I found out a couple days ago that my dad has a life-threatening illness and requires immediate surgery. The prognosis is unclear at this time, as there are still more tests to be done. I want him to be well, but this brings up challenging emotions and I’m looking for wisdom.
Although brilliant and successful in a worldly way, he’s a deeply unwell man and I suffer from complex trauma from his behavior. On the flip side, some of my greatest gifts were fostered by both the physical resources he provided and being exposed to his creative/technical process. He both blessed me and cursed me in profound ways, and both have left their lasting mark.
Unfortunately, due to the nature of his mental illness, he has a complete lack of insight into his mind’s sickness. There is no hope of reasoning with him or having an adult conversation; he is completely incapable of it.
I finally got free from his gravitational field three years ago, and it was one of the most difficult and freeing things I’ve ever done. I haven’t spoken with him since, and I’ve been genuinely better off for it. Although I’ve made incredible progress in these years resolving my anger towards him and fostering a fulfilling life for myself, the thought of reconnecting – even in the face of his potential death – gives me a sense of unease any trauma survivor would understand.
So, my question is: what does Love look like here? I have the opportunity to forgive him for everything while he’s still alive and have him know it. But if I do that, I risk destabilizing myself from exposure to him, and that might not be loving either. Yet, if I don’t do it and he dies, I might regret it for the rest of my life.
This is going to require some serious discernment. All thoughts, perspectives, and experiences are welcome and appreciated.
I’m sorry to hear of your struggles with your dad.
The thing that I would point out is that both outcomes would not be lasting if you continued your yoga practice. It’s all grist for the mill.
It may be an interesting experiment to reconnect, just to see how you react to any stimulus from your dad, maybe you have advanced more than you think?. But really, I cannot tell you whether to go or not. It is your choice, but just try not to be attached to the outcome. Trust your heart.
Whatever you decide will be the way to go, I hope that whatever happens you will be able to stay centred.
Dreamweaver, I do not have an answer for you but can share my experience. I had been estranged from my parents for 6 years. In the first year of my journey with AYP I woke up at 6am in a near panic. The growing prana made it almost unbearable to not face areas in my life I felt stuck. I decided to call my parents that morning and it went really well. I made several attempts to connect with them after that call and they remained fixed in their unwillingness to work on the relationship (they had broken off our contact based on their own unwillingness to acknowledge harmful things they had done in an attempt to sabotage my marriage). It was a few years later when my mother died and I tried again. My father spent hours blaming me for so many consequences of his actions. He is very narcissistic and unable to truly own his contribution to our estrangement. We have a very one-sided relationship. I do feel parts of myself healing as a result of taking the high road. I know he appreciates my efforts even if he doesn’t have the ability to ever acknowledge what he has done.
Our ongoing interactions have helped me to model unconditional loving to him (and indirectly to my children who missed out on a relationship with their grandparents) . I have experienced healing through this journey. I suspect many relationships are too far gone and I certainly wouldn’t recommend putting yourself in harms way. I hope you find discernment from your inner guru.
Looks like you are caring and compassionate, thats love! So if you decide to keep some space here are some tips
Here are some AI tips on “Making Amends “ based on the twelve steps program of the AA. “works for everyone”
Making amends to someone you can’t directly communicate with can be challenging, but there are ways to approach it. Here are some steps you might consider:
1. **Reflect on Your Actions**: Take time to think about what specifically you want to apologize for and how your actions affected the other person.
2. **Write a Letter**: Even if you can’t send it, writing a letter to the person can help you articulate your feelings and take responsibility. Express your regrets and what you’ve learned from the situation.
3. **Symbolic Actions**: Consider doing something that symbolizes your amends. This could be engaging in a charitable act, helping others, or changing your behavior in a way that honors the lessons learned.
4. **Talk to a Trusted Friend or Mentor**: Sharing your feelings with someone else can provide perspective and help you process your emotions.
5. **Focus on Personal Growth**: Make a commitment to change your behavior moving forward. This can be a powerful way to show that you are serious about making amends, even if the person isn’t present.
6. **Meditation or Prayer**: If you are spiritual, you might find comfort in prayer or meditation, asking for forgiveness and the strength to move forward positively.
While direct communication may not be possible, taking these steps can help you find closure and foster personal growth.
Alain, such a beautiful response we all need action pointers. Interpaul leading with love has benefited you greatly! Dream Weaver for bringing your story I hope this thread has clarified your choice, leading with love can do no wrong in my experience.
for bringing your story I hope this thread has clarified your choice, leading with love can do no wrong in my experience.