Recently, some challenges have cropped up in my life - incurable and progressive disease in a beloved family member that unmasks dysfunctional family dynamics and most importantly, my own response to it all.
As my life got caught up in the whirlwind, I was equally caught up in “giving it all up” to my Ishta. But the more I tried “giving”, the more frustration I found welling up in my sheer inability to do so. So, a few days ago, I stopped the mental/emotional effort and began to allow my restlessness and pain to unfold. Yesterday during evening puja, my intention shifted - instead of trying to give, there was a plea for my Ishta to take, for me to receive and for willingness to be shaped as needed. And this morning, I woke up with a significant reduction in restlessness, not knowing what had changed. On my very long drive into work, I played one of my favorite chants, the Sri Suktham, a Vedic hymn to Shakti in the form of Lakshmi. My whole being racked in sobs as the chant began, bursting the dam that had held so much in - much needed release as I felt nurtured and comforted by the mother of beauty and abundance.
And with the release, a revelation - to think “I” give or surrender to the Divine is just more ego nonsense. In any transaction, the giver is inherently at a slightly higher place (from a transactional standpoint). And so it is that with surrendering or “giving” my problems to God, I unconsciously place myself at a higher place. Grace flows in a downward direction - hence, there is little scope for Grace when I place myself higher. The thought of “I am giving” serves to makes me more tightly bound to the separate self. On the other hand, if all I do is ask for my Ishta to take it/me, the onus is on Him/Her - it is no longer “my” action or intent or thought.
If all is Him, including my problems, it is His to take, not mine to give - thus, there is no discordance and no subconscious conflict (which, in my experience, only serves to compound all purification processes). One thing that practices have done for me is sensitization to internal conflict/discordance - it is just not allowed. Intent, thought, action - all must be perfectly aligned. Not aligning causes significant vata/pitta imbalance that is noticeable in body and mind.
As the tears flowed, I saw how this is the perfect opportunity for me to serve my family in this hour of need - for years, my daily prayer has been for the Lord to make me His instrument of service. And when He did, this little ego self could not see it!
When humility does not happen on its own, a powerful blow is needed, as I discovered first hand.
Kami,
I am so sorry for the difficulties that you are going through right now. 
Thank you so very much for this hard earned wisdom.
Much love,
Tom
Hi kami
Sorry to hear about your family member being ill.
Strangely, I have being going through a not dis-similar process with Ishta.
Although, thankfully there is no one ill at the moment I became aware of myself being aloof from family members in terms of caring for them in simple ways. Being honest about it, a family member also pointed this out to me too.
Just where I am at in investigating “unknowing” in relation to Ishta and also in work I am doing with inner shame, it came home to me at a new level about how holding an Ishta “above me” and relating to them like this as a superior being or presence, is the same as me being aloof or superior to those around me - who don’t have this in their lives. This may not appear logical but it is the effect it has on me.
In resting more with “not knowing” and seeing my Ishta as being the same as me, not above or below, I came to the understanding of what appeared like a sangha with the members being that of my family and friends and equally my Ishtas and other beings and presences in whatever form they may be.
Of course it all makes sense when we talk of oneness and non self, but for me, this was just dropping into a deeper embodiment of it that allowed me to, not only be with family and friends but feel drawn to being with them and supporting them in whatever way they want, and that is new for me.
Maybe it’s not quite the same but it seems to be along the same lines.
Hope it’s ok to share here
…Praying for you during these rocky times and admiring your movement towards service, even amidst the struggle…
I ask for divine help all the time, even when things are mostly alright. Actually, I demand it, vigorously. Using the ego as a vehicle for enlightenment, you know. So, I think your asking for help is a true sign of humility–not ego delusion, in my opinion. Your receptivity and openness are being rewarded.
We’re all works in progress.
Hi Kami,
I am also praying for the best. Thank you for sharing this. I had similar reflections last night during prayer. I told Him I wanted to give Him something special: nothing expensive or big, just what I need. I will take from Him what I need, and give it to myself. This is the most precious offering I can muster for Him. After all, its what He wants most for me. Whether its giving or taking is semantic: I rejoice in the chance to try, whether the bounds of my existence and consciousness are real or not. We all have this chance!
Thank you dear friends. Appreciate the love and support.
Sparkle - thank you for sharing. Makes total sense and what you are describing has the same feel as what I’m trying to describe. Elaborating this a bit, if that’s ok - I don’t see my Ishta as being separate from me, but as the perfected Self, my Self. That Self takes on many forms - Krishna, Lakshmi, Kali, Jesus, Babaji… But they are never “out there”… It is the most intimate thing there is. And thus, the Grace of that perfected Self can only flow “lower” to this being that gets identified as an ego self… Also, I think I know what you are describing wrt not feeling connected to people around me - it presents itself as the lack of intimacy of experience, where I become an island. And this can be even in expanded states, where there is an intuitive connection with everyone but no emotional “oneness”… Time to pull out Insight Dialogue again…
Anima - thank you for the kindness. What I was describing is more than semantics. It has everything to do with the attitudes of surrender and “meekness”…
Jonesboy and Bodhi -
Love and strength to you and your family.
Thank you for sharing Kami. Best wishes to you and fam.
Wishing you the very best for yourself and family, and that the situation no matter how far beyond the ability to change can still reveal the best of outcomes.
Grateful to you for sharing such wonderful inner milestones about give versus take, and that the lessons of humility and true identity as an instrument of the Divine/Great Spirit/Source or however we choose to relate are ever only revealing themselves. If need be, they do so forcefully and perhaps equally in proportion to the efforts in upholding the false as real, of self apart from That.
My family is also enduring difficulties, be it in the ongoing effects of death shadowed in most dire of circumstances, or separation when the call has always been to healing and unity. Anger and pain come up, and I offer them up as Giving. In the resulting space, it is growing self-appreciation for my personal course in flowing with the Way. Coming upon yoga, the multiplicity of paths to healing and union, and shared presence and resonance of those here is a gift that is both worth the sacrifice of time, and completely necessary in a personal sphere. It has no comparison, and cannot be artificially compressed or transposed, making it personal, unique, and worth every effort.
Thank you whippoorwill, TTN and Aum.
“Healing and unity” - those words have an immediate effect of stilling the being in peace. Thank you Aum, and blessings and wishes for you and your family as well.
Just the mere “attitude adjustment” has resulted in restoring the sense of lightness and joyfulness that had become my baseline prior to all this. The burden that had been taken on is off my shoulders. How incredible it is that such lessons are so deeply personal! Give vs. take may not make a difference to someone else, but for my specific matrix of conditioning and bent of mind, “giving” is also seen as an egoic act and hence results in further imbalance. Exactly as you said, Aum - it is personal and unique.
The sense of contraction that comes on when normally joyful and open is like being strangled, like the inability to take a deep breath. How wondrous that our beings respond in such magnificent ways to disciplined practice and Ishwara Pranidhana, one of Patanjali’s keys to success in yoga! By surrendering even the intent to “give”, the contraction of ego-identification loses its grip. Anger and pain arise, but there isn’t such a tight hold on “me”.
As life and my inner self unfold simultaneously, sometimes in seemingly opposing directions, I’m coming to see that of all things on the spiritual path, bhakti is the most practitioner-specific - unlike meditative practices, it cannot be taught or learned from another; it is Grace-specific. It takes Grace to experience Grace, to even become willing and malleable to feel it.
One of the biggest areas for discordance is faith or shraddha. We may think our faith is strong; but as long as there is even the slightest worry or anxiety, we can be sure that our faith is shaky. True shraddha is being in the eye of a storm with complete trust in the Self… Thus, phases of contraction, for me, speak of the need for greater shraddha - to give up “giving”, the need to control the “giving” or anything else (challenging for someone who likes being in control 
).
Some fine words from the beloved Parahamsa Yogananda:
Every begging prayer, no matter how sincere, limits the soul. As sons [and daughters*] of God, we must believe that we have everything the Father has. This is our birthright. Jesus realized the truth, “I and my Father are one.” That is why he had dominion over everything, even as his Father had. Most of us beg and pray without first establishing, in our own minds, our divine birthright; that is why we are limited by the law of beggary. We do not have to beg, but to reclaim and demand from our Father that which we, through our human imagination, thought to be lost.
*added by Bodhi Tree
Boom! Demand, reclaim, become it! 
Yes, yes! A touching and true sentiment
Thanks kami, yes I feel that inner intimacy with the divine or my Ishtas which can be experienced also with people and objects, rocks, earth, trees and everything, and yet on the emotional level of connecting with people there can often be a challenge.
It can be tempting to stay in the other sphere of divine other-worldliness and look on with a wry kind of amusement at the game in play, but that’s not it - the simple genuine connection with people and the environment is a more elusive connection for me, with (using your phrase from another post) my specific matrix of conditioning and bent of mind.
That’s why for me I like the image of the sangha because it brings together the inner divine and the actual simple connection with people in a way that does not elevate or lower either. So there is no perfect Self here to compare with, there is just what is going on in the moment.
I have to say too that this is not there all the time, I’m in and out and up and down and all around the place a lot of the time
That’s why it’s so important for me to keep up my daily practices.
Dear Kami,
I haven’t had time to be on here for a while, just saw this post.
Thanks for sharing your experience with us.
God bless you and your family. LOVE to you!
Kami
Thanks for sharing. I wish and pray for your family member to feel peace. On the other day i was listening to the “Healing with consiousness” talk and it immediately showed me how the surrender makes any thing possible and shifts from ego to self.
We hope and pray for speedy recovery of your family.
PKJ
Giving…Taking…and receiving…
Taking has an egoistic connotation…receiving, on the other hand, should be done as gracefully as giving.
Much love to you and your family dear Kami
Thank you all.
Working with some deep stuff has brought to light many different things, with growing insights into the process and mechanism of letting go, and letting the Ishta “take” it. It is an ongoing work in progress and for all practical purposes, it feels like the work has just begun… Chronicling as it comes up…
In the process of letting go or surrendering, the first step is to become aware that there is holding. And this takes courage. Painful issues become repressed for a very good reason - because they are indeed painful. In a situation like this (and from my own personal experience), the arising of non-dual awareness or opening can happen briefly. If, when it passes, the thought that “awakening has happened and there is nothing/nobody here anymore” is falsely believed, the repressed issues will continue to recur, whether one acknowledges it or not. Thus, courage and letting go of any high ideas/thoughts about my “attainment” were necessary for me.
As the inquiry deepens, the core issue is seen. In many instances, it’s not that the core issue was not seen before, but all the associated issues were not surrendered along with it. Thus, we may try to give up, say the feeling of being wronged, but what blocks the giving up is that we like being the victim. Why? Because there is someone else to shift blame on. The attachment to that nonserving issue is enough to keep it in place. Thus, the inquiry needs to look at why we like being the victim. Inquire deeper and we uncover the fact that inadequacy within is the issue, not anything to do with anyone else. Thus, there is no longer someone else to blame. The issue has always been me. It hardly matters what circumstances led to such a fallacy in belief. Ultimately, it is about owning the issue. Without taking complete responsibility, nothing can be let go of.
Thus, “giving” my sense of inadequacy to my Ishta is pointless unless I am also willing to give up my liking of feeling inadequate. But I can’t even see that I like it unless I’m willing to give up any resistance to seeing, with false beliefs such as “there is nothing and nobody to suffer” when clearly that is not being lived.
So, what is the mechanism of letting go? Aside from humble asking to be shown and willingness to see all the “un-holy” parts of ourselves, it is deceptively simple. It is to remain with the felt sense of the issue. Not labeling it and ignoring all thoughts about it. And surrendering to that felt sense of pain, guilt, shame, anger, whatever. Not trying to shift it or give it to someone else, but allowing it to blossom fully. As this happens, over a few minutes, the sensation shifts and changes. Staying with it for longer takes away the energy of it and it dissolves. Depending on how deep-rooted it is and how attached we are to it, it goes away permanently or comes up again to be subjected to the same process (with decreased intensity).
It is when we are completely willing to let go of limitations along with all the associated perks, that the giving on our part or taking on the Ishta’s part is complete. Can’t ask the Ishta to take the limitation but leave the perks behind
Oh lord Kami!
Reading through each of your post’s sentences I felt like a obstinate child after a caniption fit being dragged by his mother from a department store by his arm kicking and screaming.
Really a wake up call. Thank you|! 
Thank you for reading dear Bill. I’m not totally averse to dragging the obstinate child in me into the light.