energetic practices when one is going through extreme ups and downs and ground oneself.
Something you can try- Next time you are going through a high state. How about you remind yourself that this too shall pass? Don’t push the experience away, be with it. But don’t cling on to it either and same when a low state comes up. At this time you are letting your states of experience, pull you here and there.
Is Samyama part of your practice? You should have some degree of inner silence by now. This is a wonderful practice in letting go. Letting go everything- states of experience, action, thought and so on.
Blanche is right. The mind is coming up with all of these questions. Have you tried self inquiry? This will help you see through the mind.
Spiritual community does help one in the journey. We are a big group here. If your heart’s desire is to meet a Guru then follow it. In today’s day and age, you don’t have to go too far to meet a Guru. It’s at the click of a button. The internet has it all.
If a Guru promises you that he can make you enlightened then run the other way. Yes, some Gurus come with special powers, if they are intoxicated with it, then run the other way as well. An authentic Guru like Yogani will provide the tools and let you know that you have to do the digging.
No one can give us enlightenment. The " I and it’s stories" needs to get out of the way. We have to do our own work and dissolve our blockages. We can be open to receive grace. Once we are open, we don’t need to go very far. We can be at the grocery store and a look from a stranger, a tomatoe, an apple, a loved one, an act of kindness, a flower can reveal our true nature.
You have come this far, keep going.
Self Pace, Stay Grounded, Practice and Enjoy Life!
Sunyata
What I am finding lately is that having an ‘ishta’ in a physical or human form is helpful. Earlier my ishta was an abstract ideal, or a mere desire or passion for self improvement. While that remains strong even now, I have been consciously cultivating a personal relationship with an ishta. Having such an intimate, emotional relationship with a real or imaginary form of Guru or God seems critical, which now enables me to slowly open my heart, surrender, cry for help, demand for more progress or whatever, you name it. But that is still not a one on one personal relation where someone acknowledged me as his/her student and guiding on a personal level. It’s all in my mind, and I am happy with that. More than the specific tools and advises, I long for an emotional relationship with a master, where someone loves and cares for you unconditionally. And I suspect such relations are best when imagined, 
where you are assuring yourself your Guru or ishta is always there for you, and you are his/her favorite disciple 
So this seems working for me at this point.
Perhaps a question to ponder is - Are you looking for a Guru for personally adjusted tools and practical details of applying them along the path, or more for a loving emotional support?
All the very best to you in your path
Hi Chaz,
So wonderful to hear from you. Findind a guru is a path that many take; it may be appropriate for you. If you decide to not find a guru, I’d recommend samyama ( like sunyata said) and looking towards an Ishta( like dv2014 said).
I’ll be your guru, Chaz. I’ve attained perfect God-realization. Don’t mind my muddy past. I’m now clean as a whistle and without impurities. Swear to God. 
Just kidding, bro.
Stop trying to be perfect, kid. You already are. All this life is is perfection becoming more perfect (I wrote a blog about that paradox recently in my AYP for Recovery thread).
Spiritual practices just augment and fine-tune the flow of life. The juice of life is found in the arts, crafts, and most importantly, the personal relationships contained within your vicinity of awareness and interaction.
Go out and live life fully. Find a passion and devote yourself to it. Maybe that involves a guru, or maybe you just need to dare to dream that you have something valuable to contribute to the world. I’m betting you do.
Take small steps…nothing too dramatic. Your call. 
P.S. The ego is not the enemy. The ego is the vehicle of enlightenment. Note it!
[quote=“Bodhi Tree”]
P.S. The ego is not the enemy.
[/quote]Of course not, it helps us function till we find a different way of being. But it is full of holes and we may begin to notice them gradually, that’s of course till we realize the whole thing is a work of fiction. I remember Yogani saying somewhere that the ego cuts the branch from under its own feet, so yes, it is a vehicle for enlightenment. This can feel unnerving at times, maybe this is what Chaz is experiencing.
The ego of “I” is not fiction. The ego is very real. Individuality is just as authentic as the whole which it inhabits. The many are the One, and the One are the many.
Tomorrow, I will be posting a blog in my Recovery thread entitled: “Why I Love the Ego”. I encourage all to read! 
Chaz, don’t try to fix all the holes in the boat. It’ll be a never ending endeavor. You’ll just notice and see through one day or maybe you won’t. You don’t have to fix the mind. This yoga is not self help.
Had to post the “Why I Love the Ego” blog tonight:
http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=15322&whichpage=10#135812
Long Live The Ego!!! [Thunderous and roaring applause and shouting]
Hi Chaz,
I would suggest letting go of any grasping for those divine states you have experienced or envision for your future. As you do, and become content with what the divine has brought to you already in your life for you to learn from, and you will find greater peace and harmony and struggle less with emotional imbalance. Even the “lows” can have learning in them, if you stay present through them, in time what you need to know will be revealed. Although unpleasant, the lows will eventually pass too.
Every human being has the capacity to heal themselves and there can be many teachers along the way. As Dogboy says: “I don’t have an Enlightenment Endgame in my sights, I’m loving the texture differences in each and every sit and that is enough for me.”
Best of luck!
Hi Chaz,
I received mantra Diksha from Guru Siyag several years ago and my spiritual journey has been amazing to say the least.
Here is the initiation video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLrENHC4gHw
When you are initiated and start mantra japa you may start to experience
spontaneous kriya: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XH5WX5CdA9A
I hope this helps!
Hello Chaz
My approach lately is the opposite. There is a strong tendency to “guru-ize” certain wise people, and it is seen here that this habit needs breaking.
When introduced to the latest wise person who was immediately put on the guru pedestal, I shied away … forcing myself to avoid his teaching and counsel for a month. I was not allowing myself to perceive him as guru. Even though there was a fairly strong attachment and desire to do just that. Simultaneous with his introduction into my life experience, was a noticeable calming of the raging bhakti which previously drove movement on the path. An unaccustomed peace and steadiness, with more inclination to tarry, go slow, and rest…
At this point, my exposure to him is rationed. As the need for exaltation into guru status decreases, there is more comfort in permitting unlimited access to his work. With sustained attention to the matter, this tendency to see certain people as gurus is being dropped. Replacing it is a quiet respect and honoring of the helpful suggestions provided.
In closing, a paragraph will be shared from Scott Kiloby’s excellent essay on spiritual bypass, entitled - “When We’re Spiritually Lulled and Dulled (and don’t even know it)”:
I’m not purporting to speak on behalf of humanity. I’m not trying to be some preachy authority. I’m just trying to piss you off a little bit or at least lovingly light a fire within you and keep the fire lit and sit with you until everything you and I have avoided comes to the surface and is set free. In this way we can love each other, but not in that clingy, needy way. No, in a mature way that allows each other to actually be who we really are, however that actually shows up, with total forgiveness and compassion for everything as it happens.
love
parvati
I think the problem is people are not familiar with what a guru is.
Maybe this will help from the Kashmir Shiavism, Shiva Sutras.
The sutras are sort of naturally broken into three sections and paths relative to one’s “potential”. This is the “highest” one .
3.1. #257;tm#257; cittam
Individual being is the mind entangled in the wheel of repeated birth and death.
3.2. jñ#257;na#7745; bandha#7717;
(For this limited individual), all knowledge is bondage.
3.3. kal#257;d#299;n#257;#7745; tattv#257;n#257;maviveko m#257;y#257;
Being unable to possess the undifferentiated knowledge of the thirty-one elements, you live in those elements, from kal#257; to p#7771;ithv#299; (earth), which are the expansion of the energy of illusion (m#257;y#257; #347;akti).
3.4. #347;ar#299;re sa#7745;h#257;ra#7717; kal#257;n#257;m
You must make all the circles (kal#257;s) in your body enter one into the other from gross to subtle.
3.5. n#257;#7693;#299;sa#7745;h#257;ra-bh#363;tajaya-bh#363;takaivalya-#8232; bh#363;tap#7771;ithaktv#257;ni
The merging of the movements of breathing, controlling the gross elements, diverting attention from all objective senses and directing it towards the center of the movement of the breath, and removing your consciousness from the grip of the elementary field, …
3.6. moh#257;vara#7751;#257;tsiddhih
… these powers are brought into existence when a yogi’s consciousness is covered by the energy of illusion (m#257;y#257;).
3.7. mohajay#257;d anant#257;bhog#257;t sahajavidy#257;jaya#7717;
After conquering the field of illusion (m#257;y#257;) by destroying its many impressions, one attains the victory of the pure knowledge of consciousness.
3.8. j#257;gratdvit#299;yakarah
The waking state is another formation of his real nature of consciousness.
3.9. nartaka #257;tm#257;
The dancer in this field of universal dance is his self of universal consciousness.
3.10. ra#7749;go’ntar#257;tm#257;
The player is the internal soul.
3.11. prek#7779;ak#257;#7751;#299;ndriy#257;#7751;i
His own organs are spectators.
3.12. dh#299;va#347;#257;tsattvasiddhi#7717;
By means of a supreme intellect filled with awareness of the self, this yog#299; experiences that he is actually acting.
3.13. siddha#7717; svatantrabh#257;va#7717;
The state of absolute independence is already achieved.
3.14. yath#257; tatra tath#257;nyatra
This (absolute independence) is the same in the external world as it was in sam#257;dhi.
3.15. b#299;j#257;vadh#257;nam
Maintain breakless awareness on that supreme energy which is the seed of the universe.
3.16. #257;sanastha#7717; sukha#7745; hrade nimajjati
Seated in that real posture, he effortlessly dives in the ocean of nectar.
3.17. svam#257;tr#257;nirm#257;#7751;am#257;p#257;dayati
Experiencing that this objective world is the product of his subjective consciousness, he can create anything he desires.
3.18. vidy#257; ‘vin#257;#347;e janmavin#257;#347;a#7717;
When his knowledge of the Self is permanently established, then birth (and death) are gone forever.
3.19. kavarg#257;di#7779;u m#257;he#347;vary#257;dy#257;#7717; pa#347;um#257;tara#7717;
In the world of letters, words and sentences, the eight energies of the Lord, who are the mothers of beasts (take control and hold him).
3.20. tri#7779;u caturtha#7745; tailavad#257;secyam
The fourth state (turya) must be expanded like oil so that it pervades the other three: waking, dreaming and deep sleep.
3.21. magna#7717; svacittena pravi#347;et
The yog#299; who is merged in his self must enter completely with his mind filled with great awareness.
3.22. pr#257;#7751;asam#257;c#257;re samadar#347;anam
When his breath begins to slowly move out toward the external state, then he also experiences the pervasion of God consciousness there.
3.23. madhye ‘varaprasava#7717;
He does not experience the state of God consciousness in the center of these three states.
3.24. m#257;tr#257;svapratyayasa#7745;dh#257;ne na#7779;#7789;asya punarutth#257;nam
When a yog#299;, in coming out from sam#257;dhi, also attempts to maintain awareness of God consciousness in the objective world, then, even though his real nature of self is destroyed by the inferior generation of self-consciousness, he again rises in that supreme nature of the self.
3.25. #347;ivatulyo j#257;yate
He becomes just like #346;iva.
3.26. #347;ar#299;rav#7771;ittirvratam
His virtuous behavior is the maintenance of his body.
3.27. kath#257; japa#7717;
Ordinary talk of life is the recitation of mantra.
3.28. d#257;nam#257;tmajñ#257;nam
His only purpose for remaining in his body is to impart knowledge to others.
3.29. yo’vipastho jñ#257;hetu#347;ca
The one who rules the wheel of energies becomes the cause of inserting knowledge in others.
3.30. #347;va#347;aktipracayo’sya vi#347;vam
For him, this universe is the embodiment of his collective energies.
3.31. sthitilayau
This universe is the expansion of his energy in objective impressions and in the dissolution of those impressions.
3.32. tatprav#7771;itt#257;vapyanir#257;sa#7717; sa#7745;vett#7771;ibh#257;v#257;t
Although he is determined in creating, protecting and destroying the universe, even then he is not separated from the real state of his subjectivity.
3.33. sukhadu#7717;khayorbahirmananam
He experiences his joy and his sadness just like an object, with “this-consciousness” separate from his being.
3.34. tadvimuktastu keval#299;
Separated from pleasure and pain, he is established in real seclusion.
3.35. mohapratisa#7745;hatastu karm#257;tm#257;
The yog#299; whose God consciousness is destroyed by this state of illusion is dependent on his action.
3.36. bhedatirask#257;re sarg#257;ntarakarmatvam
He drives away the field of differentiated perceptions and enters into a new world of God consciousness.
3.37. kara#7751;a #347;akti#7717; svato’nubhav#257;t
The power of creation is the experience of every individual.
3.38. tripad#257;dyanupr#257;#7751;anam
Emerging from turya, insert the absolute bliss of that state into the waking, dreaming and deep sleep states and they will become one with that state of turya.
3.39. citta sthitivacchar#299;ra kara#7751;ab#257;hye#7779;u
This awareness of God consciousness should not only be infused in that state where one’s mind is established in one-pointedness but it should also be infused in the establishment of his body, in his organic actions and in the external objective world.
3.40. abhil#257;#7779;#257;dbahirgati#7717; sa#7745;v#257;hyasya
Due to the insatiable and insistent desire to fill the gap (in his nature), his flow and movement are toward the objective world, not subjective consciousness, and so he is carried from one birth to another.
3.41. tad#257;r#363;#7693;hapramitestatk#7779;ay#257;jj#299;va sa#7745;k#7779;aya#7717;
All desire vanishes in that fortunate person whose consciousness is established in his own real nature. For him the state of being a limited individual has ended.
3.42. bh#363;takañcuk#299; tad#257; vimukto bh#363;ya#7717; patisama#7717; para#7717;
For him, the five elements are only coverings. At that very moment, he is absolutely liberated, supreme and just like #346;iva.
The text raises many interesting thoughts and ramifications. Implying in 3.29 that one can “insert knowledge” in others. And things like the universe is his energies in 3.31. Also, he becomes just like God/Siva in 3.25.
With regard to inserting knowledge:
Abhinavagupta in The Triadic Heart of Sutra states…
“The initiated one knows this supreme knowledge characterized by the Heart and which is given by the divinities of Bhairava who are within the Heart and who bring escape from the vibration of manifestation which leads to an obscuring of the Self, and are rather directed towards the supreme vibration which consists of the opening of the Self. These same divinities destroy the chief bond which is the state of contraction.”
So your clearing away of obstructions would seem to directly go with destroying the bonds which cause the “state of contraction”.
So it is more of a clearing away the obstructions rather than an inserting of anything new. Which leads one to understand a guru is much more than someone who just talks to you and if one can find one like that with a quick internet search… please show me how.