Dear Fellow Seekers,
I am writing here because I have exhausted all other means of help and advice within my power. For almost 10 years now I have been experiencing mysterious symptoms that modern medicine cannot fully explain. I am now exploring the possibility that what I have been going through may be the result of a sudden, forced awakening of Kundalini energy.
About 10 years ago, I entered into an intense meditation session with some people. I had never meditated before, but I was curious and these people were family. The only catch was that they used a drug, crystal meth-amphetamine, to give them the energy needed to stay awake for days to meditate. I was 21 at the time and had experimented with various drugs up until that point on various occasions in college. However, I had never tried crystal-meth before and I was game for a new experience.
And a monsoon of a new experience is what I got. After trying the meth, I began to meditate with these people. The main technique we used was a gazing technique, particularly into a candle in a dark room. We started off doing this for an hour at a time, every few hours or so, listening to meditation music like Deuter and Gabrielle Roth and the Mirrors all the while. These 2 people that were teaching me had been hard-core meditators for decades. I did not know what I was getting into at the time and no words or experience could have prepared me either.
In between the gazing practices, the leader of the group would talk incessantly about spiritual topics and concepts that he appeared to be an expert in. However, no words could suffice for the spiritual experiences that were to follow. I do not remember exactly how everything happened, since I had been awake and meditating for 2 days straight. The meth I did during this time was minuscule in comparison to what addicts would do, perhaps 2x/day during those 48 hours. At some point on the second day, I remember the first experience of timelessness and bliss as if there were no body or mind, just a flowing stream of pure consciousness more primal than any experience I’ve ever had. This experience was perhaps as intimate as death is - beautiful, ecstatic, eternally in the here and now. I wanted to remain in this bliss forever and when it subsided I didn’t know how I could possibly go back to living a normal day-to-day existence after going through what I had just experienced.
But it did not end there. Our meditation continued on into a third day with no sleep, food, or water…
I remember the exact moment very clearly. It occurred while the leader of the group going on with one of his talks. It was as if something cracked in the field of my consciousness. Then suddenly, it was as if there was no longer a barrier between the thoughts in my head and the outside world. Suddenly the teacher’s words and my thoughts were in sync. It was as if he was reading my mind aloud. This was very alarming and terrifying. Moreoever, it did not go away after a few seconds. It continued for hours and seemed as if it would never end.
At one point I was taken to the hospital for observation, I can’t remember why, probably because I became catatonic or something. This was the first time I had left the house in 3 days. I was relieved at first, thinking that I was leaving the nightmare at the house. But it didn’t end there. When I got to the hospital, everything was still in-sync with my thoughts and feelings. Every gesture made by the doctors and other patients was a reflection of what was coming from me. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I had a thought, “Is this enlightenment?” but something didn’t feel right.
I stayed at the hospital overnight, and my thoughts continued to be spoken by every person I heard speak that night. I refused any medication, based on the advice of the meditation group leader, who had remained at the house. I slept for the first time in 72 hrs.
When I awoke the next morning, the synchronicity had stopped and my thoughts were private once more. I returned home and actually continued to meditate lightly with the other two in the group in order to round up the meditation session more properly. A week later I returned to college, the winter recess of my senior year being over.
I actually got back together with the two meditators during my spring vacation and we meditated once again in a similar fashion to that of the winter break, using the crystal meth lightly once again. I somehow felt that I had to complete something or reach something that I had failed to achieve the first time around. I won’t go into the details of this session, but the conclusion was similar to that of the first. Only this time the “thought-broadcasting” that my mind was doing never went away. Everything was reading my mind: people, the radio, tv, dogs barking outside. I stopped talking and eating because I felt I was on a whirlwind spiral to somewhere that I had no control over. I ended up losing almost 50 lbs. and ended back up in the hospital, this time in a psych ward and this time for a month. It was a complete nightmare beyond the worst horrors I could imagine. And what I imagined came true, so it was indeed merciless.
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and major depression and this time I agreed to take the pysch-medication, in order to get discharged from the hospital.
In the 10 years since I have been on and off the psych meds and in and out of psych hospitals. My drug and alcohol use was minimal during this time and I have been drug and alcohol free for almost 5 years now. I have been diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder, but to my knowledge no mental illness runs in my family. I had a two year period where I was off of the psych meds and abstaining from drugs and alcohol and my psychosis returned in full force. Upon coming off of the psych meds, I lost the ability to read and concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time. I have been stable on psych meds for over two years now, but my reading/concentrating ability has only improved slightly. Just recently these side effects have gotten worse. Now I can no longer drive, watch tv, or even listen to music without my brain getting overly strained with pain. Therefore I am writing this letter.
I am beginning to consider the possibility the maybe all this tribulation are side-effects from awakening Kundalini energy too quickly. I figured that if this were the case, that it all would’ve healed many years ago. But I am at a loss of what to do now and how to proceed. I cannot go on living in acceptance of these new disabilities. Has anyone gone through anything similar? Any insight or advice would be much appreciated.
Sincerely,
Marcel
Hi Marcel and welcome to the AYP forums 
Sounds like you have had a rough go of it over the past decade… hopefully this will all pass soon.
I’ve never heard of anyone using meth as a meditation aid… seems very counter-productive to me actually. I was a meth (and heroin and more) addict for many many years so I’m pretty familiar with its effects and consequences. Meth is a very strong stimulant and the purpose of meditation (at least here at AYP) is to go inward and find silence in the mind… in my experience meth pulls you outwards and into (often racing) thoughts… the complete opposite of meditation. Doesn’t really matter though… you are clean and what is needed now is to find some peace with where you are at in this moment.
It does indeed sound like you may have had a premature kundalini awakening. If the kundalini is awakened before there is a sufficiently purified pathway for this energy to flow through, there can be some pretty negative side effects. Luckily, there are some tools that can be used to help mitigate and ease these symptoms. In fact, these tools can turn these negative side effects into a fully blissful experience! So, you’ve come to the right place. 
Here at AYP, we start with the practice of Deep Meditation, twice a day, for 20 minutes or less (depending on how sensitive you are to the practice). The procedure for meditation is found here: http://www.aypsite.org/13.html … we begin with meditation because it cultivates inner silence and this is what the kundalini energy goes looking for when it is awakened. Without some inner silence, when the kundalini is awakened it can rip through our nervous system as it looks for it. This causes uncomfortable symptoms and sensations, some of which you are experiencing.
The second practice we add at AYP is Spinal Breathing Pranayama: http://www.aypsite.org/41.html … This practice purifies and opens the pathway that the kundalini needs to rise up through in order for the experience to be blissful. Generally we wait for a while after starting a twice daily practice of Deep Meditation before we begin a practice of Spinal Breathing Pranayama just so that the body can acclimatize to the effects of meditation and inner silence before we start adding another practice. But, since your kundalini is likely already awakened, it may be a good idea to start both practices together, just using them for a slightly shorter period of time per sitting. Personally, I would recommend to you, that you start sitting twice a day (once before breakfast, once before dinner), beginning your practice with 5 minutes of Spinal Breathing Pranayama and then moving into 10-15 minutes of Deep Meditation. You should always rest for at least 5 minutes after your sitting practices as well as this allows the obstructions that are loosened by Deep Meditation and Spinal Breathing Pranayama to fully dissolve.
If you do decide that you want to try using the AYP techniques to mitagate the uncomfortable symptoms of a prematurely awakened kundalini it is going to be important to review this lesson here on “Self Pacing:” http://www.aypsite.org/38.html … This lesson will give you an idea of what to be watching out for when beginning AYPractices. Everyone has a different sensitivity to spiritual practice, and because of this, the amount of practice one’s individual nervous system can sustain at any given time is going to be different. Some people can sit for long periods of time and have no negative symptoms… others can only sit for very short periods of time before they begin to have negative symptoms. Everyone is different and it is important to know what to be watching for so you know when to back off of practices and how to ground excessive energies.
Either way, whatever you decide to do, this Support Forum is here for you, I am here for you, and I hope that this all passes soon.
Love!
Thank you so much for your quick response CarsonZi. It is good to hear from someone who is familiar with these matters.
I do remember that I tried the Deep Meditation practice about a year and a half ago. I remember feeling the silence, feeling “clogs” in my nervous system indeed loosen and dissolve, and I remember the feeling of light bliss arising. I continued this practice for a few days, but I stopped because I began to feel a sharp pain in the very top part of the crown of my head. This is the same pain, in the same location, I get when I read or concentrate for more than 10 minutes at a time. I first got this pain about 4 years ago when my doctor took me off the psych meds I had been on at the time (risperdal and zoloft). That’s when I also started having difficulty reading and concentrating. I have since been back on the meds, but without any significant improvement of my disability symptoms. I figured all my current ailments are due to some complex interaction among the meditation, drugs, and psych meds. But I am also considering the possibility that I may have damaged my crown chakra somewhere along the way. I would like to continue meditating, but the pain and offness I get in my head really prevent me from doing so. I don’t want to force anything anymore since it appears I have incurred a sharp karma from forcing meditation in the first place.
I am glad I can finally share in a place where such sharing is possible. My western doctors and psychiatrists really do not know anything about meditation and spirituality, so I leave out all of those details when I deal with them, when really this is a multi-dimensional matter. I don’t know why I haven’t sought out spiritual support before. I guess all the masters I was reading and listening to over the past few years (Osho, Eckhart Tolle, Mooji, Papaji) all gave the same advice to accept what life brings and to nurture our awareness. So I really didn’t make much effort to fix what was wrong. But I’ve put my spiritual pursuits aside for the past few months and have since returned to a more worldly way of thinking, which is why I am now really trying to get to the bottom of my mysterious case history.
Any insight or advice anyone has will be much appreciated.
Much thanks and love,
Marcel
That sure is due to premature crown opening.
Its good thing you have postponed the Spirtiual practices. You can join some more activities that do not cause any pain in the crown. Like Swimming, Martial Arts, Sports etc?
Wait for few more months and then you can re-start a guided meditation.
How is your love/sex life? Heard about Tantra?
Hi Marcel
I come across this all the time actually. It is very easy, especially if one comes to Advaita/Non-Duality really early in the spiritual search, to say to oneself, “There is nothing to do, no one to do it… everything is perfect as it is” etc etc etc, but then continue to suffer day in and day out, while living in complete denial of that suffering. I did it myself in fact and it makes for a pretty miserable and complacent existence. Best to be completely honest with oneself (in my opinion) and to cultivate inner peace above all else, giving the intellect a bit of a rest. It’s been working so hard for so long… it really deserves a break.
You may never know the reasons why your current experience is the way it is. In fact, I would say it is likely. I would suggest, that the best approach is one that deals with the present and not with the past. I agree with Manigma in that grounding exercises (these are talked about in the Self Pacing link… the third link in my above post) are going to likely help you a whole lot. Lots of walking, lots of physical exercise, some swimming or hiking or something, eating a bit of a heavier diet, drinking lots of water, etc etc etc are probably going to help some of the negative symptoms abate a bit. It may be a good idea to back off of spiritual practices for a bit, or it may be better to find a stable, comfortable level of practice… one that your nervous system can sustain and helps to center the energy and bring the mind to silence. (Perhaps obviously) You should stay away from putting your attention at the crown chakra. But there is also an intuition here that not doing anything could just allow these symptoms to persist. You may need to find a very minimal amount of practice that your body can sustain and helps to “center” things a bit. This is my intuition anyway. Again, I would suggest that you start with just a couple of breaths (or minutes) of Spinal Breathing Pranayama (making sure to end at the third eye chakra and staying well away from putting your attention on the crown) and follow that up with about 10 minutes of Deep Meditation. And always include a minimum of 5 minutes of rest at the end. You may even benefit from extending the rest to 10 or 20 minutes.
Obviously, this is all said based on what my intuition is of your situation. I can’t KNOW what is best for you, only you can. But these are my suggestions. Either way, you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers and I hope this all smooths out soon.
Love!
Thank you guys so much CarsonZi and Manigma for your concern and advice . I will try to increase my physical exercise and activities. I am familiar with Tantra and did try it for awhile with my wife, but it seemed that it wasn’t the right time at the time. I will keep open to it if my intuition resonates with it in the future. I will try the Pranayama and Deep Meditation once more, in a sensitive, self-pacing way, according to lesson 38. There is a lot of good and helpful advice in the AYP lessons, so I will continue to study them as well. I’m glad I found this website and forum. Thanks again!
Much love,
Marcel 
Hi Marcel,
I’m glad you found the forum too. That conversation you shared with Carson and Manigma was a rare gem, and I feel privileged to have watched it unfold.
Best regards,
Bewell
hey marcel,
i can relate to your experiences.
i’m not sure that adding my own explanations to yours would clarify what you experienced at all, though i can say that self acceptance, and willingness to be open to understanding (innerstanding if you like) will go some way to help.
i, like many people on ‘trips’ have experienced the kind of direct ‘borderless’ mind you described… and much more than that too.
my inner psyche says ‘feel the pendulum of karma as balance is restored’… i think that is aimed at me! but might help too…
karma is not intended to punish, but to restore.
p.s. i was ‘diagnosed’ with ‘ideas of reference’ to which i laughed. it basically means that you attribute experiences as having specific meaning to you which apparently (to the diagnoser - do not)… except i have written a book showing clearly that they ‘can’ do. how and why, is for us to explore.
bless-sings!
Aloha gang,
It’s been a while since writing in this forum, but I’d like to share some experiences. Many gurus have advised against sharing prematurely, but I’m willing to take the gamble
Following the advice of Yogani and others on this forum, I tried Deep Meditation for a while back in March 2011. These exercises didn’t last very long as I was working and in the process of changing meds with my doctor.
However, for about 10 weeks in the fall/winter, I really got into the practices.
Feelings of silence and bliss came early on (after 3 days of deep meditation). Experiences have been coming everyday since. Feelings of expanded bliss consciousness. There is much energy after my morning deep meditation and I usually go for a long walk (30-45 min) afterwards. I feel the need to get out of the house and be active (although no vigorous exercise). Nature and parks are amazing. Trees speak volumes of silence. It is good to be around people too (markets, malls). There is more blissful silence around nature while there is usually ecstatic energy around lots of people. These feelings are there sometimes for hours a day, sometimes all day, sometimes not at all. Recently some anxiety has been mixed in, but I’ve had that for years and see that now as karma surfacing and being cleansed, however long it takes.
And actually, it seems that karma decided to re-balance my energies. I stopped my practices in late December as I began to relapse into another prolonged depression. I continued seeing my doctor and changing my meds a bit, but it took about 10 weeks (ironically) to emerge from the fog of the depression. I’m not sure exactly what is going on, my only conclusion is that I am very sensitive to spiritual practices and have a very perplexing karma (but who doesn’t?)
For the past 10 days I have reintroduced Deep Meditation and Pranayama into my days, with slight positive effects so far. However, I am noticing some slight anxiety surfacing as well. I’m not sure what to do. I have a deep longing for spiritual exploration, but at the same time am wondering if I am running out of “chances” coming back from chaos.
Any thoughts?
Much love
Marcel
How long is your each session of DM?
You may consider shortening the session, and look at the other solutions discussed in the lesson #367.
http://www.aypsite.org/367.html
Dear Swan,
Wow. Thank you so much for your lesson suggestion. I am deeply moved by it. This is wonderful.
Recently I have been doing spinal breathing Pranayama for about 5-10 minutes and DM for 5 min. I’ll try the longer mantra for a while without the Pranayama. Just reading the mantra is already moving. If that proves to be too much still, then will try the breathing technique alone.
Much thanks and blessings
Marcel
Glad that you found it helpful. Wishing you the best.
Love
Dear Axel,
Thank you for your commentary and insight. I always thought the drug mixture into the meditation was the reason for much of my misfortune. However, the drug use was very minimal on that one occasion with the crystal-meth. I was never really an abuser in the sense of being an addict. Also, my mind was very keen and sharp before that instance. I graduated from Harvard University with honors, before my mind began to take on schizophrenic qualities.
Still, I have also had many beautiful experiences with yoga and meditation. Perhaps my nervous system is highly sensitive to spiritual practices, which I would prefer to think. However, your insight opens some new doors of exploration. I have always had a strong bhakti (spiritual desire), but if what you’re saying is true, that the spiritual energies work along the same lines as energies from drug use, then what can be done to heal those channels and continue with practices?
Much thanks,
Marcel
Dear Marcel,
your questions and my concern got a certain solution by a distant healing session I costlessly and anonymiously tried. This person got education in this business by several sources and certifications and leading roles also in a Tibetan lineage.
Your channels caused me pain and presumably mean a the tip of the crown a permanent stimulation of it. In acupuncture you stimulate this bai hue point horizontally like your channels there by inserting the needles like that. They treat drug people also by other socalled gods´
points surrounding this point by rather warmed metal plates. As I respect your privacy I did not look nearer on your posting but got some soul glimpses.
I spoke of a breaking or tearing out method of these channels or wires perhaps put in by the persons you met though the general picture deviating from normal energy lines seems drug created.
As I looked again yesterday after the healing session I remarked an overflow of the energy received to your crown softening the hard wires and channels taking the pain I experienced. Today the picture is totally black by a sort of female black energy. A Tibetan guardian trampling evil influences is appearing now.
I stop for not violating your free will and own guruship. I had sufficient other similar cases for having an opinion.
Your ideas have a certain illusory and selfdeceiving character so that rational argument are not remarked and hints silently given simply overlooked by you. Therefore again: what do you remark yourself? If you
are so sensitive - by the way most people have it - use your guruship yourself. Easier then for others to assist you.
Apologize,if necessary, my direct seemingly impolite German approach.
Axel
Thank you Axel for your kind consideration and concern in my situation and for your efforts to try and help. What you remark
is very interesting. I am currently reading Yogani’s http://www.aypsite.org/books.html#sow The Secret’s of Wilder Novel. At one point, he says, “He was on a divine mission, right? People on divine missions were always protected, weren’t they?” (Chapter 10, pg. 67). Perhaps he was being naively playful, but even in the most frightening of scenarios, I have always felt safeguarded.
As tunist mentions above,
Perhaps this is what has always been taking place
I would also like to mention that so far the longer mantra from Swan’s suggestion of lesson # 367 http://www.aypsite.org/367.html
has been working very well. The SHREE OM SHREE OM AYAM AYAM NAMAH NAMAH brings the consciousness into inner silence and stillness without the after-effects of anxiety. I have been able to practice 10-20 min once or twice a day, depending on what my sensibilities tell me.
Thank you and much love
Marcel
I don’t think people on a divine mission are always protected, but sometimes they definitely are. Fidel Castro always did what was best for his people, even risking sacrificing himself, and he survived over 600 attempts to assassinate him, most of which were by the CIA. I think to survive just a few would be a miracle!
Hi Marcel,
I was wondering if your sensitivity to reading/writing/tv has subsided since these problems first developed? I ask because I developed very similar problems to you in December of last year after I think I opened my crown chakra for an extended period of time (hours) - the experience left me feeling physically weak and since then I have not been able to read/write/watch tv/listen to music without feeling excessively weak or getting a headache. The only thing I’ve found to cope with it is dancing and taking lots of antioxidants but I haven’t found a permanent solution.
Hi Sskyhigh,
Thank you for sharing your situation and welcome to the forum. Indeed my concentration abilities have improved over the past year. I’m not sure if this was due to my doctor changing my meds or from practicing the Deep Meditation and Spinal Breathing Pranayama described by Yogani in these writings. Have you tried either of these practices?
Hey Marcel, great to know that you are doing well, thanks for sharing
Sskyhigh… Welcome to the forum What I notice in your post is a premature crown opening and you find relief in physical activity. I think you may find the following lessons helpful…
Managing the opening of the crown - http://www.aypsite.org/199.html
Self pacing - http://www.aypsite.org/38.html
Kundalini symptoms, imbalances, and remedies - http://www.aypsite.org/69.html
Wish you the best
Edit: And for Deep meditation, you could try this technique:
The Solar Centering Enhancement - http://www.aypsite.org/368.html