I’m sure a lot of you guys have been through this.
I’ve been acting like an ass recently. When I do this, I suffer a great deal. My stories don’t hold up very long.
Yesterday, I was meditating, afterward I felt like I needed to lay down and die. I know it sounds awful, but anyway. I just am sick of nothing ever being it ( Ya know?). So I laid down and didn’t do anything. There were sweeps and sweeps of energy through different layers. What I was calling the witness wasn’t there. It was nothing doing all this something.
When I got to the dying part, I didn’t see chakras or anything. I saw a blinding light. I got pulled back by fear.
Today, my body feels very light. I can’t find a witness. I still have lots of thought. I feel like nobody is doing a bunch of something. I still feel like I need to lay down and die, but I am too afraid when the time comes to do it.
Hi Lalow,
Your post indicates self pacing is required. The energy has take over and inner silence lost in the back ground. Energy and inner silence has to go hand in hand for balance. I’m not sure what your practice consists of. I may sound like a broken record but Samyama is the way to live with the mind. We practices for different reasons.
Balance in daily life comes first here and everything else after.
Sunyata
I know what I’m posting sounds terrible, sunyata. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page. I feel like there is no book or practice that gets you there. Yes, you do practices, but at some point you have to surrender so much that it feels like you are dying. Whatever I was calling the witness is gone. It’s just nothing, I don’t have a label, witness, awareness, those words don’t fit. The fraction of a second I become somebody, or attention is bound to something(I’m not sure how to describe it), there is some suffering.
Hi Lalow,
It’s not terrible,you are sharing your experience. We are here to share and help each other out. May be something is getting ready to fall away. Refer to the recent posts(thread) in the Plus forum. You are right, books and practices serve a purpose. They point to the Truth, but Truth reveals itself.
Surrender is simply letting go of all ideas/thoughts- even the idea what surrender is/ should be? What liberation should look like? What end of suffering should look like? Simply let everything go in silence (Samyama). And yes, sometimes no practices/books are left to hang onto in order for surrender to take place.
I’m going by what you have posted. The guru in you knows the best. Don’t forget to self pace and ground. Play your favorite song and dance. 
Yes. 
Let this thought go as well.
Hi Lalow
I think what you’re describing is this: the identification with what you used to perceive as your self (the ‘me’, as opposed to the Self) has become painful. I get this sometimes too, but not quite so intense, at least not so far. I think the ‘death’ you mention will have to happen, but, as Sunyata says, do self-pace.
Maybe a good idea to put your question on the Plus forum too - more likely to get Yogani or Cristi’s attention there. Maybe you could do with some reassurance from somebody advanced, who has past through this stage and came out of it.
Best wishes to you
Hi Blue,
Good advice. This stage has been crossed here. I feel that giving ideas of what it is going to be like is adding a layer. The thread in Plus forum “Confirmation of Unity”
Blanche explains the transition beautifully. I went through this kicking and screaming. Self pacing in AYP is what helps with the smooth transition in consciousness. Or may be some of us need to go through this kicking and screaming. Yes, best to get the advice from Yogani and Christi.
Sunyata
Thank you gals! I will self- pace. Maybe it’s easier to go through this with a quiet mind. I feel okay today. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m hiding in a corner or something. My mind isn’t spinning or out of control, just normal. What I called the witness still is gone. It’s just nothing in there. I sorta identified with what I called the witness. It’s not there, and I can’t find a me. There’s nobody home. I have no idea who is doing all this stuff.
I will check outta here for a few days. I’ll check the plus board when I return.
Yes. Let it all soak in. Not sure if you have heard the phrase- After the bliss, the laundry. If things start coming up really fast, just be with it.Don’t let the mind add stories to it, let the body feel. Take baths, walks, just ground. I’m posting this because I wish there was someone to tell me these things. to you Lalow.
Thank you, sunyata. I did read this, but I must go if I am really going to self-pace, at least a few days. I miss the witness, at least I had an identity. I do feel strange, not bad just strange.
I think it was a result of not doing cover- up habits. I’ve been walking everyday. I had a girl’s weekend at a casino. I’ve lowered my practices over and over.
MC YOGI - Road Home (feat. Trevor Hall) Enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1Il3jM9Ypg
Peace be with you, Lalow.
Love. Radiance. Abundance.
Hmmm from what has been shared a rest is needed.
Reads like allot of change.
Reads like the in-dweller is unstable not able to find it’s proper seat in the new environment that has been developed by practices because the practices keep changing things.
1 month of rest away from message boards and yoga will probably take care of things.
Dear Lalow
The above comment is amazing, especially the bolded part. To my way of thinking, what you have described is very very close to the essence of enlightenment. Rarely experienced here, but when it is, there is certainty that this is only perhaps one small step away from pure awareness. I’ve learned not to crave any experience, but rather to simply BE with whatever is happening. When this one happens, it is priceless. It is what this life is dedicated to. It is what I want more than anything else.
But then there is also certainty that this is my true Self, and so there is really no way of getting away from it (and therefore no need to crave it). It is always there. You should be giving the rest of us advice. But if I were to offer any, it would be to recognize that you are experiencing your true Self. And the experience of it will come and go as all experiences do … you are deeper than the experience. But this experience, in my opinion, is the most precious of all experiences. Imho, with the releasing of this perception - as an experience - there may be nothing else left to obstruct pure awareness. You probably already know this. Very happy for you Lalow
In much love and gratitude,
parvati
I think it’s best to listen to yourself, not me. I’m an amateur at this spiritual stuff. I can’t find anything that’s good advice or a stable platform. Any advice I could give you is best taken as jibberish. I’m not being humble; I’m serious.
What is the authentic happiness? The genuine enlightenment? The honest humility? Had written post which was too long and perhaps irrelevant as well. Working on containment isn’t easy.
love
parvati
edit/ content reduction
I have no idea. Still can not find anything in here. Still have reactions, but they disappear quickly.
Hi Lalow,
There will be an integration process. A new normal will start. Emotions will come back. The functioning will be from a different state of conciouness. It’s like being re-born. Learning will continue.
My meditations are different. It’s hard to explain. Some are waves of fear, but they are just " pings" in the diaphram.
Meditation, every day life, Life as we have known up to that point all changes. Just flow with it. Like Yogani says- the peace increases every year.
I’d recommend you read (if you haven’t already done so) Gopi Krishna’s autobiography - Living With Kundalini.
Much of what you describe - the loss of self, the over reaction to thoughts - was experienced by him in the worst form, yet he writes about the transformation that was occurring and where it eventually led (although there’s no finality to it ). It’s an incredibly reassuring, uplifting read if your experience has a parallel with his.