What role do children play on the spiritual path?
For most of my adult life, it was almost a foregone conclusion that I would have children at some point. I think in a lot of ways, it’s somewhat culturally programmed into us that having children is one of the obvious and somewhat non-negotiable milestones in life. As time goes on, more and more adults choose to forgo having children. But even still, it feels like a fairly scary and risky proposition, to intentionally choose to be childfree.
I would love to hear from some of the other yogis on this forum regarding how they feel children fit into the spiritual path.
Whenever I try to decide whether or not to have children, at least as it relates to the spiritual path, I see two sides of the coin.
In one way of looking at it, children can be seen as the ultimate form of karma yoga. The ultimate expansion of purpose beyond oneself. I imagine in many ways they are quite grounding. And in some ways, young children are the most spiritually advanced humans out of all of us. There are countless examples of very successful people in every field, including yoga, who have chosen to have a family. In fact, the two people I look up to most in the AYP community, yogani and christi, both chose to have children. So based on just that small sample size, clearly it’s possible to have children and walk the path very far.
On the other side of the coin, children clearly take an enormous amount of time, energy and focus. Precious resources which could otherwise be put towards spiritual practices. I think perhaps the most compelling case to be made against having children as it relates to the spiritual path is, in most traditions, holy men and women generally did not have families. It seems to span most traditions. Whether you look at buddhist monks, yogic swamis, or christian priests. In most cases, to be considered a true devotee of the path, celibacy (at least as it relates to having a family) is often a prerequisite. In the yoga lineage, the idea of being a householder as well as a spiritualist is a somewhat novel concept introduced by the kriya yogis, and by AYP. While it can clearly be done, does that mean it’s the optimal choice if your true north star is the spiritual path?
As I continue practicing AYP, I can feel the grip of “I, Me, Mine” somewhat loosening. At the moment, it is having a bit of a strange effect on my relationship with the idea of children. I am now seeing that one of the main reasons I’ve always wanted a child is because I wanted it to be MY child. I wanted it to be an extension of my own self. I wanted a piece of me to live on beyond me. But as I walk the path, and I slowly come to see that the concept of “I, Me, Mine” as maya, I no longer feel a strong compulsion for the child to be “mine” so to speak. For example, the idea of volunteering my time at an orphanage, or playing a positive role in the life of a niece or nephew, are growing to be equally as appealing as having my own child, because I am not so attached to the idea of needing to have a human to call my own.
Let’s say we had a spiritual practitioner named John. Truly, the only thing he cares about in life is walking as far as he can along the spiritual path. His desire for wealth, worldly experiences, hobbies etc all pale in comparison to his desire for enlightenment. Would you recommend to John that he should have a family, or not? John has read Yogani’s writings, that the main driving factor of enlightenment are spiritual practices. So he wants to reserve as much time and energy as possible for spiritual practices such as pranayama and meditation. But when looked at through a particular lens, one could argue that having children is in and of itself a type of spiritual practice. Though we don’t often think of it in these terms. So, John feels a bit unsure of what the right decision is.
In a conversation I had with christi, he once told me that for many years when his children were young, the only time he had to perform his spiritual practices was immediately before he went to bed because he was so strapped for time. Clearly his spiritual path unfolded beautifully regardless. But sometimes I doubt I have the strength or past life practice to support walking the spiritual path in this life with those added difficulties. Sometimes I feel I need all the help I can get, and it seems like having children would really crank up the difficulty level of the spiritual path a couple notches.
Sometimes I think it’s useful to think in terms of bets. Let’s say the universe splits into two. In one universe, John has kids. In another, he doesn’t. You’ve got to place a $100 wager on which John will make more progress along the spiritual path before he dies.
Which John do you put your money on?
