It used to be that way for me. The chatter bored me to death; the fakeness pained me. One day I seriously asked myself why. How come this is all I see? And why am I pained by it? (Believe me, it was not a feeling of compassion towards themā¦on the contrary )
For me it was simply that my connection with my inner presence was fragile. Being with others ādestroyedā the connection inwards. It turned out that other than missing the right mirroring (I mean, how can fakeness mirror truth?), it had nothing to do with them. What really pained me was MY fakeness; MY chatter. I was split between not wanting to listen to them and yet wanting something from them. I missed a connection that I seemed to think should be there. I wanted something I didnāt have. I didnāt own my own illusions. I rejected that part of myself.In rejecting my personality I immediately reject the real me. I forget that I am both heaven AND earth. Body AND soul.
When this is said, I think time to myself is a must. It is completely ok to want to be alone. I need it in my process. That is why I meditate. But I need to go out there and be too. Otherwise my being is conditioned - then I am not free. And if I am not free I cannot flower. It is everybodyās loss.
Maybe what you are experiencing, Shanti, is the ability to in fact be alone and still be with another. You are witnessing and at the same time engaging. I too used to feel it as being āoutsideā watching. But this has changed. I am neither inside nor outside when I watch now - I am just there. I have also noticed that when I am there witnessing, sometimes something happens to the other too. They become visible in another way. I can sense that we connect on a different level. They sense it too - because they relax. And the instant relaxation is there, the wall of the personality cracks - sometimes even to the point of letting light shine through. When this happens I love. Not them, not meā¦I simply love. It is great!
So now I donāt engage in the chatter. I instead engage in whatever is there of presence. If the wall is hard and dense, I engage in my own presence while I have 5% ear on the chatter. (I mean, sometimes I do have to behave in a civil way[
May all your Nows be Here
Yes. That for me, too. And it was fortuitously accompanied by my getting pretty sick of my mind, which I was starting to see contained none of the answers I was looking for. When you realize that thereās lots of interesting variety in the world and in your existance, but that the endless variety in and of itself is mostly hollow entertainment, like a satellite tv set-up with 500 channels, and when you realize that no matter how much data you feed your brain and no matter how hard it works, itās never going to spit out what you deeply feel yourself to be seeking, thatās a very very good point to be at.
Yes, there is a very uncomfortable middle ground between the unselfconscious numb tedium and suffering of everyday existence (where most people exist) and the bliss and peace of prolonged spiritual practice (not enlightenment, just plenty of meditation done the right way). There are times when you wish you could have LESS self-awareness. AYP is great because it takes you through that uncomfortable period quite quickly and efficaciously.
Yeah, I have no problem explaining it at all. My problem is constraining myself to a terse description. Here are some attempts:
the place in me that never changes the least bit
The dry spotā¦the place that doesnāt erode in the weather of existence
the place that first receives the sense impressions (scientists know that you jump away from fire or a snake or other danger before your visual cortex analyzes the image and determines what youāre actually looking atā¦and thatās a mystery to them. Itās because your central awareness gets the signal before the cortex). Little hint: try looking through your eyes and realizing that you are serving as the eyes of Godā¦then same for other senses. Interesting result!
The part of me that warms me when I bask (āmeā and āIā meaning, as always, alas, my mind)
I could go onā¦
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āPeople under 12 and over 70, I relate to pretty closely (though I still donāt see myself in them).ā
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They're less crystallized. They have less "at stake" (and as DAvid noted a few months ago, "at stake" is one way of viewing the notion of attachment). Less fully formed (one developing, the other disintegrating), they're in a slightly more open and spontaneous phase of life and so they're slightly less locked into static self-image. I've never locked into self image, and I've had relatively low stakes (a lot less now, after practices). So when I'm with adults, I feel the way kids do (generally unable to relate, plus the feeling that I'm among dull, overly serious inflexible and half-asleep chess pieces) and the way old people do (bemused observation of how rat racy everyone seems, chasing after this and that impermanent thing as if in a dream).
Melissa, can you drop the feeling/thought completely and go into silence, and then pick it up again? If yes , I think you are doing fine. From what I have understood from the lessons and posts, is that samyama is like shocking the mind, a thought, a feeling, then nothingā¦ it is like training the mind to go back to silence no matter what feelings it encountersā¦ in that case, if your feelings are extreme and yet you can drop it for silenceā¦ you are fine. Of course there will be better advice from people who have been doing it for longā¦ I am just starting with samyama, I still donāt understand how to pick a feeling up faintlyā¦ I can pick a thought and I have no trouble dropping it and going into silenceā¦ Actually, I find it easier to keep my mind blank, than on the mantra sometimes, but that is another storyā¦
Shanti wrote:
āActually, I find it easier to keep my mind blank, than on the mantra sometimes, but that is another storyā¦ā
Yeah me too. and with samyama itās easy for me to remember the sequence of words, which seems logical to me, but harder for me to remember that there is a ānext wordā. I just tend to
go to silence and stay there.
When socializing, Iām really not interested in the chatter either, but iām interested in people āopening up.ā I ask them about stuff they are into even though I couldnāt care less.
But when it makes them smile and begin to enjoy expressing themselves, I like it.
Yep me tooā¦ sometimes I am lost for quiet some time before I realize what I am doingā¦ and get back to itā¦ like I was unconscious or sleeping or somethingā¦
I feel conscious, but of nothing and itās peaceful and I like it. In order for me to remember the series of words, i have to not let go of them all the way. Because if I fully let go of one of them, I donāt come back, and thatās the end of that session- 20 minutes later. I tried continuing with the next word after that, but then Iām gone again another 20 minutes.
So after three words that way, I decided I wasnāt doing it right, and now I hang on to this side and try to let go on the other side at the same time.
Not what I feel like doing, but i can get through them all.
Hi Ether,
The way I have remembered the list of sutras is in 2 groups, 5 in the first group and 4 in the second, and how they are ordered in each group, and given them numbers:
Group 1:
Love
Radiance
Unity
Health
Strength
Group 2:
Abundance
Wisdom
Inner Sensuality
Akasha ā Lightness of Air
Then I can let go completely of one sutra by just remembering what group I was in and what number I was on, and then go to the next number when I pick the next.
I donāt have any problem remembering what one I was on, or the order.
I have a problem remembering what I was doing, and that thereās something I have to finish!
once I remember I was doing something, I can come back and finish. The words seem to be in a logical order to me, like theyāre telling a story.
Itās just that the instructions were something like letting it go into the silence. When I let go into the silence I forget where I am and what I am doing.
I understand. I have been close to forgetting also what I was doing if I wait too long between them, but in 15 seconds I can usually not get into that deep silence that I forget completely.
This is exactly how I feel. That is why I feel so blessed
I didnāt know of AYP, but the silence in me got me there anyway. And after 4 weeks of AYP I know I am exactly in the right place when it comes to practises. Finally!!
May all your Nows be Here
It appears (unless Iāve gotten my facts wrong) that youāre in the blush of a kundalini awakening. The challenge will be to diligently continue your practices as a lot of the ecstatic fireworks fade. The juiciness of openings doesnāt last, and when it subsides, itās easier for the old conditioning to resume. It can feel like quite a letdown, but practice will get you through.
Hi Melissa & Shanti:
If we have some symptoms in samyama that are erotic, that is how it goes. It is a common occurrence with just about any of the AYP practices ā itās even covered in the Deep Meditation book. The symptoms will pass as our purification progresses in that area, and then it all goes higher. Good things are happening!
If it gets to be too much, then some self-pacing of our practice will be in order. That could consist of taking a break from siddhasana, if using. If it is only the samyama, then you can at your option reduce the number of repetitions, or take a break from samyama for a few sessions until things settle down in your practice routine.
Grounding activity like regular physical exercise between sittings can also help smooth out the obstructions causing erotic friction.
This is not a permanent aspect of your practice ā only a phase of purification. It will pass and expand to become something much more in the realm of ecstatic bliss. Then you will be favoring your practice over that āsceneryā too. So it goes, onward up the scaleā¦
The guru is in you.
Hello M,
For what itās worth, the less manipulation the better. Just be easy about it, enjoy the ārideā. A new thing will show up and this experince will then move to another area. As I was taught , you will get many āflavorsā of the sutras along the way.
Key words -> simple, innocent. If this is how the consciousness is being expressed with the sutra, fine.
NOW, that said, if this is causing any undo discomfort ( sure doesnāt sound like it ) then we simply let our awareness go to the sensation area. Just put the awareness there. W/O judgement, expectation, resolve, etc we just let the awareness be with that feeling for a bit and thats it. Let it āconsume itā be with it, then back to your practice.
Let me know if this serves the purpose.
)
or somethingā¦