I'm not sure if I am being groomed - what do I do

[Sencianna]

Hello,

I spent one month in India at an ascetic ashram for a Kundalini Tantra course in the Satyananda lineage. During the course, I got very weird vibes from the Swamiji who was there. He seemed quick to touch and massage me, sometimes in uncomfortable ways. He asked if I felt close to him, even though we had only known each other for three days. He definitely seemed to believe—or want me to believe—that we were souls who had already met and were destined to be close.

Throughout the course, I was constantly fighting back and forth with myself, not knowing if what I was feeling was valid. At times, I felt a lot of fear (especially after discovering the history of the Satyananda lineage), to the point where I was terrified he would come into my room at night. Then I would tell myself I was just being dramatic—after all, I was on a Kundalini Tantra course, so of course sexual topics were coming up often.

He gave me a massage and took me through a “breathing” technique. He showed me how to do Moola Bandha with a partner by sitting me on his lap. After the massage, we did breathing again where he wanted me to sit on his lap with my legs wrapped around him.

I agreed to all of this, even though my initial instinct told me his vibes were very wrong. I really couldn’t—and still can’t—make up my mind about whether any of this was appropriate given the title of the course. It didn’t feel transparent. He also mentioned that there are rituals where they kiss young girls as goddesses.

Now I am feeling paranoid, especially after reading more about Satyananda ashrams. I am afraid that everything I was taught was polluted with this toxic energy. He also gave me a personal mantra: “Om Klim Maha Kalikaye Namaha.” He claimed it couldn’t be found in books or online because those sources are “wrong,” and true mantras are only given secretly by a Guru.

I don’t know if I should just throw all of this in the trash.

I still attend online Kundalini classes with one of his teachers, and I feel a lot of energy. I also felt energy from the mantra, but I’m not sure if I should continue. I feel like I want to drop it completely just to clear his energy out of my field. I am scared that he might be some kind of sexual vampire, and that these breathing exercises connected us in ways I don’t yet understand.

I am scared about what to do… Should I drop all of this? Is there a real risk of black magic being used against me? There is also this feeling that I am going to lose a chance for deepening my spiritual path in a way that is nowhere else to be found… That I was indeed given a chance but my ego driven by fear is taking it for soemthing else. That maybe I’m just conditioned and don’t understand thigs…

Really looking forward to your advice.

[yogani]

Hi Sencianna, and welcome to the forum!

Hard to say if you are being “groomed,” but you are being disrespected, at least from the point of view of AYP and other western spiritual teachings (not all!). Where gurus are given absolute authority, there is a tendency for exploitation and abuse, and it should not be tolerated. The few times over the years where it became apparent that certain individuals have attempted to use the AYP tantra teachings to exploit others, we have shut it down. It is also part of why AYP is not a guru system, with each individual given the tools to unfold the inner divine, including the role sex can play in one’s normal sexual lifestyle, whatever it may be, without interference.

So the advice here is, if someone offers you a spiritual path based on sexual acts with them, shaktipat, or any other kind of uninvited invasion in your personal space, run!

All the best on your path.

The guru is in you.

PS: Your post was moved from non-AYP related kundalini to this tantra category, which seems more appropriate. Also, not to cast any aspersions on Satyananda’s original teachings, which are of high quality. But all teachings may be subject to distortion and abuse. Whether or not that is happening in this case is for you to decide.

[Sencianna]

Dear Yogani,

Thank you so much for your prompt reply and engagement.

If I may still make use of some of your kindness, I would love to clarify a few things that keep bothering me.

1. I understand and can see that the Satyananda school of thought is of high quality, and I appreciate the tremendous effort involved in translating the teachings and spreading this knowledge. However, I have been told multiple times that the knowledge contained in books is incomplete and written wrongly on purpose. “True knowledge is passed only from Guru to disciple through a long process of study and guidance, with the deeper teachings revealed only to a select few”. From your knowledge and experience, would you agree with this view?

2. I struggle with following these teachings and techniques because I have the impression that they must be inherently flawed if they led the person who originated the lineage to acts of sexual abuse, as Satyananda himself has been accused of. How do you view these issues, and how would you recommend approaching them?

3. I received a personal mantra during a Aarati ceremony, where I felt charge of energy being transmitted through a thumb on my forehead. It was not a dramatic experience, but I felt this energy for some time afterward. Would this be considered Shaktipat?

4. Would you recommend that I continue using the japa mantra I received during this process, or would it be better to refrain from it?

5. Is there a possibility, that the breathing technique somehow connected me to this person on subtle levels? He asked me several times whether I could see the possibility of us entering into a union, which I understood to mean tantric intercourse, and I did not agree. However, even the breathing practice itself felt like a significant exchange of energy, with the last practice being felt by me for a few days after in my mooladhara. Based on your knowledge and experience, do you think there could be any consequences arising from that?

I would appreciate your clarification, as the Guru that is in me doesn’t provide many answers.

[Drystone (Tom)]

Hi Sencianna,

Welcome to the forum!

Just to say, I think that it seems your inner guru is doing a marvellous job. We can’t have all the knowledge at once, at the moment your inner voice is steering you away from danger, and towards confident self direction.

Your story sounds quite worrying, all that touchy feely stuff is definitely not cricket! It’s just totally unnecessary!

All the best!

Tom

[maheswari (maha moumneh)]

Hello Sencianna

Your inner guru is already telling you there is something wrong in the swami attitude

You can keep the mantra and practices

I think that your anxiety and paranoia is due not only to the swami abusive behaviour but also because you have an energy overload…meaning after a retreat and intensive practices, the cleaning effect of the practices can be more than what the body and mind can handle…I suggest you reduce the time of your practices and do grounding practices like walking, being in nature, being around people you love, attending to your daily routine tasks

I come from Vishnudevanda school of yoga …and he and his lineage were also accused of abuse…during my ttc and attc I always felt that there is a weird vibe happening not to me but around me in the ashram …but I did not care…I just took what I needed and let go of the rest..meaning I kept the mantra and the practices for years…afterwards I shifted to ayp practices

All the best!

[yogani]

Hi Sencianna,

A lot has happened since the old days when spiritual seekers had to surrender at the feet of a guru or follow the hierarchical path of a tradition. These options still exist with their pros and cons. But now seekers have many more options due to the rise of open information on the internet and the ability to engage in self-directed practice and in less restrictive spiritual communities. Today, every seeker/practitioner has a choice, relying on their own intuition and needs. Maybe a guru (or tradition/church) is needed for a time. Maybe several over time as one finds their spiritual footing. Then it may be on to a more self-directed path. Everyone has a choice, which is how it should be.

I can’t speak for what any particular teacher’s motivation may be in their writings, and whatever the follow up may be. Good people can do bad things, and even the opposite is true. Maha hit the nail on the head by saying, take what works for you and leave the rest behind. No teaching is going to be all bad or all good, and it is up to the practitioner to choose and grow by their own efforts.

One thing I would say is certain: The job of a guru or teacher, or even author, is to provide good techniques, a compatible routine for the lives students are living (not to forcibly change anyone’s lifestyle), and most importantly, facilitate spiritual self-sufficiency in the students. No one ever got enlightened living in a co-dependent relationship with a guru or tradition. And so many of them are like that. Self-sufficiency in practices and in life, sooner or later, is an essential ingredient on the spiritual path.

So it is suggested to continue with what is good on your path, and let go of the stuff that is obviously not good. And be ready to adapt and take advantage of knowledge that can further your spiritual development. Your bhakti (spiritual desire) will attract support from all sides. It is up to you to take advantage.

Regarding unwanted connections, psychic invasions, etc., these things only have the power you give them with your attention. So if you feel someone or something is trying to get into you, just let it go in stillness, and walk away. It has no power, except the power you may give it.

The suggestion is to make the cultivation of abiding inner silence in daily meditation the priority in your practice. Once you have that stabilizing within, you will be able to navigate the ups and downs of life with greater ease. Nature will rush to support you in ways you cannot imagine. Abiding inner silence is the “rock” we can build our house on, and the storms of life, inner and outer, will not blow us away.

All the best on your continuing path. You are in charge!

The guru is in you.

[yogani]

PS: For specific questions on AYP approaches to practice (meditation, pranayama, japa, etc.) it is suggested to search the lessons, or ask the AYP AI, where you can get detailed answers.

[jmf (James)]

Go with your gut. If it doesn’t feel right, then it’s not right.

[kristlynne (Kristen Jordan)]

Hi @Sencianna, you’ve already been given great advice by others, but I’ll add that discernment and self-trust has been a big part of my path, and one of the most rewarding things to heal. I can remember a time when I relied on others’ authority for my sense of spiritual safety or progress, second guessing my own discernment. What is right for you will feel right to you, fully. Our minds can absolutely tie us in knots, and letting go in stillness will create a firm foundation over time.

Another thing I want to reiterate is that some teachers can have a great deal of power & the ability to manipulate the energy of others, while still being abusive/corrupt and not worthy of their leadership role.

Wishing you all the best,

–K

[Smulan]

Hi Sencianna,

You’ve received so many thoughtful and helpful responses here on AYP, and in a way, I feel like you’re already answering some of your own questions in what you’ve written.

Maybe it isn’t your ego or your fear trying to pull you away from your spiritual path. Maybe it’s your own inner knowing gently guiding you.

It sounds like you may have gone against your own boundaries, and it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling distressed afterwards. I would gently encourage you to listen to that inner voice. From what you’ve described, this doesn’t sound like a healthy or balanced exchange. Encounters with other people shouldn’t leave us feeling paranoid, frightened, or deeply anxious.

I also don’t believe that what we are truly looking for as human beings can be found in another person. A teacher can inspire us and point us in a direction, but the deepest guidance is already within us.

You don’t need to be afraid that you’re missing some once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. What is truly meant for you will not require you to go against your intuition, your sense of safety, or your own boundaries.

Be gentle and loving with yourself right now. And try to let go of the fear that someone is somehow after you with black magic. From what you’ve written, it sounds like you may simply need some time to step back and self-pace, something AYP talks about a lot. I’ve had to do this myself, and although it was difficult at the time, it really helped me find my balance again.

And if you can, maybe spend some time with a friend or family member you trust. Sometimes simply being around people who make us feel safe and grounded can help us come back to ourselves.

[Sencianna]

TLDR; thank you, really. I recognize heightened energy and the resulting emotional imbalance, and I am putting your advice on meditation and grounding into practice. I chose to make peace with Swami in my head, recognizing the possible limitations of his worldview. I don’t like that traditions stained with abuse spread. I don’t add any resolution, but I allowed myself to vent. I thank AYP. I thank everyone who participated.

Hello everyone,

Thank you so much for your kind words, balanced advice, accurate observations, and a well-weighted approach. I also appreciate the things that were left unsaid; your focus on the positive side and self-empowerment allowed me to land more softly, instead of triggering further anxiety loops.

I am in fact in a heightened energy state, and I am navigating it with self-pacing and grounding, as per my current understanding after quick research on AYP.

The grey area between genuine intuition, my own mental programs, and societal conditioning has always been very challenging for me, so AYP speaks to me deeply as a way to develop this inner knowing. It is especially difficult when, as sincere seekers, we are asked to keep deprogramming our beliefs and accepting things that were unimaginable a few minutes ago, when we were leading a “more ordinary” life. That is why I connect deeply with everyone on this path who is vulnerable to such traps, enabled by a lack of self-assurance and unbeneficial external circumstances.

In the end, I decided to see in Swami not a bad man, but someone who went through years of conditioning himself (or deprogramming) in a way where what we call good and bad in our realities just doesn’t mean much for now. I choose to believe that the intentions were good. I hope to think about the whole situation and him less and less with time, and I wish to have enough wisdom to come from a place of compassion, understanding, and love for the times it continues to occupy my mental space.

I do struggle, however, with the general fact of continuing frameworks, teachings, and practices from lineages where physical, sexual, financial, or any other form of abuse has been revealed, especially if initiators or “elites” of the lineage were involved.

There are many, many cases where despite the abuse being revealed, the practices are still spread around the world, completely without considering crucial elements that would devoid individuals of the capability to hurt others (look at Kundalini Yoga as taught by Yogi Bhajan, Iyengar, Satyananda, and many more).

If I want to bake a cake, I will make sure to use a recipe that ensures the most positive result. Why do we agree to use recipes that have been shown to lead to very bad results, without understanding the underlying tissue of the problem and addressing it? Especially in the West, we do have tools to support creating a healthy ego before we aim for higher practices in order to dissolve it.

Of course, it’s a big and complex problem and perhaps the only thing we can do to help is taking care of our own healing to support the collective. Yet the silence around it, the popularization of these traditions, and my own experience worry me. I just wanted to voice that and recognize here the AYP organization, which I have the blessing to keep discovering now as a cure to the above-mentioned.

With that being said, I just want to thank you all. I feel lucky to have found this space, and I am grateful for such an active community here. Thank you for taking the time to read, understand, and reply with the best wishes for me.

I wish to return the favor.