So…how the all loves me and how I love the all is the same twisted pattern. It’s a chicken or the egg thing, I don’t remember what came first.
So love starts with anger and then a hiding, an alone feeling. I can recognize this as love and receive it, but I’d like to straighten it out. I don’t want to give that out anymore.
I don’t know how to straighten it out. If I start messing around and try to fix stuff, it gets messy.
It seems like my best course is my Ishta and Samyama. I’m sure there are other ways.
thank you for sharing!
Amen, and Hallelujah. 
ah, the “anger… hiding… alone feeling” - longing - sounds an awful lot like “The Devotional Poems of Mirabai,” which in turn echoes “Jayadeva’s Gitagovinda.” Some schools including, I think, ISKCON, say that this state of separation or longing is the ultimate. I disagree, but to each their own.
You said you don’t know how to “straighten it out” or “fix” it. I’m not sure anything needs to be “fixed” but if it does, I totally agree w/ you that the best course is through your Ishta, and I’d hold 'em to it! Hence Radha’s anger at His seeming fickleness. Fortunately this classic story ends w/ perfect Union and ecstasy. 
[quote=“Radharani”]
I’m not sure anything needs to be “fixed” but if it does, I totally agree w/ you that the best course is through your Ishta, and I’d hold 'em to it! Hence Radha’s anger at His seeming fickleness. Fortunately this classic story ends w/ perfect Union and ecstasy.
[/quote]Nice metaphor
Oh Radharani,
I just love you and your advice.
My Ishta is finally sending a small amount of light into my heart( not too much). A little bit and a little bit.
Yes, I’m holding him to it. It’s hard to stay mad at him with the light and all.
Lalow
I love you too.
what a love fest over here!