tantra book and questions

[MatthewC]

Hi,
I’m a bit of a lurker here having only posted a couple of times, but have just ordered a couple of Yogani’s books - Tantra and Asanas - which I’m really looking forward to.
Whilst I have read the AYP book and the chapters on tantra, I was just wondering what people might have to think about my situation. What drew me to meditation 5 or so years ago was a deep, deep desire to actually realise and experience within that I was more than just my physical self. I’m sure everyone here probably has felt / feels a similar way at some stage. I’ve also had an attraction to tantra teachings and methods since a few years back after being unable to ever feel comfortable intimately with a woman. Now, I’ve only been with three women, including my wife, but when I was younger and freer , sex didn’t seem to be a problem. As I got into my 20’s I became more self-conscious about it, and then when I started meditating (just after getting married) and things just went from bad to worse with things usually ending much quicker than I had hoped This (prematurely ejaculating) became a serious issue for me though I am starting to release myself from the pyschological grip which plays big part in it. I did think meditating would have helped - I was doing it everyday for a few years - but looking back, meditating really stirred me up. Maybe I was too stirred up with too much energy moving round too chaotically.
Now I guess what I really would like to know is first of all, has anyone overcome this problem or anything similar working through the techniques in the book, the meditation and yoga practices? I am convinced that there is more to a problem like this than mechanical techniques. For example, the ability to communicate deeply and honestly I believe makes a difference to ones sexual experiences. Right now, I am working on honest and more open communication techniques with my wife and have noticed an improvement in things.
The other thing is, whilst I know it is not a bad thing, my wife is not as sexually motivated as I am (I can preserve my energy and not worry about becoming depleted - believe me I feel it!) I am wondering how using the Tantra book to develop better staying power will go without being able to practice regularly? My wife is pregnant and I have a young daughter and we are living in Tokyo, so there ain’t a whole lot time and space to lay down and practice alone either!
Finally, how has peoples’ experience of sex changed through yoga and meditation. I’m beginning to think that all the energy movement that goes with them can stir things up so it seems like things are going backwards, and this could refer to not only sex but other areas of life. Obviously self pacing is the key here, and while I believed meditation was the greatest thing going, looking back I am wondering if I would have been better off beginning with becoming more attuned to my body through Asanas first. Of course, this isn’t a regret, just an observation over the last couple of years.
Well, sorry I have gone on a bit but this is an issue which has bugged me for a while now but is somehing that I am driven to find a solution for, and frankly, won’t be satisfied till I have realised what I know is possible. Hell, all the stories I read on the forum here and in the book are just too good to be true so am looking forward to further progress. Rushing isn’t going to help as I am learning lots about myself throughout all of this but I am looking forward to some more progress with the help of the book and any advice from anyone.
Love and light,
MatthewC

[yogani]

Hi MathewC:
Thank you for your courageous sharing.
The methods of holdback, blocking and count will aid in reducing the tendency toward premature ejaculation (and wet dreams) over time.
Of course, sexual preferences and limits (or excesses) in opportunity for sexual activity are in the realm of the individual. The principles and practices of tantra will work in just about any sexual lifestyle. This is the approach in AYP tantra – offering means that can be blended into any sexual situation without pressing for any particular lifestyle change. There is wide latitude for anyone to apply the principles and means with good effect. It is in the hands of the practitioner.
It should also be mentioned that external sexual activity is not a prerequisite for progress in applying tantric principles. There is also the broad field of pranayama, mudras, bandhas and asanas like siddhasana, which can be used for achieving the same end – ecstatic conductivity. Siddhasana is especially tantric, and I have gone so far as to label it “the best tantric practice” (see lesson T16). Over time, it too will aid in reducing the tendency toward premature ejaculation. So, we don’t have to have a particular level of external sexual activity to advance in tantra. It can all be done by internal yogic means as well. There are multiple ways to skin the cat, which can be applied according to individual preferences and situations. Take your pick, or use them all.
The Tantra book is a much tighter presentation of all we have discussed on the subject in the online lessons and AYP Easy Lessons book. It was written primarily to provide a clear doorway into integrated yoga practices via the sexual channel for the many who are interested in “spiritual sex,” yet not necessarily drawn to yoga initially. Of course, tantra and yoga cannot be separated – they are mirror images of each other. And, true to form, the Tantra book is currently the best selling AYP book!
All the best on your path. Gentle persistence will pay off over time. Practice wisely, don’t sweat the inconveniences, and enjoy!
The guru is in you.

[VIL]

Here is one of the most important secrets you will ever learn that will help you discover how to Make Love for as Long as You Choose and stop premature ejaculation.
Sexually, men face two major difficulties throughout their lives. The first is, as a young, virile teenager, being able to last long enough to satisfy a woman, or even satisfy yourself. After weeks of anticipation, it is often all over in a few minutes. Do you remember those times? Or are you still in the position of sometimes not lasting as long as you would like? Premature ejaculation is an embarrassment for a man of any age. Not a happy memory.
Not a happy memory for a married man either, especially if your wife does not want to make love as much as you do. When she does, you ejaculate too soon and she is left feeling frustrated and sometimes angry. Even though she might not say so or show it, she feels it. Not good times for a man of any age. I would rate ejaculating before the woman wants to, high on any man’s private list of embarrassing times.
Be honest about this. If premature ejaculation is a problem sometimes and you want to do something about it, the first step is to acknowledge it to yourself. Remember, you are not the only man who faces this difficulty.
The second major difficulty is: at some stage in your later years, you will no longer come too soon, but you won’t come at all. You won’t be able to get an erection or if you do, it certainly won’t stand up as straight and hard as it used to. Very often your woman’s sexual energy has increased because most women reach their sexual prime when they are over forty. There is the opportunity for lovemaking, but you can’t do anything about it because your sexual energy is not as strong. If you do get an erection and ejaculate, instead of the mind blowing explosion it used to be, it barely trickles out. It’s more like a squeak than a roar. If you haven’t experienced this yet, I guarantee that at some stage it will happen.
However there is something you can do about it, as it is not necessarily a part of ageing. These major difficulties can be overcome through learning the essential techniques of ejaculation control.
First Secret: The Pubic Coccyx
(PC) Muscle
The first and most important thing to learn is how to strengthen your pubococcygeus muscle (PC muscle) or love muscle. This muscle is the major muscle of contraction in male and female orgasm. Strengthening the PC muscle helps to strengthen your erection and increase the sensations of your climax, which is very important in older years.
The PC muscle extends from the base of the spine, where it is connected to the coccyx, to the front of the body where it is connected to the pubic bone. Just as you can tense and release your fist or tense and release your shoulders, you can tense and release the PC muscle. This will exercise the muscle that can increase your and your partners pleasure.
Anyone can tense their fist. Try it now to give you the idea. Tense your fist and feel your biceps muscle tighten, then release – totally. Now see if you can tense and release the biceps muscle alone. Muscle isolation practice will help you to isolate the PC muscle.
It is the PC muscle you use to cut off urination. The next time you urinate, try to stop the flow in midstream to get a feeling of activating the PC muscle only. At first you may need to tighten the whole pelvic floor which includes the anus muscle and perhaps the lower abdominal muscles.
Some men may need to tense the whole upper body to pull up the PC muscle. See if you can locate the PC muscle. Flex it, even if your whole body tightens. Just as you isolated the muscle in the biceps from the fist, you can totally relax your upper body and still tense the pelvic floor.
Try it now as you are reading this. Your pelvic floor is tight, but the rest of your body is relaxed. As you practise this regularly and your PC muscle gets stronger, you will be able to distinguish it from the nearby muscles. In the earlier stages, do not concern yourself with this, just tighten and release all the muscles in this pelvic floor area, including the anus and buttocks. Continue to tighten and release several times.
Later in your own private space, while you are standing in front of a mirror, continually draw up and release this PC muscle as if you are holding back urination. You will notice that you can make the penis move up and down as you tighten and release this muscle. If you can do this, then you know you are exercising the right muscle.
Now that you have located the muscle you can start to strengthen it. Incorporate these simple exercises into your daily routine, associating them with a particular activity and independent of your lovemaking sessions. Then the exercises will become habitual and you won’t have to set aside a special time to practise. For example, you can practise while you drive or travel to and from work and no one will know you are doing it.
Strengthening the PC muscle is one of the greatest lovemaking secrets a man can know.

http://www.spiritual.com.au/articles/tantra/premature_ejaculation_dkriley.htm
VIL

[MatthewC]

Hi Yogani and VIL,
Thank you both for taking the time to respond to my post. Yogani, your two books are due to arrive any day now. Whilst I am in no rush, I’m looking forward to refining my practice and getting back on track with the lessons in the book (and the exercises too thanks VIL). I know my initial post was rather long (with everything there for everyone to see!), but I feel very fortunate and subsequently inspired to be able to post something so personal and get honest, helpful repsonses.
Many thanks,
MatthewC

[Anthem]

Welcome to AYP MatthewC,

@MatthewC

I’ve also had an attraction to tantra teachings and methods since a few years back after being unable to ever feel comfortable intimately with a woman. Now, I’ve only been with three women, including my wife, but when I was younger and freer , sex didn’t seem to be a problem. As I got into my 20’s I became more self-conscious about it, and then when I started meditating (just after getting married) and things just went from bad to worse with things usually ending much quicker than I had hoped This (prematurely ejaculating) became a serious issue for me though I am starting to release myself from the pyschological grip which plays big part in it. I did think meditating would have helped - I was doing it everyday for a few years - but looking back, meditating really stirred me up. Maybe I was too stirred up with too much energy moving round too chaotically.

I went through some interesting experiences that may help in your situation. I was with the same partner for over 6 years and it was about a year before the end of that relationship that kundalini energy became active in me. Intimacy with her remained unchanged, despite the excess energy and we even began to have some very enjoyable tantric experiences somewhat spontaneously as well.
After my relationship with her ended, I went through a period of being with unfamiliar partners and the natural concerns and issues that we have internally can be emphasized or exposed in these situations. I began to become anxious about the excess (kundalini) energy and how that was impacting my ability to cope with all the energy during “conventional” sexual situations. I created a lot of unnecessary stress for myself at the beginning of each relationship in the areas of intimacy and wanting to be a good partner.
Some very specific things helped me get through this and I now have a wonderful freedom to be with new partners and it came from doing some internal “house-cleaning”. As Yogani points out regular meditation and sitting practices are the starting point and then doing the tantric practices that he has pointed to are critical. What truly sped this process up for me was adding in “Self-Enquiry” to the process.
Ultimately it is about facing your fears and realizing that the reality isn’t nearly as bad as what we thought it would be. In my case, acknowledging and being with my anxiousness and fear was primary for me, running away (internally) just made things more stressful. What helped most of all was to identify the thoughts that were causing me stress and worry and in facing them one by one. Byron Katie’s book (Loving What Is) on self enquiry helped me enormously in this regard. For example, I had the thought that I was afraid to be a disappointing partner. Hence stress, worry etc. Her method to do self-enquiry on thoughts such as these is nothing short of miraculous for helping us get past fears like this. The other methods mentioned above will do this in time as well but my experience is that tackling it head on is a great accelerator in this regard.

Finally, how has peoples’ experience of sex changed through yoga and meditation. I’m beginning to think that all the energy movement that goes with them can stir things up so it seems like things are going backwards, and this could refer to not only sex but other areas of life. Obviously self pacing is the key here, and while I believed meditation was the greatest thing going, looking back I am wondering if I would have been better off beginning with becoming more attuned to my body through Asanas first. Of course, this isn’t a regret, just an observation over the last couple of years.

My feeling here is that if there is not enough inner silence from meditation, then other practices like tantra, spinal breathing and related mudras etc. can in fact “stir things up” to a point beyond our comfort and tolerance levels. One would benefit from a good foundation of inner silence and balancing the amount of meditation to other prana stimulating practices within the context of self-pacing. Deep meditation to cultivate inner silence and space between our emotions and thoughts is truly the key here.
peace,
Anthem11