Flip-flopping

[selfpaste (Adrian)]

Hi all,

I would like to share something that I’ve been experiencing for the past two years, since I started getting deeper into spiritual practice and Kundalini. I am not sure if this is one of the typical challenges encountered on the path, other whether this is Karma that is specific to me.

Ever since two years ago, there have been specific periods of my life, where I had a certain dissatisfaction in certain places I was living in, and I wanted to move to get away from it and get a new go at things. Often it was a sense of taking responsibility and also of surrender that brought these new phases into my life.

At the same time, I’m concerned that these changes are not exactly promoting stability in my life and I have observed a somewhat strange phenomenon. I am faced with a choice which I would then have to take responsibility for - but I find myself unable to do that. Initially my mind has a wish, which may lead to me acting in order for a change to happen (e.g. look for a new apartment or room) and after a while things start naturally materializing. I might tell people I’m going to do this and that and move (choices I should own up to..) but then the flow of things changes and I start encountering problems and unpleasant emotions related to the energy of these new places.

This is when I eventually find myself unable to own up to my choice and I start having doubts. Often my mind is erratic and there is a lot of energy flowing, prayer and possibly small siddhis manifesting. My mind starts thinking the opposite of what it thought before and at some point I don’t really know anymore.

I find that I become quite unreliable and unable to plan things, which is often necessary to organize anything. At times I genuinely don’t know what I want and I think it’s making it hard for other people to deal with it (landlords, roommates, parents,..).

How can I improve at this? Is surrender inherently tied to this unpredictability? There is this idea of the wandering yogi in my mind that takes things as they come and lets them unfold naturally, moving when the time comes - but this romantic idea is no joke. It could mean having to deal with tremendous challenges, like financial hardship, frequent moving and other seriously challenging things that most people stay well away from.

Should we revise and adapt this idea of the wandering yogi that surrenders to anything? After all, things like moving and working always take some amount of rigid planning and I know through past experience that if I try to power through things with prayer and intensity I might end up making a mess of things. I need a more mature approach. Stable and grounded, but at the same time, absolutely committed to surrendering to what is.

Thank you for reading, I’m happy to hear from anyone sharing some of these experiences!

Best,

Adrian

[Drystone (Tom)]

Hi Adrian,

Personally, when I have made a hash of things, the universe seems to give another chance.

For example, when a work relationship became difficult between me and a friend, I opted to throw my dummy out of the pram, argue and eventually end up leaving the job and friend behind. Soon enough however, I found myself with exactly the same situation with a new friend/work partner.

This time however, I noticed the pattern, and stuck with it. Rather than trying to force the situation round to what I wanted, I accepted the friend for who he was in each moment (harder than it sounds) and dealt with the situation quite passively. This included some time apart when I first started meditating, beginning to cultivate some silence, but over the next few years quite a transformation occurred, which improved my relationship with my friend, and with my attitude to work.

The way I see it, we’re free to move around, but our obstructions will follow us wherever we go. Staying put and dealing with my situation in a loving way, witnessing and releasing negativity into silence has worked wonders for me.

The wandering yogi idea makes me think of a book I’ve been reading recently which may be worth you looking into. It’s a very famous book called ‘Steppenwolf’ by Herman Heiss.

Not sure if that helps!

Cheers,
Tom

[yogani]

Hi Adrian,

Being who we are is ok. We each have our own path. Trying to be what others wish us to be is problematic. We can allow their wishing in stillness, and our circumstances as Tom points out, and continue on our path wherever it leads.

The fact that you are noticing and questioning the flip-flopping is a sign of growth. What happens next is up to you.

There is the old story about the wandering yogi who fell in love, got married, had children, had to get a house, cows, land, fence the land, run for office to protect his community, family and belongings, and so on. Was he better off as a wandering yogi? Who knows?

The suggestion is to meditate and live your life fully, whatever that is for you. Moving in stillness will grow.

The guru is in you.

[selfpaste (Adrian)]

Thank both of you for your answers!

@Drystone I really enjoyed Herman Hesse’s Siddhatra and I downloaded a trial version of the Steppenwolf Ebook.

I have also experienced that when leaving a situation behind might mean you have to face it in some other shape or form - sometimes, however, it seems like the dharma wheel continued to turn and I was not faced with it again. I think internally fighting it or not fighting it makes the difference.

It’s funny you mention this about ‘facing it’: I remember getting a work opportunity to do something, which in the end I regrettably couldn’t take. In the end, I ended up doing the same thing as offered in the opportunity, but in my current job.

@yogani I will give my best to live my life fully! I have become convinced that spirituality is about more than sitting down to meditate. I went a bit light on the meditation yesterday and today since I think I have enough going on energetically - let’s see tomorrow!

The ‘wandering yogi’ in me was carrying quite a bit of emotional baggage/obstructions which seems to be loosening. Taking this Saturday to rest has made this clear and I can feel parts of my heart softening, happy to be felt (even if cold or aching!). I will take some days off and see if the flip-flopping stops and the superposition of possibilities collapses into one reality

[Drystone (Tom)]

Hi Adrian.

I’ve only just discovered Herman Hesse, his book ‘Demian’ is also a lovely read

[selfpaste (Adrian)]

I guess I am still wondering, whether this flexibility of the mind of thinking one thing and then the other (possibly alternating many times) is a common phenomenon. I remember Tristan once talking about something similar. So, if we’re talking about the same thing, I wonder whether this can make decisions and commitments hard. It could either be part of a process of certain labels that we put on things disappearing - or it could be some lingering indecision on my part and unwillingness to take things as they come.