Namaste Everyone 
I am writing today because my wife is going through a period of suffering and I feel quite helpless to do anything about it. I want to help, I want to solve these things for her, but it seems that no matter what I do it isnāt helping. Here is what is going on:
First off, she is pregnant and is due in a little over 5 weeks, so this obviously isnāt helping her emotional state. But that said, the issues I am about to discuss have been going on for many years now (most of them anyways), so it is not entirely pregnancy hormones.
The first major issue she is dealing with is her feelings of ānormalcyā. She feels as though she doesnāt excel at anything in particular and that no matter what she applies herself to, it never seems to come to fruition. She feels frightfully normal and that she doesnāt really have much to offer the world. She sees me starting projects, going through the entire process of getting something āoff the groundā and then watches my projects flourish. This doesnāt seem to happen for her projects and this makes her feel like she is no good at anything and that no matter what she applies herself to she will never succeed. It is a self-defeatist attitude, but this is where she is at (and has been for a while now) so this is something that must be dealt with head-on. But no matter how I seem to approach this it doesnāt seem to help.
Another issue she is currently dealing with is what she calls her ālack of spiritual progress.ā She has been practicing AYP with me (in the mornings only) for a little over 6 months I think now. But she doesnāt feel like she has any more āsilenceā in her life then before she began. She sees me (and others around us who are also practicing AYP) benfitting greatly from the practices but she doesnāt feel like she is getting anything out of it. She beats herself up, thinking that she is no good at anything (she thinks she canāt even meditate right) and this again leads back into the first issue, the issue of feeling inadaquate and like nothing she applies herself to ever comes to fruition. I have tried every approach I can think of but nothing seems to be helping. I will come home from work or from teaching a yoga class and will find her sitting on the couch crying away because she feels like she has nothing to offer the world. She wants more then anything to feel āspecialā and āneededā but no matter what I do to show her how special she really is (both to me and to the rest of the world) it isnāt coming from inside herself so it doesnāt really seem to make any difference.
Any suggestions on what I can do (or what I should not be doing) in order to help her feel like she is special and has something to offer the world? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as it is extremely painful for me to watch her suffer like this. I want more then anything to alleviate this for her, but nothing I have done seems to make a single bit of difference.
Love!
Hi Carson
It seems that your wife is bringing one āprojectā to fruition very successfully indeed 
I donāt have children, but my brother told me something once that Iāve never forgotten - when you look down at the tiny human being, your life changes forever. Forever is a big, scary word - and I wonder if perhaps your wife is tuning into this at the moment? Also, contemplating whether she will āsucceedā as a mother.
I wonder too how much silence I would have if I were growing a new life inside me Perhaps it might be useful to suggest a different approach - AYP might simply not be right for her at this moment. However, if I understand you correctly, she has been practising this while pregnant - and I would wonder very much whether things will change with AYP practices once the baby is born. Having said that, it is so important that there is no sense of failure on her part. There are other approaches she might like to consider. Do you think perhaps she chose to do AYP simply because she wanted to join with you in that? Maybe she might find another path, that āspeaksā to her more. Not now, necessarily - but it is always an option for her. Maybe some reassurance that she wonāt upset you if she tries something different, if that is her wish?
I also think she may be fretting a little over her own adequacy - as a mother, a wife, all the different roles.
If it were me, I would focus on reassurance of your love for her, your belief in her and her innate worthiness. If there is music you both love, it can be soothing and healing. Perhaps you could listen together.
I wish I had some wisdom to offer you, but I really wanted to reply to your post. My very best wishes to you both (and baby, too)
From a conditioned point of view:
You have told before about the background of your wife (sexual abuse). Having a child of your own is a potentially HUGE trigger for old wounds to open even wider. Many who have repressed their memories suddenly have them released when they have a child of their own. Itās a great emotional turmoil that can be released during that period.
On top of that you have the hormonal festival going on. Lotās of women with a huge garbage bag are prone to get a depression around child birth. Post-natal depression is a common thing.
On top of that you are in her presence with a lot of stillness in you, and she has practiced AYP herself also. We all know what stillness does - it stirs up old garbage!!! Your wife is getting about as much as she can get at the moment, adding on all these factors.
What are you to do? These are just my thoughts:
First - I know itās no use trying to make her feel special and worthy. Thatās not possible with a severely depressed person, and is of no use. The ādepression programā is working in her mind machine.
Listening and BEING with depressed people in silence is often a good thing. You are radiating much love. Just let it flow where it wants to. Breath with her, synchronized. Touch her skin gently, hold her hand, soft massage etc, to produce oxytocin.
If you are to tell her anything, it is good to constantly repete two messages that may reach her subconscious sooner or later:
- Depression is a disease that hits you - itās not who you ARE. The disease comes visiting you and brings negative thoughts and feelings. It has got nothing to do with YOU.
- There have been states when you felt better. This is a state that will pass. Itās not going to last.
Thatās the two messages that can be repeated like a mantra. No discussion, just giving the messages over and over again.
If sheās going into worse states after giving birth - she might need some professional health care and perhaps medication.
I think you are the best support she can have. You are great, Carson!
And I truly hope you both are going to be fine soon!
Sometimes loving is doing nothingā¦ just holding her and holding space for her.
A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.
Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.
So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.
The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.
The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.
Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.
What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were Godās way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!
What she and you (?) think is no progress may be exactly the progress she needs right now. Just hold space for her through this.
Hi Carson,
First ā¦ perspective check:
AWESOME that you and Mrs. Zi are getting so close to celebrating Little Ziās entry into the world ā¦ Iām sure there are times of greater beauty and celebration in a personās/coupleās life ā¦
ā¦ but I sure as heck donāt know what they would be, let alone what they are!!
Iāve been through the (pregnancy-birth) process three times ā¦ and feel thusly qualified to impart the one piece of advice that I ever found worth anything (Iāll spare you all the ones that werenāt ā¦ ).
- Love your wife, with your whole heart, in every moment, with all youāve got, in whatever ways she lets you know she wants and needs to be loved (if/when in doubt, ask her; if she doesnāt know, open to silence, and TRUST, and then love her with all youāve got, whether or not you feel like it, and whether or not you feel like loving in that particular way).
- When in doubt, see rule #1.
Less solving. More loving.
Though the current form of her feelings are happening now, and based in all factors now, including hormonal and psychological factors related to pregnancy and her first child.
FWIW, Iāve been around quite a few pregnant women in my time (my ex-wife three times; my sister, intermittently, each of my daughters, at times; friends, etc.) ā¦ and what your wife is experiencing, especially for a first pregnancy, really isnāt unusual.
EVERYONE tends to feel a bit inadequate, at the big deal times in life ā¦ and there really isnāt anything ābigger dealerā than becoming a mother for the first time.
While I truly sympathize with what your wife is going through, it also sounds quite normal and familiar. It may seem extreme to both of you, now, but for those of you who have been around women, especially wives/partners, during their last month of pregnancy (and, as emc pointed out, sometimes afterward for a while, too), itās really fairly common.
Utterly unconditional loving is the only known palliative.
It always helps.
Even when it doesnāt seem to.
Less dealing with. More loving.
Less approaching. More loving.
And yet, sheās in the midst of offering you, your child and herself the most precious gift of all ā¦ the literal creation of a family.
There may actually be something more special and needed than that ā¦ but if there is, Iāve certainly never heard of it.
Less {Anything Other Than Loving}. More Loving.
To both of you, I would say: just LOVE each other, and LOVE this beautiful time in your lives as your marriage extends into family.
Iāve never had an issue that didnāt dissolve utterly in a moment that I was giving genuine love, nor have I ever seen anyone else experience anything different than this, either.
Thereās nothing to figure out.
Thereās only love to give ā¦ in this case, to each other, and to your beautiful new daughter!
I hope this helps!
All Love To All Three Of You!
Wholeheartedly,
Kirtanman
Hi Amoux
Hahahaā¦yes indeed she is. But Iām sure you can understand that she doesnāt want to feel like the only thing she is good at is being a ābaby-makerā 
I asked her about this last night on our way to a potluck with friends and she said āItās weird that you should say thatā¦just last night I wondered if that had anything to do with the way I am feeling.ā A very astute observationā¦one I had not had myselfā¦thank you.
Hahaha, for sure
The past few days we have been deeply discussing her expectations around what she thought she should be experiencing after practicing AYP for 6 months. I think we had a breakthrough last night as I have been trying to get across to her the fact that we measure the efficacy of our meditations by how we feel OUTSIDE of practice times, and not what sorts of experiences we are having DURING meditation time. When I picked her up from work last night she explained to me that she had noticed that day that her habitual reaction to someone who was giving her a hard time at work was seen and she was able to consciously chose not to be engage that responseā¦and that she recognized this as a result of her meditation practice. It set her mind a little more at ease about whether or not the practices are working. This was really really good IMO.
Yesā¦she started her practices while about 3 months pregnant.
Oh, I am quite sure that once the baby is born just about everything is going to change 
But unfortunately there is a sense of failure on her part. A sense of failure in regards to many different things too. And there doesnāt seem to be much that I can do (besides love her through this) to change the way she is feeling.
I think that is likely part of the reason. The other part being that she had seen the differences it had made in my life and likely wanted some similar results.
I mentioned this to her as well last night. She wants to continue to stick to the AYP system for a while longer having had the experience she did yesterday while at work.
Yes, I made sure to let her know that I wonāt be upset if she chooses to try something else, or try nothing at all. It is her choice and I will support her no matter what she chooses.
Not may beā¦she definitely IS fretting over her own adequacy as a mother, wife, employee, and more.
Yes, I try to do this every day.
Hahahaā¦well, we both have extremely different tastes in music ā¦she likes indy rockish stuff and I like hardcore screaming stuff. 
We can usually compromise on stuff like Sublime or Bedouin Soundclash and the likes though
Your wisdom was perfect Amouxā¦thank you so much for sharing and for your kind well wishes. Love to you
Love!
Hi emc
It has kinda been assumed by both of us that she was likely sexually abused as a young child, but she has blocked all memories up until the age of about 9, so neither of us actually know for sure. And neither of us really have any idea who would have done it if it did happen. We have our theories, but there is really no way to know for sure without causing an extreme scene with her entire family (who would likely know about this if it did happen)ā¦something she has no desire to do.
Oh great 
ā¦more emotional turmoil to pile ontop of the current emotional turmoilā¦sweet 
hahaha.
And let me tell youā¦itās a regular mardi gras over here
Yes, we both already sense that this is in the mail for her. She has quite enjoyed her pregnancy so far and she has openly said that she feels she can relate to people (women especially) easier being pregnant as it is something that she has in common with other women who have been pregnant. She is nervous that she will feel as isolated as she did before she was pregnant after the baby is born. Not sure quite what to do about this (other then try to love her through it).
Yesā¦absolutely yes. Bombarded on all sides with GARBAGE! hahaha.
Great advice. Advice I will surely take and put to action. Thank you.
Again, great advice. Thank you emc /
Yes, only time will tell how things progress after the baby arrives.
Thank you for the kind words and the pertinent advice emcā¦may you continue to bless all those around you with your loving and wise presence
Love!
Hi Shanti
Yes, you are totally right. I think OFTEN loving is doing nothing. There seems to be a predisposition here towards āneeding to DO somethingāā¦ I think itās likely a āmale thingā hahaha.
You know what? You are the second person today (well yesterday I guess) to quote this story to me in regards to this situation. Pertinent maybe? Hmmmmmā¦ hahaha
Thank you for sharing your wisdom dearā¦ you always know just what to say. Thank you /
Love!
Hi Kirtanman
Perspectiveā¦ Check!
Yes, this truly is a magical time. Life is due to change as of June 2nd ā¦ Now it is only a matter of time. Itās crazy to know that soon (just not sure exactly when) life as we know it will cease to exist and that it is going to morph (quite quickly) into something we have never experienced beforeā¦ the anticipation is intense for sure.
I can DO that! hahaha
Less solving. More loving.
Yes of course. :sunglasses: [quote="Kirtanman"] FWIW, I've been around quite a few pregnant women in my time (my ex-wife three times; my sister, intermittently, each of my daughters, at times; friends, etc.) .... and what your wife is experiencing, especially for a first pregnancy, really isn't unusual. EVERYONE tends to feel a bit inadequate, at the big deal times in life .... and there really isn't anything "bigger dealer" than becoming a mother for the first time. [/quote] Yes, this seems rational. But remember that this is not a "new" issue. These feelings of inadequacy have been around for quite some time for her (decades in fact). They are likely heightened right now, but this is nothing new. [quote="Kirtanman"] While I truly sympathize with what your wife is going through, it also sounds quite normal and familiar. It may seem extreme to both of you, now, but for those of you who have been around women, especially wives/partners, during their last month of pregnancy (and, as emc pointed out, sometimes afterward for a while, too), it's really fairly common. [/quote] Good to know, for both of us. [quote="Kirtanman"] Utterly unconditional loving is the only known palliative. [/quote] ....for anything :wink: [quote="Kirtanman"] It always helps. Even when it doesn't seem to. [/quote] :slight_smile: [quote="Kirtanman"] Less dealing with. More loving. [/quote] Hahaha....yes, of course :grin: [quote="Kirtanman"]
quote: [/quote] Less approaching. More loving.Finally something I can actually respond to with something other then "of course" :grin: . My "main approach" has been the "Real Love" approach. But having her know that no matter what she says/does or how she feels, that I love her unconditionally, does not always seem to make a difference. Sometimes she is just so "cloudy" that no matter how much unconditional love is shown, there is no change in perspective or feeling. At least that is how it seems anyways. [quote="Kirtanman"]
quote: [/quote] And yet, she's in the midst of offering you, your child and herself the most precious gift of all ..... the literal creation of a family. There may actually be something more special and needed than that ........ but if there is, I've certainly never heard of it.I agree 100%.....she couldn't be (or be doing) something more special then what she is doing right now. But she wants to feel "special and needed" not just because she is female and "knocked up"....she wants to feel like she is specail and needed because of who she is as an individual and because of her personal talents. [quote="Kirtanman"]
quote: [/quote] Less {Anything Other Than Loving}. More Loving.Of course :grin: [quote="Kirtanman"] To both of you, I would say: just LOVE each other, and LOVE this beautiful time in your lives as your marriage extends into family. I've never had an issue that didn't dissolve utterly in a moment that I was giving genuine love, nor have I ever seen anyone else experience anything different than this, either. There's nothing to figure out. There's only love to give .... in this case, to each other, and to your beautiful new daughter! I hope this helps! [/quote] Thank you my brother....you advice is perfect as always. Much love to you and All. Love! :+1:
Brother Carson ā¦ it took me a long time to get this:
Unconditional Love (the only actual kind of love there is) ā¦ ultimately means having no conditions of any kind whatsoever ā¦ not even expectation of results ā¦ any results.
Loving is presence.
Solely.
Loving is its own power and reward, solely.
Opening in unconditional loving allows the reality of union to shine forth in any moment.
It may not be felt or received at the level of surface consciousness (on the part of your wife, for instance ā¦ or even by you, if your mind and heart are looking for and hoping for positive effects) ā¦ but rest assured that it is felt, experienced and known ā¦ because loving is the reality of One; the ocean underlying the surface choppiness of a particular set of waves, that may or may not remember they are ocean in this moment.
Loving is the reality of wholeness.
Right here, right now.
And so, open in loving ā¦ and let yourself know ā¦ really know ā¦ feel it; all it takes is complete presence and willingness to release focus on surface-mind for a moment ā¦ that any moment of loving is wholeness ā¦ and that thereās literally nothing more you can be or do for and/or with your wife, in that moment.
Surface doubts and pain are no match for present-moment loving ā¦ any more than an airborne rock is a match for gravity.
Ultimately, unconditional love isnāt something we do ā¦ itās what we are.
In my experience, there is the āadded benefitā of unprecedented erasure of doubts and fears, and even depression (āhow can depression remain in the absence of its cause?ā as the Yoga Spandakarika says).
When we know weāre the loving that we actually are ā¦ doubt, depression and fear canāt even ācomputeā ā¦ theyāre just ānotā.
And the best way to know weāre the loving is to share the loving-presence we actually are, by simply, fully opening.
Thatās all it takes; loving is reality; thereās nothing we have to do to be loving (itās what we are; loving is true nature; true nature is loving ā¦ itās the fundamental movement of awareness), other than to drop all resistance to experiencing this beautiful, sacred reality now.
Ultimately, untrue ideas are the only problem.
Loving melts untrue ideas.
Maybe not as fast as the mind may think it should; maybe not as completely as the mind may think it should, but reality is:
Loving melts untrue ideas.
Much like water melts ice.
A whole lot like water melts ice, actually.
I hope this helps, too.
All Loving To All,
Kirtanman
Hi CarsonZiā¦much love to you.
You might try this technique I posted about on http://kriptodanny.blogspot.com/2008/03/marvelous-hooponopono.html
Nowā¦you seeā¦you must work on yourself,and when you do that,she will be okā¦
The idea is the resonance factorā¦just do that in meditationā¦it works.Is like assimilating her negativities in yourself,and dissolving themā¦you do that,miracles happen.
ā¦this is a fractal universeā¦your inner universe contains the outer.Make peace in yourself,and the whole world will benefitā¦not only your wife.But she will benefit the most,since she is close to you.
Kisses:)
Danny
Lead me from dreaming to waking.
Lead me from opacity to clarity.
Lead me from the complicated to the simple.
Lead me from the obscure to the obvious.
Lead me from intention to attention.
Lead me from what Iām told I am to what I see I am.
Lead me from confrontation to wide openness.
Lead me to the place I never left,
Where there is peace, and peace
- The Upanishads
psā¦CarsonZiā¦I want to warn you that marriages are soul-matesā¦and you canāt escape thatā¦while your family parents,etcā¦are karmaā¦marriage and love stories are soulmates.They appear from no-where,since they incarnated with you in the same time,and touch certain hidden parts of you.The idea is to integrate themā¦for the short time you are together.
Listen to this songā¦youāll understandā¦kisses:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_sfny5nqjg&feature=related
Hahahaā¦well, we both have extremely different tastes in music ā¦she likes indy rockish stuff and I like hardcore screaming stuff. We can usually compromise on stuff like Sublime or Bedouin Soundclash and the likes though
Ha ha! I was thinking more along the lines of Josh Grobanās song āYou are Lovedā from the Awake album, but each to his or her own
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-G8IfjPAII&feature=related
With love