Struggling with Grief and Anger After Betrayal - How to Work Through This Spiritually?

21. Yoga and Relationships
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Hi everyone,

I’ve been struggling with something that I’d really appreciate some advice on.

A while ago, I went through an experience of betrayal by someone I considered a close friend. The details aren’t so important here, but the impact has been deep. I feel grief, anger, and a sense of humiliation that’s hard to shake. These emotions have been lingering for a long time, and they affect my whole life - including my spiritual practice.

I’ve noticed that if I try to ignore these feelings or “rise above” them - trying to let go or forgive before I’m really ready - the pain just gets pushed underground and becomes even more disruptive. I know this is sometimes called spiritual bypassing, and I can see how I’ve fallen into that trap before.

But at the same time, when I turn toward the anger and grief, they feel so overwhelming that I worry about getting stuck in them or making them worse. It feels like either I avoid the pain and it festers, or I face it and risk drowning in it.

I’ve read some teachings on forgiveness (for example, Jack Kornfield’s writings), and I’ve also seen that in AYP we’re encouraged not to suppress emotions but to let inner silence do the work of purification over time. But in practice, I’m not sure how to actually work with this kind of emotional wound in a way that feels aligned with my spiritual path.

I’d love to hear from anyone who has faced something similar:

  • How do you honor and feel the difficult emotions without feeding them?
  • How do you balance emotional processing with your AYP practice?
  • Are there any practices (in AYP or elsewhere) that helped you when working through betrayal, anger, or grief?
  • How do you avoid bypassing, but also avoid getting stuck in the story of what happened?

Thank you so much for reading. Any reflections, advice, or pointers are very welcome.

Wishing you all peace and progress on your paths.

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Hi Parmenides,

Sorry to hear of your difficulties with grief and anger. In most of us, it takes time for the grieving process to run its course. There is the old saying that “Time heals all wounds.” It is true, but how long depends on the severity of the wound, and also our spiritual condition… That is, how much inner silence we have established, and how much inner resilience we have (inherent or cultivated in meditation). Depending on these factors, the grieving process can take a very short time, or months, and in some cases years. But it will subside in time. That you can be sure of. The sequence of stages of grieving have been identified in the death and dying movement as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance of what has happened and moving forward.

As for how your experience of grief and anger may be affecting your spiritual practices, the suggestion is to be easy on yourself, not pressing practices too hard, and self-pacing according to need, while at the same time allowing emotions to express in your sittings (see Lesson 15). Taking walks or other forms of exercise/activity can help ground the surging emotions. Your prudent engagement in meditation and other practices will bring inner purification, which can help you get through the stages of grieving. Your recovery will take the time it will take, and you can take some comfort in the knowledge that things will eventually get better. Many of us have been through similar circumstances involving the trauma of loss, and the way back is well known, if not according to our wishes while going through it.

It is important to note that trauma, loss and the grieving process can lead to new openings in our life, and on our spiritual path. Surrendering our emotions (including anger) to our ishta (chosen ideal) can accelerate our movement through the grieving process, leading us to openings that could take much longer to reach otherwise (see Lessons 68 and 340). Not that we should invite trauma and its painful after-effects, but in the long run we might be grateful for the blessings that eventually occurred. In the meantime, you can be sure that those who care about you are sorry and concerned for your loss, and are there for you.

The guru is in you. :pray:

PS: In cases where grief and anger seem not to be resolving, in most communities there are support groups available for sharing among those in similar circumstances, which can help with healing.

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Hi Parmenide,

I appreciate your courage and honesty in sharing this struggle. As you know, everybody goes through similar experiences at some point in their life. Relationships are one of the hardest things to navigate in a human life.

Yogani has given you some great leads in dealing with this experience. I would add only a couple of things.

You may be surprised to learn that healing starts with exactly what you are doing now: expressing the hurt, the anger, and humiliation. Emotions are energies that are released when they are recognized and accepted. Consider writing down for yourself what happened, with all the details and specifics. Talk with a close friend or family member about it. Looking straight at the experience and accepting it makes it less traumatic. The monster in the closet losses its power when we open the closet door.

Emotions carry a message, a lesson for us. Only when we become aware of that, the emotions come to a closure and start to diminish. For example, in the last year a good friend has started to act out, being mean and hurtful toward me. Then she would apologize, and we would be friends again, until the next crisis. I could not understand what was happening. It took a long time to see that she was moving on, and this was her way of leaving.

People do not have power over us if we do not give it to them. Think about: If a stranger did whatever your friend did, would you be as hurt? Our attachments and expectations have a part in our experience. Where are these expectations come from? What is the role of these attachments in the story we tell ourselves? We do play a part in our drama. For example, my friend was upset with me for continuing with my life while hers was uprooted. Her life crisis was not uprooting my life. It made me realize how important friends are and that I should make them a priority. This did not save our friendship. Is it anything you could learn from what happened? Is it anything you could do differently?

And then there is the lesson of impermanence. Buddha says that one of the reasons we suffer is because we take things that are impermanent as permanent. There was a time when you were not friends with this person. After what happened, you are probably not friends anymore. Can you accept that? What does it mean for you? What does it mean for your life? Does this change who you are?

These are some ways to work with your emotions. A psychologist could help much more. Healing and letting go is important because unprocessed emotions hurt us. Forgiving means stopping the suffering. You are the first one to benefit from it.

There is a deep lesson here for your spiritual life. Spiritual progress requires spiritual practices and non-attachment. You could use this experience to understand and explore your attachment in this relationship and then apply your learning to other areas of your life. This can be a chance for rapid growth.

Best wishes. The guru is in you. :pray:

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@yogani and @blanche — thank you both for your kind and thoughtful replies. They mean a lot to me. :pray:

It’s true that this whole ordeal has made me reassess my priorities. It’s given me a deeper appreciation for how important it is to treat others with honesty and care, and to avoid causing harm. It’s also become clearer to me how the spiritual path is the only real way to navigate the suffering of daily life.

The situation has affected me not only personally but also professionally. It has left me quite disillusioned with certain goals that used to feel very meaningful. Right now, it feels like there’s an empty void where those ambitions used to be - but at the same time, I can sense that this emptiness could also be fertile ground, a space where something new might eventually grow.

I’ve sometimes wondered if this could be seen as a kind of karma release. My friend hurt me, yes - but I can’t say I’ve never hurt others, whether in this life or perhaps in others. Maybe this experience is the universe’s way of pointing me toward something I had been overlooking.

I know in AYP we emphasise looking for results in daily life. This certainly hasn’t been smooth sailing, but I can see how the experience might ultimately serve as fuel for spiritual growth.

Looking back, I also wonder if this might have been, in part, a consequence of overdoing. While the situation was unfolding - and while I was caught in what I now recognise as spiritual bypassing - I increased my daily practice, thinking that with enough inner silence I wouldn’t be so affected by what was happening. I thought I could simply “let go” and forgive. But this approach only enabled more dishonesty in the relationship and left the feelings of hurt and betrayal unresolved.

I recently came across Lesson 420.1, where it’s mentioned that increasing practice during difficult times is not usually recommended, as it can lead to instability. I wonder if that’s what happened here. Could this be a case where accumulated karma, combined with a sudden increase in spiritual practice, triggered a kind of release that shook up my life?

Does this seem like a reasonable way to look at what’s happened?

Thank you again for your support and reflections. I truly appreciate the guidance. :pray:

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Hello Parmenides,

Your notes point to this experience as a reflection point in your journey. Yes, we need to treat others and ourselves with honesty, care, and avoid doing any harm. As you know from the first of the eight limbs of yoga, ahimsa (non-violence, non-harming) is the first step in the journey. More, if the final destination is a state of Oneness, then anything we do affects us, literally. We care about everything because everything is what we are.

At another level, forgiving means processing what happen, including our contribution to the problem and experiencing the situation form the other party’s viewpoint. What happened made perfect sense from your former friend’s perspective. Could you see that? Could you see how you contributed to the situation? These are not easy things to process. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, Forgiveness that comes from understanding and taking responsibility is not a bypass. It is a way to healing and releasing the stuck energy.

From the perspective of your Higher Self, what happened was the best way to bring you closer to Who you are. Yes, you are right to think that this is a karmic situation. Now if you could process, understand, and forgive, the energy can clear and move forward. There is still work to be done.

Meditation and other spiritual practices help, but trying to hasten the process will be overwhelming.

Praying to your Ishta, the Divine, your Higher Self will also help.

The guru is in you. Ask for help and you will be heard.

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Hi Parmenides,

Yes, when the emotions are raging and the energies surging, this is not the time to be increasing practices. During this time less is more, with self-pacing and grounding being recommended.

It is going to be alright.

The guru is in you. :pray:

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Hi Yogani and Blanche,

Thank you again for your thoughtful and compassionate replies. I truly appreciate the time, care, and wisdom you’ve both shared.
I can see the truth in what you’re saying - both about the importance of looking honestly at my own role in what happened, and about trusting that healing can’t be forced or rushed. I agree that understanding the other person’s perspective, and reflecting on my own attachments and expectations, is essential.

At the same time, I notice that even though I can recognise these things intellectually, the emotional conflict remains. I’m beginning to accept that insight and emotional healing may not happen on the same timeline - and that this, too, is part of the process.

I also appreciate the suggestion to pray. Prayer is something new for me, but I can feel how this experience is asking me to open in ways I hadn’t considered before. I will give it a try, and see where it leads.

Thank you both for your generosity, kindness, and guidance. It means a lot to me.

With gratitude and warm wishes

— Parmenides

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Hi Parmenides,
The fact that you recognize that “the emotional conflict remains” shows that there is more to the situation that is not seen. That is karma, blinding us to what is really here. This is the reason writing down and then considering things more objectively or talking with another person may offer a glimpse of what really happened. We all tend to see quite clearly what happens to another, while still being blinded when it comes to our own stuff.

As we progress on the path, we confront our deepest fears and attachments. The tighter we hold on something, the more uncomfortable the experience is.

Difficulties tend to dissolve with regular practices over time, so as Yogani said, things will be ok in long term.

Best wishes on your path!