As far as I can see, the many identifications of the ego seem to be the main (if not the only) barrier on the spiritual path. In my opinion almost every mature human being seems to be aware of that to a certain degree, at least its influence on equanimity and perception of freedom. From that perspective it seems that flattering the ego of others should be done cautious, while diminishing the ego of others is an object of consideration. Looking at social dynamics however, any act of diminishing the ego usually is perceived as threat, not unlike violence. At the same time, violating the ego of others usually seems to increase it´s impact on the behaviour on any person. Haven´t wars in all times tought us that? The only situation where this doesn´t seem to happen is in the devotion of a student to a master, where blows to the ego of the student are trustingly and willingly taken to the heart.
On the other hand, flattering the ego may or may not be supporting it´s ways. It might soothe it´s cravings or it might increase them. It might be the breeding ground for dependencies or it might be the foundation of affection that opens up a human being to the messages of one another.
People that I consider as wise and mindful seem to make efforts to never hurt the ego of others. On the other hand, oftentimes they engage in flattering expressions, other times they don´t.
That’s a very nuanced perspective you gave on the pros and cons of assaulting or flattering the ego.
My guess is that it depends a lot on the person and the condition the person happens to be in on any given day, whether a subtle assault or flattering of the ego could be more conducive to their journey in the long run.
The AYP system (i.e. Yogani’s writings) seem to act on my ego mostly indirectly by gently assaulting the ego, through e.g. practices like Deep Meditation and Samyama. On the other hand the writings also gently flatter my ego, because through them I can recognize that “I’m doing good” (a.k.a “good things are happening”), by getting the taste of the fruits of my practice efforts that I was promised.
Here is Yogani talking about the ego in lesson 428:
Let us not forget that the ego is our primary vehicle to enlightenment. Who else besides the ego would be sawing the limb of ignorance, while sitting on the part that will fall? For those who might worry about this, the fall is into infinite peace and happiness. In spite of the “I, me and mine” impulse, the ego is always looking to expand its power and its view. Once it becomes clear that all power and knowledge are found by going within, the ego will lead us there. Nothing else can do it. If ego were not the one cutting the limb of ignorance off while sitting on it, there would be no limb, because limitation is what the limb is. We must operate from limitation to move beyond limitation. That is the rationale for spiritual practices, and it works. Odd as it may seem, the ego is our vehicle to enlightenment. We have to operate from where we are. It is not possible to operate from where we are not.
I know you were asking about how to conduct yourself, rather how Yogani is doing it through his writings. But I think there is something to learn for individual conduct by getting a feeling for how assaulting and flattering of the ego is done through the AYP writings.
You have already received good advice from Tensor.
I would advise not worrying about other people’s egos. It is best just to focus on yourself. The ego is a complex thing, and there is no knowing what repercussions actions can have. For example, praising someone for doing something well could exaggerate their ego. But if we don’t, maybe they will lose self-esteem and give up. And the opposite could happen as well. If someone acts selfishly or egotistically and we criticise them, they might become defensive which could strengthen their ego?
I find the best path is to simply focus on our own actions almost as if we know nothing about the other person (because we don’t really). If someone does something well, praise them. If they act selfishly, keep quiet about it. We can act according to the yamas and niyamas and then others will copy our actions, especially if they see that we are joyful and peaceful. Some won’t notice and that is O.K. as well.