dear friends
i always had strong bhakti in general and specifically towards my ishta too
my ishta has taken many forms through the years, first it was Lord Siva and then it became Swami Chidananda (disciple of Swami Sivananda /Divine Life Society…not to be confused with another perosn who has the same name)
lately the bhakti towards my ishta is becoming sexual/tantric
when i lay down in bed i sponteeously imagine him holding me in spoon pose
the other day i was looking at one of his picture and i automatically said to myself “oh, my husband”
No sexual intercourse is imagined yet, but who knows, it might be imagined or not
anyway as a dear friend told me, luckily my ishta is no longer alive cause such intimacies can go wrong . I am safe from this danger 
when my friend told me this, i understood why i never my ishta while he was still alive although he came to Lebanon many times and i visited his ashram few times: if i had met him in person i am sure i would leave everything behind and “run after him” 
and this is not very wise, in addition to the sexual mess, also there would be no one left to take care of the sickness of my mother and the death of my father
feeling blessed 
It has happenned here as well towards the Goddess during Chantings (arti), sexual thoughts have come up causing much anguish and pain as I am supposed to worship her as Mother.
It is amusing and both agonizing that worshipping the Goddess it has so happened on its own that i see the Devi in many women and i mentally prostrate to them as the Divine Mother. Even after that, I may get sexual thoughts or attraction. 
sexual thoughts towrads the Divine are not a source of shame
you may find this lesson useful
http://www.aypsite.org/T22.html
Thanks maheswari, actually thats how i discovered AYP. I was having certain such sexual experiences which were quite contrary to the normal religious beliefs, creating a lot of confusion and forcing me to do my practises behind closed doors .
I searched online and found answers here.
I also feel strong attraction towards my Guru although he is a male and also quite old.
thank you for sharing maheswari… very touching…
the lovemaking will happen for sure, no doubt about it. and you won´t have to imagine it, it will blow your mind .
there would be no danger in it even if your ishta was still physically alive as long as you would be nurishing this love in your heart and not in your mind. the mind can be helpful to set it off, but the heart is the boss.
it sounds like you´re getting ready…
Dear maheswari,
That is awesome, about the development in your relationship with your ishta! Enjoy. <3
BTW, that is one of my favorite AYP Lessons. I have had this kind of blessed relationship with my ishta for many years and thought I was getting away with something naughty 
. I didn’t even know that other yogis were doing this until I came to AYP, and I was quite reassured by Yogani’s explanation.
my ishta is old too …he passed away in 2008
.
so it seems, wait and see
.
[quote]
I was getting away with something naughty . I didn’t even know that other yogis were doing this until I came to AYP, and I was quite reassured by Yogani’s explanation
[/quote].
although i read this lesson in the past and i read many posts in the forums about this subject, i always thought that “no way, this is too much, it is crazy, not ethical, it is not gona happen with me , dont want it to happen with me”
but it is happening i am letting it happen as it wants to happen
ps. my ishta is devoted to Lord Rama.Since few months i am surprised by myself chanting spontaneoulsy Rama Bhajans and thinking of my ishta at the same time
in the past it was all about Shiva and Durga bhajans
Dear maheswari,
Thank you for being selfless and sharing your experience here. I echo Radharani’s sentiment, which is that it (what you describe) can definitely augment core practices. I personally have directed tantric practices, as Yogani outlines in his tantra book, towards my Ishta in the forms of male, female, and servant. For me, though, my compulsion toward physical, sexual excess has proven to be pranically draining and destabilizing with regard to my practices.
The tantra lesson above is beautiful and touching. Thank you for sharing it.
Do you mean, “physical, sexual excess” IN your tantric practices, or do you mean in your life, which then drains energy, thus destabilizing your yoga practices? If the latter, maybe this will settle down as you get deeper into the tantric practices? <3
Hi, radharani,
Let me thank you tenderly for asking. It’s very caring of you to respond to these difficult events in my life, and it means a lot to me. Really.
I don’t want to go off topic here, but I will say that I overindulge in sex (alone) outside of practices. However, I am not meeting or attempting to meet partners anymore, for several months. A friend helped me get to that decision, gently, and I am grateful for that.
I get carried away with tantra, too, and have extreme difficulty self pacing and integrating its more immediate effects into my day. Celibacy, too, is something I cannot accomplish and am not ready for. So the question is, what to do? Either way, it seems, I will be melancholy some of the time. I’m trying.
Thanks
From my experience …
The kundalini, our pure raw energy is sexual/ spiritual. Neither or both. They are inseparable, one and the same. In our confusion we persist in separating them. What is really happening is that we are realizing who we actually are. There is no separation. There is only unity. In the realization of unity, is the ecstasy and bliss. It is not two partners making love; it is only the One. Enjoying Itself in every way. Love-Joy-Peace is our true nature. That doesn’t leave anything out. How could it leave the sexual out? The sexual is no big deal. We make it into a big deal by excluding it from the spiritual. This is an impossibility which we try to impose upon ourselves. God tries to straighten out our thinking. Then we think we are getting away with something. We aren’t getting away with something, we are allowing God to have His way with us. Which is Who We Are.
God does love and desire us so much more than we can even imagine. So God desires us in every way. Nothing is to be left out. The sexual is included.
This is hard for us to understand with the mind. So we must go beyond mind and embrace the miracle of God. Which is who we are. Then it all makes sense.
love
parvati
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This is something intuitive for me but I never had the words.
This too, especially this. Thank you.
yes! exactly.