Hello wonderful ayp community,
I’ve been practicing AYP deep meditation with spinal breathing pranayama and solo tantra for about 21 months. For the last 3 months very strong energy has been affecting my upper body both during and after meditation. At times this energy is uncomfortable, so I’ve had to reduce my practice to just 10 minutes of deep meditation with 5 minutes of rest usually just once per day. After 3 months of reduced practice, I continue to feel large amounts of energy clearing blockages in my upper chest, throat, sinuses etc.
Along with increased energy has been lethargy. I’ve been sleeping for 10-12 hours per night. I’ve felt less concerned about daily life. My apartment is a mess and my university grades have slipped a little. When I feel anxious or nervous about anything, my automatic response is to witness myself feeling nervous and let it happen. As a result, I’ve been more self centered and less concerned with people’s perception of me including my perception of myself.
At the same time. I can feel something stirring in me that doesn’t accept dispassion. It wants me to have values and goals and be a productive member of society. As my yoga practices continue and I feel this sense of integrity, dispassion has to work harder to dissolve the fears and anxieties that I’m not fulfilling myself.
From what I’ve read about the ‘stages of enlightenment’ feelings of dispassion and passion are commonly associated with long term meditation. I know the dispassion has a purpose and is a part of a process of expansion within me. I hope eventually I can find a middle ground where I can work toward fulfillment without uncomfortable feelings of self criticism. Right now it feels like I’m withdrawing myself from daily life and that it is necessary or automatic for me to do so.
My question is whether dispassion is healthy at all. Can it be explained by attributing it to a larger process of expansion or should I find some way of working toward overcoming dispassion? I have a vision of myself working toward something valuable, but I also feel intuitively that goals and visions of the future are meaningless projections that have no control over my actual experiences. There are opposite energies at play within me. Feelings of passion are trying to light a fire under my life but dispassion is dampening the flames.
Hello Greymatter
You’ve been making some very good progress with your practice and you’re doing well on self-pacing too.
You will find that balance. This issue of dispassion vs. working toward fulfillment will look different as you progress with your practice. It is closely related to self-perception (you know that ‘Who am I?’ question) and the level of inner silence you’re reached. I don’t know if there is much point trying very hard to answer it today at rational/conceptual level. In a year or two you may see things very differently and the conflict could simply vanish. I’d say go with the flow, be who you are today and just continue with your practice and sensible self-pacing as you have been doing.
Dear Greymatter,
Dispassion is not a “don’t bother to do”, it is a “do and let go”.
Sey 
In this phase of your development you are seeing opposites Passion and Dispassion.
In time these will cease to be as they blend and become whole then you will simply know what to do. When this happens you will have satisfaction in every moment and be able to bring the future into being by simply doing the next right thing in every moment. Plan, Execute Action, Reflect, Repeat. Such is life and you will not be made unbalanced by success nor disturbed by loss. That is not to say you will go for failure just the opposite.
When these two blend and become whole then you will be working more from intuition. The time this takes is variable with the individual. Continuing your practices and self pacing without getting in a hurry is the swiftest route.
Well said …
Hi Greymatter
You may find this discussion of interest:
http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=15795
love
parvati
I do not think this is dispassion, not as Yogani defines it. What you are going through is quite common. It’ll play itself out then you’ll find a spark that brings you back out into the world. Don’t worry.
I too think it’s important to remember it’s a transition phase - our motives change as we grow on the path. The things that we ‘bother to do’ may be different, or we may do the same things as before but for different reasons. In the meantime you need to keep the show on the road, that’s why it’s important to self-pace.
Thank you for your nice information it will really help ful
I agree with Sey re: dispassion. Regardless, these feelings come and go like the tide. When you are firmly situated in the stillness of the deep water, you will not be disturbed by the passing waves. Continue on with the practice and living daily life as normal.