Dear CarsonZ,
I have found the men’s responses to your predicament highly amusing and recommend - forget what the men are saying (sorry guys! but it’s true), they will lead you astray. I thought of adding some real advice but prefer to stick to this:
“Tie her shoes, man, remember to tie her shoes”
Hi emc
Sure! Awesome! All perspectives are warmly welcomed! 
Well, I can promise you that I am “True” to my wife in every way. I have zero desire to be with anyone else.
The reason I am here asking advice is (as I said above) because she is suffering over this, and I would like to be able to help her have some clarity here so that she is not continuing to suffer. Everything I have been trying so far has not helped…although bringing her home some flowers and a poem last night helped I think.
I can guarantee you that I still have ego structures working. 
Would never claim to have no ego. The ego is still very present here, although it IS usually seen as ego and it is getting easier by the day to not engage with it.
Hmmmmm… I have a feeling that ego structures/mind/ego in Woman cause negative emotions in Woman…and the same goes for Man. I don’t think it is fair to blame external people or circumstances for our negative emotions.
Yes, I have a feeling that at least part of the problem is her processing “old junk”. I don’t believe it has anything to do with her past men, but I DO believe that it is likely to do with her childhood and feeling like she was not worthy of Love from her parents…and they certainly reinforced this feeling in her for a long time…still are in fact. It could be any number of things, but I have a feeling this is playing into it at least subconsciously.
Sure… there’s always a possibility, and it is probably something I should inquire into…and will. But as it stands now, there is nothing looking to be gained from loving all. It is not something I am consciously doing even… I just genuinely feel unconditional love for everyone… how could you not!? Humanity is such a remarkable/amazing/Divine thing, that I can’t help but feel deeply connected to each and every one of us. We each are truly Divine in spirit and it is hard to miss that these days.
No one external can make us feel anything. All is choice.
In this situation I would say I am her only support. Which is why it feels important to me to be of service here and not just let her try to figure things out on her own.
There is certainly still “attraction to others” here…and I don’t believe that that will ever go…but IME it does change form. Now I see people I would never have thought to label as “beautiful” or “attractive” before, as overwhelmingly Divine and stunningly beautiful. But not in a sexual or in a “surface” way. All are seen as “attractive”.
No, there is no need to show it… but it does often show itself. In ways I don’t think could ever be misconstrued as sexual, but I could be wrong here…I will begin an indepth inquiry into this. Thank you for your advice emc…it is greatly appreciated. /
Love!
Hi SeySorciere
Hahahaha…what’s funny is that I DO tie her shoes! She’s to the point where it is very difficult to bend over far enough to tie her own shoes, so…
Love!
Hi Carson,
This is the thing with real love, when your wife suffers, you will suffer too. So the days of being able to say that it is her problem, and she will have to sort it out are coming to an end. If you are behaving in a way that is causing your wife to suffer, then there will be a natural tendency to want to do something about that. It is a natural flow that happens when two hearts are connected and open.
Christi
Hi Christi
Exactly. That is why I have started this thread…because I want to find a way to ease/end my wife’s suffering without trying to hide the fact that I am in Love with the whole of humanity (which is manifesting itself by trying to be of service to everyone who “crosses my path”). How do you make someone feel secure when unconditional love isn’t doing it (fast enough)?
Love!
Continue giving love and being unconditional love no matter what? It’s gonna be OK.
Hi Yonatan
I know…it is going to be ok… thank you. /
Love!
Hi Carson,
I don’t think that is the right question. After all, you can’t make someone feel one way or another way. But when love is real, you are feeling the hurt that your wife feels, as if it is happening inside you. Then action is spontaneous and you know what is the right thing to do. That may result in you simply talking to your wife about it, or it may be that you will naturally want to change the way you behave around others to take into account the feelings of your wife.
It is the natural outcome of compassion as the boundaries between self and other begin to dissolve. It is no longer about your wife and her feelings, and you and your feelings. As the heart expands and separation between self and other falls away, unconditional love is the tangible quality of the nature of that union. Then action flows from that state without any hesitation or questioning and will always be pure.
Christi
Hi Christi
I don’t think that is the right question. After all, you can’t make someone feel one way or another way.
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Yes for sure. Can’t make anyone feel anything. And can’t choose the time frame either. It is just hard to watch someone so close to you suffer needlessly…especially when you are facilitating the suffering. But, I can’t stop teaching yoga, and this is essentially what is causing the circumstance around which my wife is suffering.
Yes, for sure.
I know what to do… but it is not up to me to end her suffering for her…I can do what I can to create circumstances in which it would be easier not to suffer, but essentially it is up to her whether to suffer or not…it is her choice, and if it isn’t this situation causing suffering it will be another.
I have spent much time talking with her about this recently (to pretty good effect I would say), but the difficulty is in that I don’t totally place my relationship with my wife on a pedestal… it doesn’t necessarily supercede all other relationships. If someone comes to me for help, and it feels right to get involved, I will do so…with my wife or with anyone else. But if my wife feels that I should only be trying to help her, and not helping anyone else, this is not possible for me at this time. I can’t turn off of my desire to be of service to everyone and only be of service to her just because it makes her jealous when I work with other people. That isn’t fair to anyone.
But this “dissolving of boundaries” doesn’t pick and choose. It doesn’t say that the boundaries will only dissolve between me and my wife. It dissolves ALL boundaries making it impossible not to see everyone as Self, causing a deep desire to be of service to All. Which causes jealousy in my wife. For me (and it may be different for others I don’t know), there is no turning off the need to be of service to everyone I can be.
Nope…it is about the feelings of the whole of humanity…not just the feelings of either myself, my wife or the two of us as partners. The two of us aren’t some “2 person unit” that exists seperate from the rest of the world. We too are a part of the whole and this seems to be the issue for her. She wants us to be a seperate unit…“us” and “them”, and that perspective just doesn’t jive here anymore…and this is causing jealous feelings for her.
But those actions may still cause suffering for others. I can’t choose for anyone not to suffer, that has to be a personal choice. I could do everything possible to try and make life be a certain way so that my wife feels as little amount of suffering as possible because of my actions, but in doing this I will be stifling the ability for real love to shine elsewhere…focusing the outpouring on one person. If I allow the action to flow as it desires to, without hesitation or questioning, these actions can still facilitate suffering in another (in this situation my wife).
Love!
Carson, how would you feel/what would you do if the situation were reversed? If she was “counseling” attractive men who were emailing her and telling her that they loved her (and she was telling them the same)?
Hi wigswest
Well, honestly I can’t say for sure. In one way perhaps I would probably feel a little jealous as she does. In another way I would probably feel honored that she was my wife and was in a position to help others in that way. I think it would all boil down to trust and open communication. As long as I trust her, and as long as we are able to openly communicate about it, I don’t think it would be an issue. I can’t say for sure until I am actually in the situation, (it’s a hypothetical situation with hypothetical feelings) but I think I would probably inquire into the nature of the “couselling” and would either let it go or not depending on the inclination then.
But then there is another part of me that wants to answer this question that it wouldn’t make one iota of difference to me. Even if she cheated on me and I knew it. It would likely hurt the ego somewhat (to feel that “I” am not desired as much as another), but at the same time I feel I could both be happy for her, and also let it go (I don’t own her, nor her actions). So honestly, I really don’t know how I would feel… it could really go either way at this point I think.
Love!
Well, it’s something you need to be honest with yourself about. Because the bottom line is, Love = doing to others as you would have them do unto you. And that includes your wife.
Anything else, you can call it whatever makes your ego feel better, but it ain’t love.
Hi wigswest…
Yes, it includes my wife, but can not be exculsively my wife. It’s do unto others…ALL others, not just one other. And if one other says that my doing unto ALL others is causing her suffering, is it “right” to put that one other on a pedestal and ignore the doing unto the rest of humanity as I would have them do to me in order to help ease the suffering of one other? If one other decides that they want me to live in a box so that they feel safe, is it “right” to oblige them and to forget about doing unto “the rest” of others?
Love!
There’s a difference between spousal love and altruistic compassion for humankind. Make it clear to her which feeling you have for her. Also there’s a social context in which counseling may occur in a professional way so that the boundaries are clear.
Adamant
Hi Carson,
Of course. If it wasn’t that way, it would hardly be unconditional love.
That’s the other aspect of unconditional love, it doesn’t attach to outcomes. You will be moved to do what you feel is right, through your love for your wife (or anyone else), but what happens then is also surrendered (offered) in love. There is no need to hold on to it.
Who is facilitating the suffereing? It sounds to me like you are facilitating your own suffering by believing your story, and she is facilitating her own suffering by believing her story. No?
Christi
Hi Adamant, Christi and All
@adamant: [quote=“adamantclearlight”]
There’s a difference between spousal love and altruistic compassion for humankind. Make it clear to her which feeling you have for her.
[/quote]
The only real difference between my relationship with my wife and my relationship with anyone else (male or female) is that I choose to share the sacredness of sexual intimacy with only my wife. In every relationship/friendship I am involved in there is unconditional love and openness. I hold nothing back from anyone.
Oh, the boundaries are very clear. The boundaries that exist right now are sexually oriented though. I won’t go there. But at this point, I don’t see much difference between Love, romantic Love, and Unconditional Love…they all look like Love from here.
The “counselling” is not counselling in the traditional sense. It is basically just someone coming to me asking for advice on different aspects of yoga and relationships. It is very informal.
@Christi: [quote=“Christi”]
That’s the other aspect of unconditional love, it doesn’t attach to outcomes. You will be moved to do what you feel is right, through your love for your wife (or anyone else), but what happens then is also surrendered (offered) in love. There is no need to hold on to it.
[/quote]
Exactly. And if the outcome is continued suffering for my wife, I can only do what I am moved to do and have to stay unattached to this outcome. But this is not necessarily received very well if you know what I mean
My actions/lack of action/perspective is facilitating suffering for my wife.
The only suffering I can find here (for me) is what I might term “appreciative suffering” (as opposed to the “appreciative joy” of Buddhism). There is no “real” suffering for me over this…the only suffering here is caused by seeing my wife suffer needlessly and wanting to end it but not being able to.
Love!
Carson, I don’t know what to say, but what I can do is to give you feedback from what I pick up from your writings. To be honest - I find it low frequent. It’s mind frequency coming through. It doesn’t give vibes of Truth/stillness. Your argumentation seems to point at you having no problems - your wife having all problems. In my experience this is simply never true, since the outside is a perfect reflection of the inside. So, I think there must be something in your approach that needs to be looked at carefully if you want to dissolve this issue.
Thanks for your honesty emc, I really appreciate it
I know that I have “problems”…definitely not above problems here. But I am the one who has to work on “my” problems, and the same goes for my wife. I can be there to love, support and accept her (as she can be for me), but I can’t solve her problems for her, nor can she solve mine.
Love!
Hi Carson, I’m with emc here. I think your response is unwise:
You have a rather shallow view of married relationship. Surely you share more with your wife than anyone else. If you don’t there a problem.
My wife is my closest friend; she picks me up when I fall; I trust her with all my confidences; I trust her with my bank account; she cares for me when I’m ill; she looks after me when I’m absent minded; she helps me with my parents; we share spiritual values; she is my goddess and my savior; she’s the one person I want to grow old with and to die with. These are not trivial.
The way you say “only difference” and “sacredness of sexual intimacy” make the sex seem not intimate or sacred, like she’s your wife because you’re f*#&ing.
Be advised that spiritual history is filled with many married couples. Just because you treat everyone with unconditional love does not mean your wife is not special. The two are not mutually exclusive; you just have to open your mind more.
If you all are compatible then she will want to join your spiritual quest as she sees the positive experience you are having. Somehow make her a part of your spiritual project.
Adamant
Hi Carson,
Is it really? If your wife stopped believing her story… that you should do something, or not do something else, then she would not suffer. So does it really have anything to do with you?
Wanting something, and not being able to get what you want, is suffering. Not wanting something, and having to bear it, is also suffering. So your story is that you want your wife to stop feeling jealous and insecure, and you cannot make that happen and it is all your fault. When you drop the story, that is the point at which love happens and direct communication (communion) can take place. As long as the story is there, then there is contraction around that, and confusion over how to act.
The dissolving of the story into silence, is the dissolving of the boundary between self and other, and this is the flowering of divine love. Then, whatever happens happens, but it happens because it flowers out of love, and dissolves back into love. Movement, but nobody moving. No deliberation, no regret, no blame, nobody to be blamed, just a natural flowing from the heart.
Christi