Hi Vinnie,
Welcome to the forum.
I appreciate you asking this question, it takes courage to ask something that is creating an internal conflict. Our social conditioning makes us wonder if what is happening is OK to accept and let go… and yet somewhere inside there is a part of you that cannot believe the social conditioning can be right… why would you judge someone for who they are? You may not realize, but you have started the process of self-inquiry in you. A beautiful opportunity has been send your way to learn. Like I said in another post… life sends us many situations/opportunities to learn from, God gives us the freedom to chose if we want to use it to liberate ourselves or bind ourselves more to this world. With this question you seem to have chosen to learn. My hats off to you.
You may have heard “You have to earn my trust” (applies not just to partners, but children, parents, friends) . In reality the statement should read, “I trust you no matter what you do, because I love you, not what I or this world thinks you should be, but you exactly as you are.” The only time trust is an issue is when someone is not behaving the way you expect the person to behave… expectation! Not sure if you have access to these books, but if you do, it may help both you and your wife to read them. “Real Love” by Greg Baer and “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie. If you don’t have access to these books you can check out their website: http://www.reallove.com/about.asp , http://www.reallove.com/ , http://www.thework.com/thework.asp
I will try and explain why I made the statement above. But if you can read the books esp. Real Love, you will get a much better idea.
Mahatma Gandhi said: http://www.writespirit.net/authors/paramahansa_yogananda/autobiography_of_a_yogi/chapter_44/view “Even if the opponent plays him false twenty times,” he writes, “the satyagrahi is ready to trust him the twenty-first time, for an implicit trust in human nature is the very essence of the creed.”
All our lives we are looking outwards to change the world and control our environment so that we are happy. The only way to happiness is to make an internal shift. Like Gandhi said… “We must be the change we wish to see in the world.”. So in order to feel the trust, you need to trust completely… and let your partner know that. No matter what happens, you show her that it is safe for her to tell you. You give her that safe haven where she can be herself. Once she learns to trust you… chances are she will never break your trust because she will know she can be herself and you will not judge her. She may try and test you… but if you don’t budge in your trust towards her… and accept what she does as “herself”… and not and image you have of “her”… you will have more love and trust than you can dream of. The change needs to be in you… she will follow. The whole world will follow. You see, when the internal shift happens in you… then nothing anyone does can hurt you, because you are hurt only when you have expectations. Gandhi said “Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” When you are in silence, when you are at peace with yourself, you can let others be themselves without judging or wanting it to be different.
Does this mean that she will change… well, generally people look outwards for satisfying the something that they think they lack within… they do this with drugs, alcohol, smoking, sex, etc. This lack is of “Real Unconditional Love”… by real, unconditional love, I mean being loved and loving for exactly who you/they are… not having to change to be what someone else wants you to be in order to be loved. Observe yourself for a day and see how you are a different person when you are with your parents, brothers/sisters, partner, friend, colleague, neighbor. You play many roles to make people around you happy, but when do you get a chance to be Yourself? If you get this (real love, chance to be yourself) from even one person, your interaction with the entire world will change. When you have enough of this, you don’t need to look anywhere else to satisfy your desires.
Will your partner get this? Don’t know, but I think everyone is looking for this in life. Real Love. Once you get a taste of it… once you can drop all your guards and expectations and love with your being (be it a beloved(Radha to Krishna) or God (Hanuman to Lord Rama) or friend (Arjun to Krishna) or child (Yashodha to Krishna) or parent (Sri Ramakrishna to Ma Kali) or guru), once you get a taste of being yourself… you can never “not trust” again. What is the worst that can happen, your partner will not get this and have sex with someone else… I am not saying that she will, but this is the worst that can happen right? If you don’t have a judgment about this… there is no one to get hurt. You don’t have to continue living with her, if that is what seems like the right thing to do at that point in your life, and yet if you have experienced real love, you can do it without being judgmental about the situation.
But for now, loving someone with your entire being will only help you. How? You learn to trust. When you learn to trust you learn to let go. You learn to loosen the tight grip you have on life. You learn to relax just enough for your true being, you silence to peek through. Once you have a glimpse of this silence, you can never be bound again… because you know what internal freedom feels like.
