Great song! I just listened to it! I’m holding on somehow lalow33!! A crying mess but I’m holidng on! Just missing everyone I’ve ever loved in my life right now as I leave my hometown…
I speak Spanish and was reflecting today on the word “hogar.” It’s a word that means home but doesn’t directly translate. It means alot more than home, its actually more like “soul” and in the Latino culture (or at least Colombian culture) it really means that your home is a reflection of your soul and such a deep part of yourself. You’re home is your soul and your soul is your home I suppose…So what/where is home anyway is the real question?
On what I will coin my “relocation to CA midlife crisis journey” (I shall at least retain my sense of humor throughout this upheaval, LOL!) I just visited my childhood home a few days ago that I had not visited since we moved from there 20 years ago. It was such a special experience to return as an adult to all these happy and sad childhood memories (so many memories which arise while I meditate). Some of my happiest memories as a child were climbing trees and when I meditate I often visualize this specific tree and it was so special to be able to touch that same tree after so many years. I thought I would feel so sad to return to the house but it was such a sense of completion and something I felt the itch to do before I left. I’m so glad I did.
…and to leave my mom and dad really for the first time on a permanent basis- the grief of that is deeper than I anticipated. The last time I felt this level of upheaval in my life was when I began recovery nearly 11 years ago. I do know that this too shall pass and where I will be 3, 6 mos down the road will be a different place. I can also see the fruits of this experience. I’ve noticed that my being able to be as upfront and honest as I have been on this forum has actually given me more courage in my business to be able to put myself out there more publicly which I’ve sort of shyed away from before. So I think courage is something I’ve been gaining in this process.
Gratefully, I have alot of support around me both here and in my 3D life right now. Thank you all for reading my journal! Much love 
C
Hi All, Just wanted to continue to share my relocation to CA journey…So today we left and are driving cross country -something I’ve never done before and it feels like an exciting pilgrimage!
It’s bittersweet leaving the place I was born and raised with my support network but there’s a real sense of peace and completion. I was just reflecting on what’s happened in and around me the past few months.
I’ve faced the loss of leaving courageously and squarely in the eye- shed many tears, experienced resurgence of kundalini/purification/dark nights of the soul, experienced undeniable psychic abilities not previously experienced; somehow cared for my children, reconnected with the AYP forum, experienced the healing and joy of reconnection of an old childhood friend, opened Pandora’s box and shared my truth about someone I still love after so many years, been transparent with my husband and shared authentically with him (I still am yet to have clarity on the long term direction of my marriage- I just know we are meant to be together now and support each other through this move). I’ve laughed hysterically with family and friends, revisited old childhood landmarks, supported my husband and son through their grief of moving, oh yeah, sold our house (well in the process right now, fingers crossed to close sept 15); enjoyed a few going away parties; and this week flagrantly and publicly individually acknowledged the special people in my life.
This life is so short and I never want to miss an opportunity to play full out, regardless of people’s judgments of me or the courage it takes- and I can squarely say I have played full out these past few months! I feel like I said what I needed to say and did what I needed to do before leaving.
I feel complete now and the support of loved ones behind me and I feel ready and excited for this new unknown chapter in my life!
I want to acknowledge you all on this forum for continuing to support me through challenging times in my life. I’m grateful to call this community my own. Much love always, Chard
Take good care, Godspeed!
Have a smooth journey
I’d love to get some support…
For those of you who haven’t followed the above thread, in short our family moved to CA a few wks ago after moving from place I’ve lived my entire life. It’s lovely here and a wonderful place for our family- I haven’t looked over my shoulder once…
Yet I’ve never felt more alone especially in the evenings. We know one family in the area who is away for the wknd. I’m here alone with my two kids for a month without my husband who in 17 yrs I’ve never been away from for more than a wk.
I didn’t realize how I’ve never really been alone, even just sleeping alone is lonely (and a little scary actually!). Yet I’ve also thought I’ve gotten to the place in my life where I can be with myself and appreciate solitude, especially with small children- solitude is a luxury. I often love being away just myself for the day.
Also in the midst of just moving, my marriage is on the rocks and I feel really unsettled. A lot of questioning of am I with him because I’m afraid to be alone and attached to him, or because we co-parent well and because it’s best for the kids etc? I’m just in a lot of pain and confusion (and I feel like I’m also taking on a lot of my husband’s pain energetically) and feeling a lot of loneliness. Also my kids at times are feeling needy now with transition as well. It’s also been hard to connect w my friends back home because when kids are asleep and I have my time it’s too late at night with time difference.
I have been hitting recovery meetings and enjoying playing with my kids outdoors and daytime has been fine but it’s mainly evenings.
I could just use some supportive words from this community now. Thank you!
Much love, C
Dear Chard,
Human beings are resilent. I understand what you are going through. I’ve been following your posts and you have a joyful outlook. Focus on that and make the best of what life has to offer.
Much Love
Treat yourself well in this downshift time, eat right, get sleep, give away your troubles through samyama. If your kids are needy, serve them with a lovely smile. If your husband is distant, text him a love poem. If you feel down try to lighten it with breath, or turn your face to the sun and marinate in it. You have a lot of creative tools at your disposal!
Chard
Such sweet advice you are receiving. Probably don’t need to remind you that the kind of move you recently made is extremely stressful for your entire family and will perhaps take more time to recover from than you think is required. Remember to put in the effort to stay grounded, triple grounded. If you want to oversleep, that’s okay too. Do you have a creative outlet - sketching/ painting, playing a musical instrument, journaling or writing short stories, etc.? Projects for the new house? Is a winter garden feasible, what vegies grow well in your area? Now would be a great time to explore your creative talent or lack thereof. I’m an artist because it gives me joy. Find your joy. Better yet give it a chance to find you, be open to it. Fall will be here soon and what a lovely time of year. Breathe in all that beauty and respond to it as well as you can.
love
parvati
Dear Chard,
I agree with all the loving support above.This is a time of stress and change in your life and it is normal to feel uncomfortable and lonely. You all have to settle down and that is not an overnight happening but you already know this.
Maybe keep a short daily journal to let some frustrations go and finish the page with some positives, decorate the page with some doodle or collage work, it doesn’t have to be beautiful 
Sending and strength.
You are on journey of self-discovery Chard. So much you are learning about yourself!
I understand it feels difficult. I’ll add my good wished to those already made by the other respondents. Look after yourself and those around you. You will be so much richer for having been through this experience.
Hi Chard,
Thank you for sharing. Moving to a new place is challenging. It is like coming to a new bon fire. You leave the warmth and light of the old fire, where you were in the middle of the circle of friends, to go to sit by another fire. At the new place, you are at the edge, far away from the center, away from the warmth, light, and friends. The people by the fire are settled, and it takes time (six months or so) to get in the circle.
You do have the children, and they are a great way to meet new people. Maybe you could go regularly to a playground, and meet other parents with children. Public libraries and many museums have programs for children. Look in the local newspaper and online for ideas. Also, plan something for each day, take advantage of the fact that you do not have social obligations, and explore the area. It will keep the kids busy and entertained, and help to manage the loneliness of moving to a new place.
Making some long term plans may help, too, as there will be something to look forward to in the foreseeable future. Maybe I’ll see you again at a retreat. Take a look at the AYP retreat at Menla Mountain Retreat next June. Menla is an amazing place, and it supports the Tibet cause. Cristi will come from UK to co-lead. We renegotiated the prices, and got a sponsor, so things are more affordable. Let me know if you have any questions.
Best wishes!
Blanche
Thank you all! Your responses are really supportive to me right now during this time.
Sunyata, thanks for “joyous outlook” compliment. That makes me feel joyous to just hear that!
Thanks Dogboy! I’ve been focusing on eating well, enjoyed the sunshine and jumped in the ocean this wknd, and took your advice and sent my husband a supportive and loving poem. I just want to love myself and him throughout this regardless of the outcome.
Parvati, thank you for those special reminders…I’m going to sign up for classes at a yoga studio here tmrw, I thought I’d buy some clay and start sculpting after kids go to sleep and there’s endless outdoor activities here which is great! I got a sitter today and went to energy healer today which I think was helpful too.
Charliedog, you are definitely right, it is to be expected to have these feelings during this time, I just didn’t expect such an unraveling on various levels.
Thank you BlueRaincoat, I do agree that I’m sure I’ll be richer (hopefully financially too! Haha!) after I come through this experience!!
Thank you Blanche, I love the analogy with the bonfire and great suggestions regarding long term plan.
I’m so grateful to the loving support of this community right now. I’m trying to reach out for all the support available to me to help myself now.
I just pray to God for clarity re my husband and guidance one day at a time and just to know I’m where I’m supposed to be for today. There are times when you just want God/Divine to whisper very clearly in your ear, “You are on the path and where you are meant to be. All is well. Trust and rest in my loving embrace.” This is one of those times.
Loads of love to all tonight! Chard
Hi All, just wanted to stay connected to this group on my transition journey here…I had a most memorable dream last night about my mom that I felt nudged to share…It was one of the most real dreams I’ve had and in the dream she even said that i wasn’t dreaming- it was like an astral traveling experience. She was waking me up in the morning like when I was child so nurturing to me and I woke up crying when I realized it was a dream. I miss my mom so much.
When I left my parents on the east coast and moved to CA recently a part of me felt like I’m leaving them forever because the thought occurred to me that they will grow older and probably eventually pass away without me living near them and I feel so enormously sad to know that’s that’s a likely reality.
I’ve been really honoring my grief and loneliness that comes in waves and just being w it and at the same time there’s been moments of joy too. So much of my spiritual journey is about me growing more and more inwardly solid and deepening that self love and seeing how humanly fragile I still am all the while. It helps to share this
I really appreciate hearing your support. It really makes a difference for me at this time.
Thank u all!! Blessings, Chard
Love & Light to you dear Chard
Thank u CharlieDog!
It continues to be helpful to reach out for support during this big move. Long story short, the transition has been a bit of a drawn out process in terms of physically settling into our new home which has felt unsettling.
With my husband traveling back and forth I was pretty much a single mom for 2 months. I have a new respect for single parents - I’ll say it’s lonely and bitter hard w 2 young often rowdy young boys… and there’s a noticeable shift in the kids’ behavior w 2 parents versus one.
I continue to feel unsettled though in my marriage internally (my true heart’s just not in it and I cannot will it to be) and yet I feel a solidity within our family unit and the boys do too when he’s co-parenting w me and at home.
Among many awakenings this year, one of which has been this more outward yearning to do my spiritual work as opposed to feeling very inward and maternal w little babies. It’s like I’ve transitioned to a new stage in my life. I yearn to serve in my professional work and it brings me great joy and purpose and my soul says “aghh”. My husband is on a totally different plane and cannot appreciate “all that spiritual stuff.” Perhaps if I were really spiritually advanced it wouldn’t matter who I were married to because I could just be in my bliss regardless - but to what degree do we remain in a marriage just merely making it an opportunity to serve, especially when children are involved? At what cost? My husband is an amazing wonderful man who I love deeply (who I’d always choose over single parenting) but my heart is elsewhere. I’ve shared about most of this before so it’s no surprise but I’d love to hear responses at this point.
I feel safe enough to be totally honest and transparent here regardless of the audience. Love to hear your responses.
Much love, Chard
You have endured a lot of changes these past few months and are still adjusting to your new home. You love your husband but are not in love with him. Perhaps that is enough for now, for you have much on your plate and a lot of unsettled feelings inside and out. As long as respect and safety is present in your marriage, you both have time to figure this out.
Perhaps bliss is in also accepting our heart breaks. I know easier said than done.
As the saying goes “Inch by inch, life’s a cinch. Yard by yard, life’s hard.”
Much Love
Dog boy, I really appreciate your words…I could feel the divine wisdom flow through your words. Thank you. It is true- there’s a lot on my plate in just getting settled here on the outside. All I can really handle right now anyway is just focusing on organizing and setting up our home here. I’m utterly grateful too that I married a home designer who can look at a room and know exactly how to design and decorate it and bring beauty where it does not exist. So right now I’m just enjoyed witnessing him and assisting him in this process and anchoring our family here more and more- so it’s just trusting that that’s where I need to be now and also continuing to focus on my service work and God will guide me to the next right action in my life. I don’t need to know how the future of my life will play out but I’m often impatient.
Sunyata, thank you so much for your words of wisdom…yes, it’s all about acceptance of every bit of how my life is today…the heartbreak, the deep peace, the pain, the confusion, the shame, the disorientation in a new place, the loneliness, the laughter, the passion, the divine love, the selfish love, the anger, the serenity, the humility, the courage, the nostalgia, the aloneness, the yearning, the joy, the trust, the clenching, and the increasing love for myself in the midst of what I’ve been living.
All the while just accepting that this is the “what is” of my life right now- so be it.
I can sit with it all. I will sit with it all.
I humbly thank u Sunyata and Dogboy. Love always all! C
Hi All, it’s been awhile since I’ve updated this thread and what I love about the forum is that I have these archived entries where I can see my own spiritual growth and changes throughout the years and it’s been always been a way for me to feel connected to my soul with only one person out there knowing my identity.
In terms of my marriage…It’s becoming less about am I going to “save” this marriage or “break” this marriage (words that society uses to talk about marriage) and more about how can we as a family harmoniously restructure our family in a way that serves me, my husband and our children. I’ve been so afraid of change- but everything is always changing all the time. I’ve realized that I can never get a “divorce” or have a “broken home” or “separate” from a man I’ve loved for nearly 25 years who I call my soulmate. Those words do not serve me or resonate. However, the structure of marriage with my husband is no longer serving me, or him. It’s like a pair of pants that I tell myself and society tells me that should fit, but they don’t. I can, however, move in the direction of conscious uncoupling and harmoniously co-parenting. I’m committed to harmony, and harmony in our family unit… looking like my husband (or “was-band!”) living in different homes and us functioning more like friends and slowly unraveling the delicate label of marriage. I realize I need to create a new template for our family around this uncoupling process. Divorce has so many negative associations. I told my husband I am devoted to him and he is my family, and yet I said I can no longer have sex with him or wish to remain married to him, or share my body and life with him in the same way. It’s a betrayal to my heart and soul to share my body with someone with whom my soul is not connected. I may be celibate for the rest of my life but I cannot be untrue to soul anymore. It’s not about anyone else, it’s about me and my integrity with my soul. I’ve had more peace in my heart now that we haven’t slept together in the same room or had sex for maybe 6 wks. Yet, I feel this may not be an easy road at all for me. I’ve had to consider that I may never have sex again because im not after casual sex. I’m going to have to face my loneliness on a lot of levels. I’ve had frequent sex with the same one person for 23 years. Some couples stop having sex after kids but we’ve always had been a healthy sex life.
So there are losses and change that I’m acknowledging that that I feel. My husband is looking for an apartment. It’s been an emotional roller coaster but I feel good though that we’ve been supportive and even telling the kids that we are as a family going to have two homes. I believe harmony is possible here. I only want to create good karma with my husband. I also am really using this time to dedicate to healing from this relationship and looking at my side of the street. Anything can become a spiritual practice depending on intention including this uncoupling process. To the outside world, what I’m doing may seem ridiculous but my soul is just telling me to trust and I’m on the right path.
I’m getting support in my life- doing my meditation practice, seeing a good therapist and attending my recovery meetings and doing good self care. I do ask for extra prayers and supportive words right now. Love, Chard
We have to walk this path alone Chard. Only we can find out what is best for us and all involved, by taking steps, one by one, like you do. Not easy, it takes courage.
Love and Light to you and your family.