Now this was in respect to criminals. However, it can be applied to our daily lives too right. When we hold a grudge against someone, we need to forgive them in order to get that knot out of our system. How do we do this? How do we forgive somebody who has hurt us? Pretending it never happened may work for a short time, but is hard to do when it is someone you cannot dismiss from your life. This knot does not go away. I have tried to let it go… and out of sight is out of mind. However when they are near me, all that hurt comes pouring out. How do you learn to forgive?
Well, feeling all that hurt is a start. You have to completely go through all the pain and feel it for what it is. But after that point, you decide to let it go.
You have to come to the point where you realize that we all make mistakes, sometimes really bad ones, and while some mistakes may seem inexcusable, that doesn’t mean that we can’t move on and treat that person as a human being.
I have a friend who hurt me very bady at one time emotionally. At first I wanted revenge, then I decided we could be friends but I wouldn’t ever trust her for anything, then later I decided there was only a small area where I wouldn’t trust her.
Now I hardly ever think of it, and we’re the best of friends.
So make sure you have felt the pain without repressing it, and make sure you have let them know how they made you feel.
Then you have to decide to let it go, and not bring it up again.
It takes time. They did what they did for a reason, and probably didn’t want to hurt you.
You don’t ever have to forget what they did, only forgive.
A component in learning to forgive is learning to let go of self-righteousness. It’s seductive and delicious to be a victim; it somehow makes us look good, or so we think. So we run around telling our friends about the offense, gathering self-esteem as we go. In the end, tho, it only runs us down. It’s important to let go of the story of the offense, and not allow yourself to repeat it over and over. In doing so you begin to lose it. True forgiveness? I think it’s an act of grace that’s bestowed upon the victim rather than the perpetrator.
Jim how do you do that?
Meg, I would like to do that. But every time I see them or talk to them, all of the things that happened just come flooding back. More so, because they do not believe they have done anything wrong. Even today their lies don’t end, but they believe in every word they say, they don’t think they are lying…
Maybe it was not a good topic to start, esp. since I cannot say too much openly.
You have to talk to them about the subject and let them know how you feel.
You may not stop them from lying, and you may not convince them they did anything wrong. but you have to let them know how it made you feel. it doesn’t have to be logical.
I would be too scared to pick up the topic. They get emotional and make you feel guilty and make you feel like you did something wrong and that you are the one lying… their view would be ‘how could you even say something like that to us’. They would soon get a whole bunch of the family involved… and things would go out of hand… Then this will continue till I say sorry for even thinking that way. I have tried, but failed, just come off feeling really small. I would just like to forgive them for their behavior, accept that is what they are and get on with my life. But I need to know how to do this? Any ideas?
Shanti - The key is that you want to forgive them, but it seems to you that there are too many obstacles which prevent it from happening, all of which, you seem to indicate, are generated from them. But in reading your post, it seems that the obstacles are really coming from you. There are as many approaches to forgiveness as there are to depression (another post), and each situation is unique. You might try Jim’s suggestion to forgive on a whim, although that sounds to me a bit . . . well, whimsical. Maybe it works in some cases. I’m sure that there are people who have offended you in the past who you forgave without any issue. What was the difference between that situation and the current one?
I don’t claim to have answers to the forgiveness thing, but have had some experience with it (haven’t we all!) The grudges that we can’t let go of are almost universally those in which the offenders admit no guilt, and accept no responsibility for their actions. It’s extremely difficult to let go of a grudge when there has been no acknowledgement from the other party that they’ve behaved badly. That’s when you have to see forgiveness as an act of inner strength on your part, which has absolutely nothing to do with them. They apparently think that they have nothing to apologize for, and aren’t about to give an inch in your direction. This is not your problem! Don’t make it your problem. This is something that they have to deal with, and all you need to do is see that it has nothing to do with you. It’s possible that you’re taking this far too personally. It’s difficult to get around this wall, but once you do, it may set you free. For me, my ego was insanely involved and got way out of control, until I finally saw that it had nothing to do with me. Could this be the case with you?
When I finally saw all of this clearly, I did a ritual by myself to forgive and forget (accompanied by a lot of prayer), and I forgave the person after many years of holding a grudge, and within 2 weeks the person called and apologized. It was a confirmation that it was about me finding that place of forgiveness within myself first and foremost, and not about waiting for their apology before I could magnanimously forgive them.
I hope this has been helpful.
Respectfully,
meg
Hi Shanti,
I agree with Meg and would suggest handling things from your end as there is little you can do about how others act or react. To me the first step is to realize that they can’t hurt you unless you let them. They can say whatever they like but you are the one who chooses your reaction to their words. You can choose to see their words for expressions of their pain and suffering or you can be afraid that they might be right. One will help you forgive them the other will escalate your pain and the negative dynamic they are propagating.
If you are able to explore in your heart why they might actually be behaving the way they do and to recognize that they are likely acting out of pain, fear and ignorance, it makes it easier to have compassion for their situation. Once you feel compassion, forgiveness is an easy second step.
Ask yourself if deep down under their words that they might be desperately afraid that you might be right or that they might be wrong. Are they so unhappy and think so little of themselves that they can’t possibly admit being inadequate or afraid? Find compassion for their suffering and know in your heart how you feel about the situation. You don’t have to believe their words, just because someone says it is so doesn’t mean it is "your truth or “the truth”.
One last possibility, life often puts us into situations or surrounds us with people who are likely to teach us life lessons, so thank them for bringing this to you as it is your gift and opportunity from life to learn and grow.
good luck!
You are making a choice to be in “victim consciousness”. You can choose not to be a victim in this.
You can see the way it is upsetting and destroying your harmony and it is your choice to do this to yourself.
You can choose not to be a victim right now - on a whim. The feelings will still be there but it is different, you can rise out of the feeling and be strong. The feelings can then be processed through meditation or whatever means you use.
Anthem said: If you are able to explore in your heart why they might actually be behaving the way they do and to recognize that they are likely acting out of pain, fear and ignorance, it makes it easier to have compassion for their situation. Once you feel compassion, forgiveness is an easy second step.
Once you have decided not to be the victim then applying the above and the other great advice here can be done from a stable place in yourself, and I agree compassion is the root of forgiveness.
Louis
Thank you all. I think I understand what all of you are trying to say, if I don’t want to be hurt, then they cannot hurt me. I like what you said Anthem, they behave the way they do because of their own insecurities… I should not let them bring me down. For the last 3 years, since I have been doing meditation, and esp. the last one year when I have been doing AYP, I have found it very easy to let things go. When people hurt me, it does not really stick, and when things don’t go my way, I don’t let it affect me as it did before. I may still get hurt, but it does not take over my world, I can let it go. This is one thing that I have not been able to let go… It is what I guess we call a “vasana” and if I don’t overcome it in this life time, it will be one of the knots that will have to be cleaned up in my next life time.
Anthem said
In the post “Samadhi in the Produce Aisle” Meg had said…
I think you are right. This is a lesson I have to learn. When ever I have decided I will not let them bother me, I tend to ignore them, or talk to them curtly. But that is not me. That gets me more upset than happy. So I guess I have to learn to love them, and yet not let them annoy me.
Another thing to keep in mind Shanti is that forgiveness isn’t everything.
It’s important, but not everything. Relationship management needs to be worked on from several different angles. It sounds to me as if you are dealing with someone who is difficult. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself and a big one to give yourself, but relationship management does not end there.
There may be many other approaches you need to take to adapt to handling this person.
-D
Forgiveness is a release. A subtraction. A washing away. That’s what we yoga practitioners are doing every day; stripping down and letting go, with a full heart and no prevarication. We’re aiming to let go of everything.
We are like the giants in gulliver’s travels, tied to the ground by a trillion tiny knots (all of which we’ve tied ourselves, though we think the world tied them). Don’t agonize, just rip them loose.
The reason you can’t forgive someone is because something they did hurt you, and you think they are wrong for doing it, and you want them to recognize what they did to show they have some intention of loving you.
So if you can’t talk with them about it so you can let them know how you feel, then the only other option is you have to transcend your judgement of them being wrong in the first place. This is very hard to do, and it is not the best solution because it doesn’t bring you closer to people in general.
It’s like the guy in the cave meditating and trying to be closer to God.
He can get there, but doesn’t do much for the rest of humanity.
It’s like a person who’s entire family is drowning, and he saves himself.
He could argue that he couldn’t save anyone else, but the question remains if he could have tried harder.
So if you change your perception so you can forget about this thing the other person did, you make yourself feel better, but you do nothing for the relationship between you and them, and you do nothing to improve relations between yourself and others in the future.
So you can take the easy way out, but you will notice that this type of situation will come up again. . .
I"m stubborn. I’m not going to give up. Shanti, can you forgive this simply for the heck of it? What if you grin, shrug your shoulders, and just, on a whim, choose to embrace and accept the portion of the universe inhabited by this person? As if this deep hurt and long history were just absolutely trivial? Can you at least try? Don’t make a big dramatic moment. Just fill out the little gaps of things in the world you’ve chosen not to embrace and accept. Let it be like inflating a dented tin can, hearing it go “pop! pop! pop!” as all the dents push back out again!
Did you see Terry Gilliam’s ‘Baron von Munchausen’?
The Baron abandoned a friend and left him to languish in prison for years. You should have a look at the scene where the Baron asks the friend to forgive him.
What more or less happens is the enraged friend says ‘You expect me to forgive you for doing such a terrible thing to me?’
The baron says ‘Yes’.
The friend thinks for a second then shrugs and says ‘Oh all roight’ and the friendship is instantly back where it was, with laughing and joking and they go on their merry way.
