How to dissolve this tragic story and get along?

21. Yoga and Relationships
1

First of all, sorry for registering and immedeately posting such a long text.
Maybe you could share some insights on the situation.
It took me some time, deciding whether or not to write down this narrative of mine for two reasons: 1- it will be quite a large amount of text with which I don’t want to bother you too much, 2- The feeling of relevance of it continuously switches between ‘very’ and ‘not at all’.
What it comes down to, is that in these days I feel I’m attacked by heavy rushes of regret, loneliness and sadness bundled together and structured in a narrative, a story. I feel that I still believe in the story and can’t get lose from it.
I’m a (almost) 24 year old guy and never had a relationship in my life. There’ve been some occasional dates, but they never turned out into something substantial. About half a year ago, I met some girl in a kind of student environment, which had a very close social ambiance. Because of this, we really got to know each other in a very relaxed way. From the beginning, I noticed having some feeling for her which I actually, more or less unconsciously, neglected/repressed. The concept of a relationship was totally unthinkable for me by that time: Some double bind situation: How could a girl ever like me (due to a deep down low self esteem) + How could I ever like a girl? (Due to only being disappointed in the past when having some dates for instance) #8594; this locked me up, making me think the best possible situation between the two of us would just being good friends.
Time passed and my feelings for her seemed to become more apparent to me, although I didn’t seem to dare to admit them to myself. Nevertheless, at some point, I formulated the thought to a good friend of us both. In the meantime, the feelings for her I talk about, appeared and disappeared continuously. I still don’t understand why. This went on for weeks, until I decided to ask her out. At that specific moment/period, I didn’t have any feelings for her specifically, but I thought: “If I just go for it, maybe things will get clear”.
She agreed happily and we had a very nice evening after which I told her, straight ahead, that I liked her. She replied she had an eye on me too! From the very first week we met eachother.
But since then, I became even more confused! It fluctuated by day, by hour. This moment I longed for her, the next moment I was indifferent… She asked me why I acted so distantly and I explained my confusion. We nevertheless went on dating and had some innocent/petty intimate moments here and there.
We were in a situation (the study period) in which we saw each other everyday and all the other students stuck their nose in our situation. Maybe that was why it couldn’t start off, we thought. So when the semester would be over, we could find out. That was about 3 months ago. Now what happened: A few days after the course ended, she cut it off. Terminated it. She regretted it very much, but since a week or so, her feelings were totally gone.
I was absolutely devastated. Without being ever really infatuated, I was now lovesick big time…!
Since then, at unpredictable moments, I get agonised by very, very strong feelings of sorrow, regret, fear, sadness, frustration, longing etc. A huge amount of memories about the two of us keeps passing by and agonises me. A lay awake at night thinking about being alone, having missed a very rare opportunity, ‘her with another guy’ (which is in fact the case. Although a kind of friends with benefits guy, she doesn’t really like) etc. “Why did I make it such a complicated situation?! If I’d just did this, said that, went there etc.” (I know this is a typical mind thing.)
What also has to be said is that the point of never having had sex is pressing more and more on me. I believed that girl would’ve been the one and now the stone in my chest is even heavier.
I feel totally lost right now. Being too much of a romantic to engage in those mundane dating apps like Tinder and Happn, I wait/seek for ‘encounters’ that don’t come.
At the same time I take into consideration:

  • I am just heavily involved in a story about myself and relationship
  • The longing I feel is actually a longing to my own love
  • Desiring something, actually manifests the experience of desiring itself
  • A intimate/romantic relationship can’t give final fulfilment, but do I really have to become enlightened first to be allowed (yes, it feels like something is withhold from me) experiencing intimacy?
    I’m watching a lot of non-duality video’s (Spira, Mooji, Adyashanti, Foster), and they seem to offer some soothing. At the same time I realise watching those clips may just be a painkiller. I really want to do something. Meet people etc. I do have a modest social life, but those situations don’t seem to occur.
    What does life try to show me? What is my lesson?
    I believe that if I just go along not seeking, and leave this situation as it is, nothing will happen because I have done that for the past 6 years anyway!
2

Hi antaflu-eucalyptus,
First of all, welcome to these AYP forums. Sorry to hear about your difficulties in relationship.
Question, do you have a yoga or meditation practice?

Watching non-dualityteachers and don’t have a steady daily practice or watching them to soon could be a pitfall. What happens is, as long as the teacher talkes we can resonate but the teachings have no ground to establish.
Let us know if and what your practice is, so that we can help you with advice…
I don’t mean this harsh but your mind seems to be filled with many thoughts and opinions and this will cost you much energy.
We will wait for your answer. :slight_smile:
If you might be interested in Advanced Yoga Practice (AYP) you can start reading here http://www.aypsite.org/10.html

3

Hi antaflu-eucalyptus, welcome!
First, I completely agree with Charliedog. A meditation practice would take you a lot further than listening to non-duality talk. Those teachers speak from a place that untrained minds only have glimpses of. Best to get at their level yourself, by sticking to a practice of your own, and then you can listen and say “I know you’re right, I am in that place too”.
With regards to relationships, I can relate to what you’re saying. Going back to a time when I was your age, it seems to me that having had a taste for spirituality put a desire in me that was sort of competing with my interest in boyfriends. I remember ‘sitting on the fence’ too. I don’t find your story at all surprising. Nor do I find it tragic. It is a part of your searching for and finding yourself (or should I say your Self?)
I think it’s good to follow your interest in spirituality through, find out what it is spirituality can give you. Then you will come to a point of clarity as to how yoga and relationships sit together. The thing is not to expect from one what you can only get from the other and vice-versa. And you will only know what to expect from yoga by doing it.
I shouldn’t worry about writing long posts on this forum. You will find a warm community here, who welcomes everyone coming with genuine questions and an interest in yoga.
All the best to you :pray:

4

Thanks for your quick reply.
I actually don’t practice any yoga. Only since you mentioned it, I realise the relevance of the forum name… :astonished:
The reason why I whatch those video’s is because I got the strong feeling they point to the truth. I believe to had some experiences in which I experienced ‘conceptless-ness’, peace, love, space. From when I was about 15 on, I’m in periods concerned with spirituality. I read the books of Neale Donald Walsch and Eckhart Tolle. I experienced so much recognition.
However, I don’t feel much like going for it totally I think. I’m very philosophically and intellectually oriënted (I really get a lot of energy and joy from philosophizing ). At the same time studying in university. The world of spirituality and the one of the intellect seem to be so contradictory. Maybe that’s the reason for why I’m just sticking to peiodically reading and whatching about it. Furthermore: Whát practice to begin with…?
And about relationships: I actually don’t think my interest in spirituality is competing with my interest in women. It’s more that I never seem to find one who I’m able to genuinly connect with. Someone who can keep track of my ideas and energy. So far I only met girls who are at most in some way impressed by it, except for ‘this girl’ with who I really seemed to be on the same level… And in that case it remains a painful mystery why my feelings for her fluctuated so strangely back then.
While writing this, I feel such deep sorrow, regret, loneliness… <– sorry for the complaining!
P.s.: Well, I think the situation is tragic, since it happened to lay there before me al the time (me not knowing). At the very moment I felt I was ready for it, then she lost interest.

5

Welcome Antaflu-
A dedicated meditation practice will train you to observe your various streaming thoughts and how they could overwhelm, confuse, sabotage, distract, trick, and/or entertain you. A dedicated meditation practice will eventually make you realize that you are not these thoughts. A dedicated meditation practice allows you to inquire of the Divine and receive answers in return. A dedicated meditation practice teaches you to surrender the shackles of your mind games. A dedicated mediation practice opens your heart to opportunity, and as your inner peace radiates out, draws others to this warm glow of your being.
Where to start? I suggest a dedicated meditation practice. http://www.aypsite.org/10.html

6

Getting your mind a bit more disciplined doesn’t mean you’d lose the joy in philosophizing. If you’ve read Eckhart Tolle, you may remember he talks about finding the mind’s ‘off button’. What he probably doesn’t say explicitly is that when you’ve found the on/off button, the ‘on’ quality goes up dramatically. Look at him - he wrote a book after he found the on/off button. Anyway, you got to be ready for this spirituality thing and it sounds like you’re not there yet.

[quote=“antaflu-eucalyptus”]
At the very moment I felt I was ready for it, then she lost interest.
[/quote]You know what? I think the million dollar question is this: If she were with you today, would you still think you were “ready for it”? Is it at all possible that your “I’m ready” certainty springs from the fact that whatever made you keep away from the relationship in the days when it was a real possibility, is now safely in the past?
Let me push you even a little further. What stops you trying to get her back now? The woman left because you were not ready to offer her unreserved affection, yes? What have you done to prove to her that you can? The fact that you said “I am ready” once? You must realise how feeble that is. I understand she’s still in reach geographically, right? Surely there is something you can do to show her you have real affection to offer. I’m not suggesting stalking her. Find out what it is that you can do for her that she will value. If you’re so clever, apply your cleverness to this challenge.
I’ll tell you a story. When I was a student myself, I went out on a couple of dates with a philosophy student. He was very dedicated to his studies, and it was obvious that the time he was prepared to invest in a relationship was very limited. The summer holiday came and he didn’t take the trouble to find out how he could get in touch once I left the college. So 3 months passed without any communication whatever. I concluded the guy was not really interested, so by the time I went back to uni I was seeing someone else. Then I bumped into my philosopher and - believe it or not - he thought we were still on. So I told him that, since he spent 3 months without missing me, he would probably find it easy to spend the next 3 years not missing me, and why not the next 30 years? He insisted that he was prepared to do whatever it took, that I should create a schedule for him and he would invest all the time I specified. I said that would do absolutely nothing - if it didn’t come from him spontaneously it would be worthless, plus I had just started seeing someone else. Every time I met him accidentally after that (quite often in fact) he would just look resentful and would not even speak to me. All he would have had to do was to get over the first rejection and try again (my other attempt at a relationship didn’t go very far either). As it was, his resentfulness made me think I had made the right decision not to get involved with him. All the philosophy he’d learnt didn’t help the fact that his emotional intelligence had some way to go. (The good news is that this form of intelligence keeps developing till we’re about 50, so there is hope for everyone. :slight_smile: )
You might be thinking the similarities with your story are not great. What I’m trying to say is this: the world of emotions is very different from the yes/no cut-and-dry conclusion of a syllogism.
Good luck! I hope you’ll find a way out of the tragic situation. Just remember that “you cannot solve a problem using the same reasoning that created the problem” (I guess this is the reason why other people here keep urging you to meditate)

7

Thanks for you reply. It is however very clear that it’s really over. We actually talked quite clearly and open about it, multiple times. We even met later on and I did express my affection once again that day, but she really didn’t had any romantic feelings anymore so to say. We did have a nice afternoon though, but after some days the absence of intimacy with her and instead a friend-like going along, started gnawing again.
So some weeks ago I turned down her offer to seeing each other again (as friends) because I foresaw that it would hurt too much. She replied understanding.
About the emotional aspect: She has a very independent and strong character and isn’t so emotional either.
Meditation practice, well, I do go to a kind of gathering once a week in which we go with guided meditations. We share experiences and learn how to connect to our feelings and intuition.But this may not be the type of discipline you mean. I did read the information from the links you suggested, but I was overwhelmed by the amount of choice and books. Don’t know where to begin or what to choose. In addition to that, my study is also quite demanding at the moment.
Nevertheless, I’m very grateful for all your responses and thinking along.

8

Hi antaflu- eucalytus,
Well you already made a start with your guided meditations. If you would like to start with daily meditation it could be as simple as this:
Just sit with your spine erect, set a timer for ten minutes. Bring the attention inwards and observe the breath, feel the breath, don’t influence, just observe.
Start with one time a day in the morning before the daily schedule starts. Do this 40 days in a row, mark your calendar. See how you feel after this challenge, notice the difference in daily life.
If you noticed the difference in daily life you can always come back here and start with one AYP lesson a time :slight_smile:
Best wishes on your journey

9

anta flu you are beautiful and someone will love you for it, take your time love yourself for being that fragment of the divine blessings . :heart:

10

:heart: I second Kumar :heart:

11

Thank you very much for those affectionate posts. :slight_smile:
I started meditating in the mornings. Just for 10 minutes, but bringing my attention in a loving and curious way to the sense of my existence. Not trying to reach anything. I decided to see those moments as opportunities for ‘paying’ attention to my awareness/existence/being here.

12

:heart: :slight_smile:
Every morning
when we wake up
we have twenty-four
brand new hours to live
What a precious gift
~Thich Nhat Hanh~

13

HI antaflu-eucalyptus
It’s wonderful you’ve set aside some time for daily meditation.
It might be useful for you to know at this stage that the practice of meditation has two ingredients: concentration and insight. I have heard quite a few experienced meditators, both buddhists and yogis, making a strong argument for developing concentration first. That means your first practice, as a beginner, should be some form of meditation with an object. The breath, or a mantra are objects commonly used.
I’m saying this because it seems to me you have started from the insight end.
It’s good to follow your own instincts in your meditation practice, not be a slave to one school or teaching. It’s even better to balance that independence with solid knowledge from people who have walked that path before you. Inventing the wheel could be a costly affair. You might find yourself years down the line not having gained much from the discipline of your 10 minutes daily practice.
Good luck!

14

I’ve been doing it every morning since may 2nd, but indeed, I’m not sure “if I’m doing it right”. Sitting in an upright chair, timer at 10 minutes, focussing on my breath. Trivial thoughts bombard me. I know it is actually just about not being involved with them and letting them be, but still…
Isn’t focussing on my breath also a kind of thought. Shall I count them, visualise them, listen to the depth of the sound?

15

Just feel the breath leaving and entering your nose. If thoughts come, go back to feeling your breath, again and again, again, and again.

16

I recommend reading the AYP lessons on meditation. They will answer many of your questions.