Thanks, Maheswari.
I do tend to feel badly after confrontation in general and will end up beating myself up, thanks for reminding me that it’s not helpful.
The anger itself was entirely justified, and I feel no guilt about that. What wasn’t OK to me, and what hurt the most and why I posted this, was that I expressed it by blowing up instead of allowing it to be the working energy for something more productive and less hurtful. So, I hurt my friend because they hurt me, but the cycle didn’t need to continue like that. But, like you said, we’re all human so I need to extend myself some understanding that I just wasn’t there yet in that moment.
We apologized to each other yesterday, and we had a long chat unpacking what happened on both sides. I feel better about the event itself, but now have a lot more to sift through. They have their own issues which we discussed, but it turns out that my jealousy of them and not regulating my own emotional boundaries well had caused them to distance themselves from me on purpose over the last few months. This sucks, and the friendship will not be the same even if I address those issues.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had to deal with this much raw humanness all at once: anger, jealousy, guilt, embarrassment, loss of friendship(s), fear, addiction and depression all at the same time. It’s a lot to take in. From a practical side, I have the help I need I think, but I just can’t seem to find the balance needed. As for witnessing…it is difficult, but I do have some decent ability even at this intensity. I didn’t have near this ability a few years ago.
Thankfully, there is one area of my life that is rock solid, and that’s my prayer life. And miraculously, my heart overall seems to be relentlessly pointed in the right direction as well. I just keep honing those two things, praying for whatever is loving and beautiful. I don’t mean that I want those things just for myself, but for me to play a part in helping to bring those things into being for everyone, and that I’d learn to find peace in taking on whatever role is necessary for that to occur. It’s going to be very difficult to be an instrument for this without grounding myself somehow.
Dang, I posted the original just out of remorse, but the original event has unexpectedly reveled so much more going on. A fierce blessing? The universe frustrating me into surrender? Divine love dismantling me to make room for itself? I’m going to go with that, because at least then I might be more open to hold space for what’s happening.
