Feeling unfulfilled. Is this worth it?

21. Yoga and Relationships
1

I don’t want to be overly negative, but I need to get this off my chest. Please bear with me.

So many changes in the last few years. Just to be alone. Just to barely want to keep going. So many nights in the beautiful wilderness…alone. So many adventures with the light ring. Alone. Living alone. Travelling alone. Alone. Alone. Alone.

I’ve lost so much creativity and motivation. Broke away from a failing marriage seven years ago. Broke away from a hurtful family and learned to live without them. Was excited to explore relationships and have some fun. Platonically, some of that has happened…and failed. Romantically, it’s been a desert. I’ve spent that time falling apart and picking up the pieces again. Perpetually. No closer to anything, seemingly. Now my youth is fading and I’m feeling incredibly unfulfilled. At first I could attract attention/looks, but I wasn’t in a place to do anything about it, focused on re-establishing myself. Now I’m older and my youth is fading. I’m finally stable (maybe?), but now I’m feeling irrelevant and unwanted.

But (?) something has shifted the last few months, and I’m taking care of my health in a meaningful way (again). There’s synchronicity, gratitude, and the (at least illusion) of some hope. But (!), while the gratitude and shifts are apparently real, so is the extra depth of not believing any of it. I’ve seen this all before. It doesn’t go anywhere. And since I’m no longer numbing myself with my habits, I now feel the deep heartache at all moments from waking to sleep. Again. I’m taking care of myself. Great! Who cares? It won’t change a thing. I’ll never not be who I am.

I don’t feel any closer to companionship. I don’t feel any closer to enlightenment. If anything, I feel like I just keep losing and being stripped of everything. Hope. Creativity. Looks. Youth. Friendships. Relevance. It’s all going away and there’s a constant deep pain of loneliness and overwhelming unfulfillment. What if it’s just not worth it? Why am I even trying at any of this?

I can’t bypass this or meditate it away. It’s like permanent marker on my heart.

With love, gratitude, and a very broken heart…
-David

4 Likes
2

Hi David,

I recognize myself in some of the things you’re saying. I’ve long longed to break away from a hurtful family. I finally succeeded, but I underestimated how tough the time right after could be. Still, in some way, I believe it was necessary. It’s part of a another cycle of things breaking, and eventually something new will reappear. Who knows, maybe these sort of cycles continue forever?

It sounds really good that you were able to shake certain habits and, as weird as at sounds, I believe it’s a good thing that you’re able to feel your heartache again. Not that you should become attached to it. I mean that it can be a sign of waking up and feeling fully. It’s good to feel that you’re alive again, instead of being identified with some habit. It’s something to be celebrated! I’m sure you will get used to the sting at some point, effortlessly hold it in consciousness. It might even feel blissful.

All the best from a fellow AYPer

Adrian

2 Likes
3

Dear David,

I hear you.

We are to turn these feelings (the pain, the loneliness, the overwhelming unfulfillment) into fuel for the Bhakti fire. Turn it into longing for your ideal. Work this suffering into a climatic peak, let it flood over you. It will be followed by bliss and you will be comforted.

Sey :pray:

1 Like