Hay. I 'm new here so I don’t know if is any one fammiliar with “ego-death” , or “dark night of the soul” experience.
I wonder, what happened to me…
7 Months ago I had a traumatic experience , while smoking weed with my friends. Before trauma appeared I was deeply relaxed, I havent feel my body, I could not move or think. I was just breathing and my feelings were going to highest degree. After some “infinite love” feelings passed away… Finnaly i meet my Self. I appeared in my “soul chamber” where I saw my true self. When I looked into his Golden eyes,
something created some sort of box which sealed me within. At this point I became very panic and scared, I didn’t know what really happened. It wasnt reallity but it wasnt imagination either… It was something beyond I have ever know it was possible.
Also, when I came back to reallity from this trauma, chemichals in my head went insane, It seemed like they changed shape and I got massive headche. I wanted to go home while we were smoking some more weed. I havent told my friends who were with me in this time about anything.
I acted like everything is fine, like everything is as it was.
So, we were going home… After I came home , I went to bed immidietly
It was so strange that I dont want to remember it anymore
So , next morning I woke up
EVERYTHING was totally diffrent. I couldn’t believe it.
It was so unreal , It was like I was sleeping but I was awake.
I lost total sense of self, of who I am , who I was
God wasnt there. Feelings of total abadonment and separation from everything which I though it was REAL
Feelings , desires , wishes , hopes , beliefs … everything faded away… Then only emptiness was left. (this all happened in the morning after night’s trauma )
This emptiness,those feelings of total annahilation and terror…
I couldn’t stand it , so I smoked even more weed as before, just to forget about all tihs, just to forget the reallity.
But even when I was “high” I couldn’t feel anything. Just this total objective reallity, nothing… nothing to feel, nothing to wish, nothing to think.
For 2 months from trauma, I cried almost every day. I didn’t want this terror and emptiness. I was loning for my feelings and bonds which I made in my life ( with friends and family )
Then… I realized… There is nothing more to do, I tried everything to get my memories and feelings back.Nothing, just nothing.
I surrendered tottaly into this emptiness… and within few weeks, the pain go away.
But the main question is : Was this ego death or was it (and it stil is ) just chemichal imbalance in my brain?
What should I do ? I dont feel anything for 5 months now. and what i mean by that is that I dont feel even this emptiness anymore. There is only pure awarness and councious thoughts.
I am “longing” for my soul to return , but to be sure what this is… I’m asking you.
I must also say: My mind is not logical anymore, Its like my abillity to think deep has slightly changed and im like “Dumb”
My memories are eaisier to acces but they dont have any emotional content with it. They are just like pictures whose fade away more and more.
So again… What do you think it was ? ego death or just chemichal imbalance in my brains ( which medications would fix it )?
Thank you, Love
Lost Soul
Hi Lost Soul,
Welcome to the AYP Forum.
What you experienced wasn’t ego death. Ego-death may be frightening before it occurs, or as it is happening - but it is impossible for there to be any fear, discomfort or distress after it happens.
However, like other enlightenment-related experiences, ego-death is often not a singular event, but more often, something that happens in degrees, over time.
Even significantly-awakened people (meaning: those largely no longer identified with illusory ideas) can experience a return of conditioned ego, though if they are truly awake, it is usually just a momentary reaction of the body-mind, and not given undue attention (if you saw the equation 2+2 = 3 … would you give it much attention? 
).
The main clue that you did not experience ego death is in your sentence:
“I am “longing” for my soul to return.”
Ego-death is the end of all longing; only the ego longs. Longing is a symptom of the error of perceiving ourselves as unwhole or incomplete; all desire and suffering arises from the basic error. Also, if ego death occurs, it is quite obvious that whatever can be called soul cannot go anywhere, and that we cannot be separate from it – or anything else, for that matter.
Ego basically is the illusion that we are something separate from reality; the announcement that 2+2 = 3 … which, of course, it does not.
I don’t know if this may be a chemical imbalance either, though it may be (I’m not a health professional, and am not qualified to comment on that aspect). I would say that’s more likely if you’ve had a history of neuro-chemical imbalances, or depression, or other mental health issues (chemical imbalances don’t usually result from a single marijuana/spiritual experience).
However, I see a third possibility, and that is: sometimes, a combination of a specific drug experience, along with our thoughts and intentions, can combine to create a powerful spiritual-emotional experience, which triggers release of old obstructions in the body-mind … in ways that can be experienced as very disorienting and uncomfortable.
The way we would say it in AYP, is that the specific experience you described triggered major purification — that it triggered major but temporary changes in body, mind and overall energy that are ideally facilitated more gradually – primarily because “more gradually” usually means far less discomfort.
You wrote:
“There is only pure awarness and councious thoughts.”
Well, that sounds good. What exactly is the problem, do you feel?
You say you are “longing for your soul to return” … but your soul can’t actually go anywhere; it’s what is reading these words.
I might suggest simply letting go of the memory of the experience you described; you might as well – it’s gone anyway (anything not now is simply a thought now.)
This will allow awareness to simply rest here, now, in actuality.
Non-peace requires thinking, and so, when thoughts are troubled - best to turn attention to something else, ideally something not centered around thinking.
The sense of “nothing” or emptiness, or non-feeling may mean to that you have entered what we call the dispassion phase - where there is no longer really a sense of self, and there’s a sense of deadness to everything; we no longer feel alive, or engaged with life, because our former imagination-centric way of relating to the world has dissolved.
Does that sound about right?
If so, this is something that nearly every spiritual seeker passes through, and it’s a fairly advanced stage; “jumping” there could be quite disturbing, but if you are there … it’s actually a fairly major gain … just one that I’m sure has been rough for you (as you described).
It’s well understood, though … it’s the desert that many spiritual tales refer to, or, as you wrote, the “dark night of the soul”.
The challenge in this stage usually comes from trying to reference the old — limited thoughts and feelings — for information on what to do, and how to do it — and they can’t help you in this stage, and that’s a good thing, actually; you’re beyond them, now, if this is what you are going through.
Before long, the desert or dark night gives way to the new dawn, to the fulness of the promised land – the wholeness that all spiritual seekers seek, while they are dreaming; the wholeness that’s always already here.
And then, everything is alive … but not like before.
Rather, actually alive, actually real … and beautifully priceless, every moment now.
If any of that resonates deeply, maybe that’s what is going on.
If you are indeed at this stage, and, even if you’re not … opening to intuition, rather than binding yourself with thinking, is likely to be helpful.
Also, if you’re currently smoking a lot of weed, still, you may want to roll it back a bit, at least for a while (it can account for that dumbness feeling). The “dumbness” can also come from the old toolset of memory and imagination not being as automatically accessible as before, and if so – that’s great, actually!
If that’s the case, you’ll get used to flowing with life, instead of thinking against it, before long at all … and it only gets more wonderful from here, if this is where you are.
All of that is written just in case it might be useful for you; I hope it is.
Also, I don’t know if you practice AYP currently; if you do, please post what your daily routine is - that can help us better advise you.
If you don’t, you may want to start, but you might want to start a bit slowly, per the strangeness you’ve been feeling. Practices might increase it … but they also might help stabilize it. And, over the long-term, especially, AYP offers not only a successful path, but one that is very good at helping practitioners avoid major and unexpected upheavals, such as the one you’ve described.
Wholeheartedly,
Kirtanman
PS- Two simple lines that can be helpful at any time of discomfort:
All is well.
This too shall pass.