Estranged father has life-threatening illness. How to love?

21. Yoga and Relationships
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Hi Everyone,

I found out a couple days ago that my dad has a life-threatening illness and requires immediate surgery. The prognosis is unclear at this time, as there are still more tests to be done. I want him to be well, but this brings up challenging emotions and I’m looking for wisdom.

Although brilliant and successful in a worldly way, he’s a deeply unwell man and I suffer from complex trauma from his behavior. On the flip side, some of my greatest gifts were fostered by both the physical resources he provided and being exposed to his creative/technical process. He both blessed me and cursed me in profound ways, and both have left their lasting mark.

Unfortunately, due to the nature of his mental illness, he has a complete lack of insight into his mind’s sickness. There is no hope of reasoning with him or having an adult conversation; he is completely incapable of it.

I finally got free from his gravitational field three years ago, and it was one of the most difficult and freeing things I’ve ever done. I haven’t spoken with him since, and I’ve been genuinely better off for it. Although I’ve made incredible progress in these years resolving my anger towards him and fostering a fulfilling life for myself, the thought of reconnecting – even in the face of his potential death – gives me a sense of unease any trauma survivor would understand.

So, my question is: what does Love look like here? I have the opportunity to forgive him for everything while he’s still alive and have him know it. But if I do that, I risk destabilizing myself from exposure to him, and that might not be loving either. Yet, if I don’t do it and he dies, I might regret it for the rest of my life.

This is going to require some serious discernment. All thoughts, perspectives, and experiences are welcome and appreciated.

Love,

-DreamWeaver

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Hi Dreamweaver,

I’m sorry to hear of your struggles with your dad.

The thing that I would point out is that both outcomes would not be lasting if you continued your yoga practice. It’s all grist for the mill.

It may be an interesting experiment to reconnect, just to see how you react to any stimulus from your dad, maybe you have advanced more than you think?. But really, I cannot tell you whether to go or not. It is your choice, but just try not to be attached to the outcome. Trust your heart.

Whatever you decide will be the way to go, I hope that whatever happens you will be able to stay centred.

Best wishes, Tom

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Hi DreamWeaver

Yoga does not mean that we stop putting boundaries to those who hurt us

But as Tom said, only you can know what to do… you can take small steps with your dad and see how it feels down the road

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Dreamweaver, I do not have an answer for you but can share my experience. I had been estranged from my parents for 6 years. In the first year of my journey with AYP I woke up at 6am in a near panic. The growing prana made it almost unbearable to not face areas in my life I felt stuck. I decided to call my parents that morning and it went really well. I made several attempts to connect with them after that call and they remained fixed in their unwillingness to work on the relationship (they had broken off our contact based on their own unwillingness to acknowledge harmful things they had done in an attempt to sabotage my marriage). It was a few years later when my mother died and I tried again. My father spent hours blaming me for so many consequences of his actions. He is very narcissistic and unable to truly own his contribution to our estrangement. We have a very one-sided relationship. I do feel parts of myself healing as a result of taking the high road. I know he appreciates my efforts even if he doesn’t have the ability to ever acknowledge what he has done.

Our ongoing interactions have helped me to model unconditional loving to him (and indirectly to my children who missed out on a relationship with their grandparents) . I have experienced healing through this journey. I suspect many relationships are too far gone and I certainly wouldn’t recommend putting yourself in harms way. I hope you find discernment from your inner guru.

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Hi Dreamweaver

Looks like you are caring and compassionate, thats love! So if you decide to keep some space here are some tips

Here are some AI tips on “Making Amends “ based on the twelve steps program of the AA. “works for everyone”

Making amends to someone you can’t directly communicate with can be challenging, but there are ways to approach it. Here are some steps you might consider:

1. **Reflect on Your Actions**: Take time to think about what specifically you want to apologize for and how your actions affected the other person.

2. **Write a Letter**: Even if you can’t send it, writing a letter to the person can help you articulate your feelings and take responsibility. Express your regrets and what you’ve learned from the situation.

3. **Symbolic Actions**: Consider doing something that symbolizes your amends. This could be engaging in a charitable act, helping others, or changing your behavior in a way that honors the lessons learned.

4. **Talk to a Trusted Friend or Mentor**: Sharing your feelings with someone else can provide perspective and help you process your emotions.

5. **Focus on Personal Growth**: Make a commitment to change your behavior moving forward. This can be a powerful way to show that you are serious about making amends, even if the person isn’t present.

6. **Meditation or Prayer**: If you are spiritual, you might find comfort in prayer or meditation, asking for forgiveness and the strength to move forward positively.

While direct communication may not be possible, taking these steps can help you find closyyyyure and foster personal growth.

Good luck

:folded_hands:

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Alain, such a beautiful response we all need action pointers. Interpaul leading with love has benefited you greatly! Dream Weaver :folded_hands:t2: for bringing your story I hope this thread has clarified your choice, leading with love can do no wrong in my experience.

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Thanks for the replies, everyone. I really appreciate it.

Alain, I did consider writing him a letter or email. That way, I can be more thoughtful with my words, and I’d have control over how close he could get. As mentioned, it could be useful even if I never send it.

Interpaul, I’m glad you’re able to embody unconditional love in the face of knowing your perspective may never be understood. That’s the vibe I’m going for, just have to feel out what that looks like.

Thanks again everyone :folded_hands:

-DreamWeaver

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Dear DreamWeaver,

That is what Samyama is for - letting go in Stillness. Is Samyama part of your practice? I can completely relate to your story as I have walked a similar path with my Dad. Perhaps, it is opportune to share my story.

My father and I fell out at some point in my adult life. I was furious at him and could no longer bear, what I perceived to be, his arrogance and insensitivity to others’ feelings. These others were my beloved mum and siblings. Like he had done his duty by us, by feeding and clothing us, I did my duty by him by providing the money required to ensure he had someone to take care of him and replaced any gadget that stopped working in his home. I stayed away from him and never visited. Then one day a friend, also a meditation practitioner, told me - hey come, it is time you forgave your Dad. So bitter were my feelings that I shouted at my friend. Still, the seed was planted and I knew mere words of forgiveness would not be genuine. I started dropping my father’s name in samyama. More precisely, each time I dropped the sutra ‘Love’ into Stillness, I would let my mind briefly touch upon my father. For years I did that. Then one day, abruptly, my feet just carried me the couple of meters up the road to that crooked house, my family home, where my father still lived – alone. I say my feet carried me because no thought was going through my head, I was being propelled by an inner force. Unhesitatingly, I went in. He was there, sitting at the table in the dining room, old and grey. His pale watery eye – he had lost his other eye to cataracts - looked at me in surprise. “Lise,” he said in hesitant joy. I walked up to him and told him to stand up. He obeyed. I wrapped him in my arms and said, “I forgive you.”

“I forgive you too,” he responded. Anger surged in me. He… he forgives me? I turned and left without saying more. I was too choke up and did not want to un-do what I had been trying to do. As I covered the short distance back to my home, the anger quickly sank into Stillness and I was left with – what on earth did he mean by that? What was he forgiving me for? Then my mind replayed how hard my father had worked to give us the best that he could afford, to ensure we did not lack; how as a child he had thrown me up onto his shoulders when he came home, no matter how exhausted he’d look. I had turned my back on him, taken my love away for so many years – irrespective if he deserved it or not, and that required his forgiveness. And he had given it to me. A weight was lifted off my heart and I let myself fill up with love for that old man. There are always two sides to forgiveness. I still did not visit my Dad as often as I should have – in truth, I did not completely trust myself – but I no longer felt bitterness when thinking or talking about him.

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Thanks for sharing your story, Sey. :folded_hands:

Samyama as outlined in AYP isn’t part of my practice yet. Admittedly, I have little in the way of structured practice outside of prayer and paying attention to breath and my body. However, I feel I’ve been unintentionally apprehending the spirit of samyama as my awareness increases. Like, accidentally arriving at it if that makes sense. This situation, and my previous post about electronics malfunctioning, are making for good practice.

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I healed so much with my family I could write multiple books.

Here is what you do - you love. There is nothing left to do and that love can look like time together and time apart depending on what way you apply it and into which dimension you are conforming the love to.

I, for my family, was able to get my dad to read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy and it helped us heal a huge rift within us. I now have lunch with him weekly after years of on and off again contact. I now see the gift he was I am the strongest man I have met to date when it comes to living (although I have seen others on my level and more in the world).

I am not sure how well you are developed in your practice. It sounds like you have yet to find inner stability and see how everything is gift, even the abuse which becomes something you lived through and thus survived as someone who then can use that to thrive as strength (If I can live through this, I can live through anything and use it to my advantage - think emotional David Goggins if you need to as part of your yogi facing the eventual death of your form in each breath, movement and stillness eternally as life).

If you know how to harness Qi / prana, you can use it to send extra energy through the akashic principle to start helping your father heal (I use Qi Gong medical for specific application as part of my yoga of one way through God - ie. as we live in Samadi we can do more). Use Qi tool sets from a distance (if you need him to agree, ask him if you can pray for him - or if he is not of a mature mindset to handle that be a mature individual and do what is loving as oneness from God embodied). Tools such as Qi(prana) Balls set to the right intention sent through the akasha can help. Make sure that every time a not loving emotion comes up you are transforming it through your yoga and other practices (journaling helps as you can keep a record and focus on each trait).

If nothing else, pray and love - we each only get one father and one mother - this life is built on them - honor them for who and what they are as incarnations of Good and Evil that we love to remove the evil and live with what is made neutral as we see them as the parents we raise from adult hood.

If you need more, there are great works on this process. I am sorry to hear about your father, I’ve had a few scares of my own. Keep on trucking, being love with God and you’ll be happy you put your all in no matter what. Last tip - be outcome independent, do the work but realize that as a student of life your father must be who he is and learn as he does the best and worst of what his incarnation is about. He was a kid, he was a teenager, had his twenties and now he has been a father for a while. This helps as it will keep you healthy while praying for everything in existence as oneness to be love by being.

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My dad’s health has started to rapidly decline, and my sister called a few weeks ago to let me know that if I had anything to say while he’s still coherent my time was now. The doctor has given him 3-6 months. So, I flew out to California to see him a couple weekends ago.

He didn’t know I was coming, so it was quite a shock for him to answer the door and find me there. He’s an old man now and struggles to speak; quite a change from four years ago when I last saw him. I spent a couple hours with him on three consecutive mornings, as I can only take so much. However, it was time well spent and pleasant overall. He hasn’t changed much mentally, and even the prospect of death hasn’t cracked his awareness open any farther. However, he did have a brief moment of humility and apologized (generically) with tears in his eyes. I said, “It’s fine,” and we moved on. He told me I almost gave him a heart attack when he answered the door. I joked that that’s what I was really going for. We laughed. He said he loved me and I said it back. We hugged goodbye. That will be the last time I see him.

The rest of my time was spent in the mountains and catching up with my brother and eldest sister. I even caught up with my middle sister on the phone for a couple hours for the first time in two years. In all, it was a very relationship-oriented weekend. A lot of energy got redistributed (relieved) after years of distance. I’d say that was a good thing overall.

The time in the mountains was fantastic. I consider the foothills of the Sierra Nevada my true home, and I’ve been homesick like crazy all summer. I got to hike my favorite hikes and even went down to my favorite river and, for the first time ever, dunked myself all the way under. A baptism.

One other unbelievable thing: I ran into the woman I consider my spiritual mother while on a trail she and I used to hike together. For the second time in three years the situation unfolded similarly: I came to California to re-establish connection with family after years of work on myself, went for a hike where she and I used to go, and then there she was right on the trail. I even thought about how much I wanted to see her and called her phone (with no answer) twenty minutes before I ran into her. If I had any shred of doubt that my life was being watched over by some guiding force, it has been annihilated by now. I was at a loss for understanding how that type of synchronicity was possible the first time, and I’m at an even greater loss for words that it happened again! I’m grateful to have seen her and for her to have seen me in my current state. She said I look confident and fit.

The sequence of seeing my father, running into my “mother,” spending time at home in the mountains, and baptizing myself in the river has come with a shift. A chapter has closed, and I feel reborn in a way. Not in some grand sense, but something deep and quiet. No posturing, no running, no fighting. Rather, a peaceful silence. A solid, quiet knowing. What now? Continue to love, I guess. I keep going.

With love,

-David

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