Hi there, amazing news: I have experienced at monday the witness (at least I am pretty sure it was). Not abiding (only for some moments). But it was like pure freedome.
It is such an wonderful feeling to notice progress on the path. At least what my mind thinks what progress is.
There is happening very much in my practises and sometimes in my life. My heart is more and more opening. The ecstatic cundacticity gets more and more. The connection with my environment gets more, but the feeling in my head, which I discribe as my depression, is predominant in my life. So, even my life gets on one hand better and better, on the other hand that feeling of tiredness of life and suicidality is stronger and more powerful. And self-pacing doesn?t have a big role on this feeling. This feeling is chronic and more or less independant of what I do (of course sport and diet helps, but it is not a complete healing). It steals the quality of my life.
Is this my karma? Or has anyone a idea how I can get rid of it? I do make sports, eat as healthy as it is possible for me and I am trying my best to live life fully. But this is harder than it seems. Living life fully. Espiacially when u have moderate depression.
And I think this is the point why I don?t experience more the wittness… I mean, in AYP the formular is doing twice a day your practise and then go and live life fully. I don?t live life fully and my fears contols a lot.
I play one time a week tennis, have a 9 to 5 Job, meet sometimes a friend, but most of the free time (weekend) I am on the couch. It is because of the lack of friend and girlfriend I think. I never had a girlfriend or sex or a relationship. But I crave it a lot but my fear of women is bigger. Maybe this is the reason for not experience the witness more.