Thank you all for your responses, always glad to share with you guys and receive feedback. There is much wisdom and compassion to be found here. 
Hi Blanche,
Love your idea of the boat metaphor as a koan, and your take on it is also very relatable to my experience. It really just came up as the best way to describe how I felt as I was writing my last post. As I went through your questions and went a little deeper into the metaphor, my mind came up with a lot of detailed imagery to further relate to my experience metaphorically. But it was the very last question that hit home… Almost all of it is impermanent, the scenes pass, and the only thing permanent is the witness of these passing scenes. That was a nice way to point me back to the reality of it all. Thank you for that! 
Hi Sey,
Love the synchronicity, and it’s very good to hear from you as well. I am glad we understand each other on the matter. But I feel you are right in that we should continue to do the best we can with our practices and live our lives fully. Not finding the perfect guru won’t stop me from doing that, or stop me from being grateful for what practices have done for me already, and it certainly won’t stop me from persevering forward with my desire for That. I know progress is always being made, as that is the evolutionary motion of life. For me it really is less about finding someone to help me progress, and more about finding someone who can help me see past the barriers on my path of progression so I don’t stay stuck for very long. There is a sense of urgency in this for me. Not to rush along the path, but to be in a better state to help and serve others around me with more clarity and love.
Hi Ecdyonurus,
Thank you. No, I can’t say I have come across one that claims to be a guru that I specifically felt compelled to seek out. I have read about a few, but I would certainly have to meet them in person first to know how I feel and I’m always skeptical of the ones with the big names and fame. Usually they often make the strongest claims, especially on how things should or shouldn’t be done and that doesn’t always sit well with me. I definitely agree with you on not chasing the first one I find. But I am open to the idea that maybe someone I’ve met in this life is at that point where they can give me the help I’m seeking, but not as a traditional guru with a following which is absolutely fine.
Thank you so much for sharing Charliedog. Your experience with your guru sounds beautiful and resonates deeply with me. It is exactly what I am trying to describe I am looking for in a connection with a guru. 
Also, yes perhaps there is some aspect of my mind that is telling me a guru is necessary to reach whatever end it believes in, but on a deeper level it is more of an intuitive feeling of needing a little spiritual help. A light bright enough to help me see my own obstructions (to my light) a little more clearly. I hope that makes sense.
Hi Dogboy,
Thank you. Yes, young in my early 20’s. I’ll be turning 22 at the end of May.
What I was trying to get at with the falling back to square one comment, is that even after feeling as though I had seen past thoughts and behaviors that cause a lot of suffering, I could still easily get caught up with them having (seemingly) the same intensity as before. Sure, sometimes I get less intensely caught up, but other times I could even be more intensely caught up in them. So in that sense it very much feels like back to square one. I know there is no definite measure of where we are exactly on the path, so I didn’t mean back to square one in the sense of progression, but yes back to square one in dealing with the blockages and seeing that you haven’t really overcome it afterall. 
And yea same, no endgame in sight over here either. But I won’t pretend like I don’t have an aim that drives me along the path. For me that aim is a state of being, an original state of being that has become obscured. Stripping away all that is false and coming to know That more fully, and become ever more intimate with it, that’s why I started on this path. Sure it may not be the end of it, in fact I believe that’s when a new life will begin, and the path will take a different turn with an even greater purpose. That’s how I see it at least.
What is it that you are unclear about?
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Hi BlueRaincoat,
What I meant by that is the clarity to see the light, the Truth, beyond my own obstructions. Hope that makes sense. [OM]
Hi Sunyata,
I don’t know if I’m overloading or not, but I can tell you I have backed off practices several times with little improvement. In fact, I feel better off meditating than not. For several months I fell off my routine, now I’m slowly rebuilding my practice. So far I am just doing mantra meditation 10 mins twice a day. Feeling better with that than I was the months I was not practicing.
The ecstatic states are not what I’m after. The spiritual highs are nice and all but not having them all the time is not the issue. It’s really just that I’ve experienced an expanded state of being that felt more like “home” than my normal ego-dominated state. The issue comes from the desire to establish myself more in my “home”, but often getting kicked out by myself. Lol hope that makes some sense.
Samyama is a part of my practice mostly informally, but was also formally part of my sitting practice. Now I’m taking my time with it but I will be adding it back into my routine soon. And yes I have tried several forms of self-inquiry. It is very tricky with me, and it hasn’t worked as well as I’d hoped. I have a strong mind I guess you could say.
Also, no desire for any enlightenment handouts from a guru. Just looking for some help in seeing my way through.
Hi dv,
I resonate with much of what you said on cultivating a relationship with an Ishta, that has been a powerful force in my sadhana. Not necessarily looking for a guru for technical stuff, much of that I have already found on my own. Loving emotional support, yes I can say I am looking for that. Also the support of their Awareness/Light/Clarity where I am lacking in those aspects.
@Lalow - Good to hear from you as well. Samyama and Ishta are both very powerful practices in my experience. Thank you. And I agree the mind doesn’t need to be fixed, but it does need to be transcended. That is where I find myself stuck in the sinking boat, caught up in mind delusions (the holes).
Lol great, I finally found a guru! I expect you’ll get me to enlightenment in no time. 
Seriously though, it isn’t really about being perfect. What I want to make clear is I’m not trying to fight a battle against my ego to make myself into this perfect person. I love the individuality and uniqueness my ego gives me, including all its challenges. Who else is gonna go out in the world and be this same Chaz? So I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the ego. But as you know, the ego is just a way to express our boundless Self in a 3D world. But it is not what we are. Now you can imagine the frustration of knowing that intellectually, and at times having felt that reality, but still getting caught up in believing the delusions of the ego. When you realize there is more to life than the cage you’ve been in, and you’ve seen outside it, but you still for some reason won’t get out… It starts to feel like maybe you need a little help. I don’t know if that’s the best way I can describe it but I hope it makes sense to you.
@Anthem- Thank you for sharing. Your post resonates with me and brought some needed insight on the lows I’m quick to get upset about. I feel you are right in that the Divine has brought many tools and teachers in my life already to learn from.
@DigitalYogi - Hi DY, glad to know you’re experiencing much growth with your guru. Wishing you the best on your path. 
Hi Parvati,
I definitely see where you’re coming from with your approach. I think the quote sums it all up perfectly for me, and is beautifully said. Thanks for sharing.
I understand some are under the impression that I’m saying I feel it is necessary to have a guru in the traditional dogmatic sense. That is not the case. Perhaps the term guru or master brings up a lot of preconceived notions and may have been incorrect for the purposes of describing what I feel is necessary yet lacking on my path, I just felt it was most familiar for everyone. So my apologies for the confusion. I’ll try to better explain my experience and what it is I’m looking for in a “Guru.”
I was VERY satisfied with the guru is in you approach of AYP in the beginning. I’ve always been a rebel at heart, I don’t like people telling me what to do or how to do it. I’m the type of guy to go my own way and screw what the authority has to say. Now as time went on and practices really started kicking things up, I noticed there was a catch 22 happening. Yes, on one end there was much improvement when it came to being aware of more positive aspects of being. I noticed more stillness, a sense of universal love, ecstatic energy, and so on. BUT I also noticed little improvement when it came to the obstructions themselves. The neurotic thinking, problematic tendencies, emotional issues, etc that all originate from misidentification did not lessen. Maybe at times they did, but it was never permanent. At times they even were intensified.
So I found myself in a very complicated and frustrating position. Here I was getting a good taste of the reality that Yogani and many other spiritual teachers speak about, and yet I was still very much caught up in ignorance of that reality at the same time. No matter how intensely I could feel all the love and bliss, I could just as intensely feel all the opposite. It starts to feel like you’re living this double life, like your being is divided. Here and there you could strongly feel awake in Truth, and next moment be completely blinded by the lies of the ego.
Filling my consciousness with that Truth-Awareness-Bliss and making it a permanent experience in my daily life, that to me is a big part of what this is all about. I’ve been going in circles for quite a while now. These expanded states of being were not enough to break through the obstructions that kept them from becoming permanent. They just became a high followed by a low. So I began to get fed up with it all. Despite my best efforts to see through the obstructions, it always seemed I could get caught up in them again very easily and almost automatically. Despite having peaceful meditations and moments thereafter, I could still say and do hurtful things in an instant reaction. All the love and unity I’ve been fortunate to feel has not brought me above being petty and defensive. It just got to a point where I felt I was causing more trouble than I was trying to fix. I want to share a higher form of love with the people around me, but it seems my inner demons prevent me from doing that, and instead I would battle other people’s demons with my own. It’s a damaging cycle of wanting something better for myself and the people around me, yet still stooping to low levels and adding more fuel to the suffering we felt.
There is a strong tendency to get caught in ignorance and ego delusion, and sometimes I just can’t help it. This is when I began to feel like something extra was needed. I realized I wanted to find someone who has seen past all the things I’m still caught up in. I wanted a connection to someone whose consciousness is firmly rooted in the Truth I was seeking, and never loses sight of that like I so often do. I don’t wish to achieve any grand state of spiritual highness through finding a guru. I just long to be identified with the Divine for the rest of my time here on this Earth and beyond. A life where I am absolutely absorbed in Divine Awareness in every moment, seeing it in all experiences, all people, and all things, is the only life worth living to me. So this longing is for someone whose already at that point, beyond the obstructions and truly living with that Awareness. I felt deep down that in finding a person, or even people, whom did not have Truth obscured by their obstructions, maybe they could share Truth with me and help me see past my own obstructions enough to have Truth become more dominant in my life experience.
So that is why I found myself at this point. I hope I cleared some confusion up from my last post as to what I’m seeking in a guru spiritual helper. Thank you all again for your responses. I gained a lot of insight from all of you.
Much Love,
Chaz
[OM]
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