Hi Carson,
I interpret this to contain eight questions, distinct from one another, depending on perspective. Which lens should we use: The kaleidoscope or microscope? There is one direction of inquiry that I can clearly indulge, indicated by the paraphrased interrogative below:
“How detrimental is it to want to be more?”
As detrimental as the sum of all mankind’s tragedies. As Spenser says, “He that strives to touch a star oft stumbles at a straw.”
Tragodia
What is our stage? The play of life. Dramatis personae: tyrants, titans, cynics, philosophers, strategists, warriors, sorcerers, masters, slaves. Some hum this goat-song softly on their way; others bellow their lay from mountaintops. Is our manner exaggerated and grandiose?
What is our prize? The play of mind. Dramatis personae: thinking’s victims. We suffer the aegrum cogitationis. Its veil allows the changing of scenes.
Detrimentum
“Harm, reduction, defeat, overthrow.”
Bang your shield in defiance,
O warrior, tyrant’s thrall.
Despite his strategies,
shattered it will be!
They met, beak and claw,
A world stunned in awe.
They danced life’s drama,
Harmonious cacophony.
One lived, but one died
In defeat and victory,
Both so deluded
In battle’s glory.
And the kings looked on
To the stars of night,
Ever dreaming
Of cosmic fights.
Hi Carson,
I’ve been watching this thread, and also, on my own, enjoying the inquiry questions you have offered.
On your current AYP practices, thanks for sharing the details above. That helps me understand where your have come in your process. 
On another note: about that arm and skateboarding: Are you using or planning to use elbow pads for protection? I’m very safety oriented when it comes to recreation, and I’ve never broken a bone. Sorry if I’m over-involved here 
Be
Absolutely, yes. When I do formal practices, the I sense is strengthened. Just to sit and observe is the best practice for me. I might do Om chanting if inspired to, but just for the love of the Om sound, not as a practice. Why do formal practices sometimes strengthen the I? Because structured practices are a subtle doing, and its hard to avoid them containing an intent and sense of doership. In just sitting still, which is no practice at all, even the doer comes undone.
The Self, in its aspect of formless awareness, has no agenda, no motivation, no goal, no desired outcome in mind. It illumines ignorance and enlightenment equally, regarding expressions of hatred and malevolence with the same gaze that regards love and kindness. It’s altogether beyond these opposites.
To simply sit still and observe (when you have cultivated enough witness consciousness) is the most powerful practice for ego-undoing. Because the ego is always trying to get somewhere, do something, achieve something.
The Self doesn’t share this nature. It’s absolutely fine with whatever appearances pass through it. It’s just like the empty space in a room, the space isn’t affected by what happens within it. The space doesn’t say “No, I want to see good things in the space” or “Oh yes I like this!”. It’s free from such preferences, content with what is.
Just sitting, and observing, we let go of that identification of trying to get somewhere or do something, and we ourselves become like the empty space in the room, content with whatever appearance may arise.
What is happiness? Not a particular feeling surely. All feelings, all states, come and go. It is the nature of things that pleasure and pain chase one another. True happiness is not a move to a positive state, it’s just the total absence of resistance to whatever is taking place, right now.
Do you feel me or am I ranting?
love
josh
Great post josh. This discussion, however, raises something that has bothered me for years in yogic philosophy. Just doesn't feel right. The Self may not care what the circumstances are, nor any quality of the moment. Technically true. However, that is because the Self sees that the true nature of consciousness, which is blissful and peaceful, and it sees it in every permutation of external life. The fact is that there is no suffering from the highest perspective, because it is seen that all things have a purpose, and all things pass, and all things are play. So the Self is simply wise, infinitely wise, because it sees the true nature of existence. And yet the Self does want. But not in the way the ego wants. The Self emanates desires, sakti, but isn't concerned one way or another about the outcome of those desires. But of course the Self desires, for how else would we be here?
Hey 
Your question takes me beyond the areas where I really feel qualified to comment. Does the Self desire? I don’t know. If I look into my being perhaps it will tell me an answer.
I can say that the Self IS ‘What Is’. The ego, (meaning false identification as body/mind) is an activity in consciousness that often manifest as seeking something other than ‘What Is’ or resisting ‘What Is’. But obviously, even the ego is part of What Is! Certainly I’m not one to speak negatively of desires. Without some sort of desire, we’d simply cease moving and die.
The desire that I refer to in a slightly negative sense is the simple act of resisting the moment, the contraction of attempting to pull away from or seek something other, than what is here, Now. The act of trying to subtly control experience in any way, via spiritual practice or otherwise, instead of just noticing that the Self, awareness, is already letting everything just be as it is. It’s not even negative really, just something to become aware of, so one loses identification with the grasping and resisting. Upon noticing one’s constant attempts to control, sometimes the grace of dis-identification may occur, and surrender then happens. Phew! Freedom from the need to maintain an illusion of control.
To find the right practice for us, we have to look to the intuition. Highly structured practices can be highly effective sometimes. At other times, the subtle-est and most technique-less practices become more appropriate and effective.
Ahhh, OK I see where you’re coming from. Yes, I agree. This is a good practice. We should un-do the ego in order to let the Self find us.
But I meant from a philosophical perspective, which accounts for the difference. The Self wants to play, to interact, to express. Siva and sakti in an eternal dance.
But the desire of the Self is much different from the desires of the ego. These desire emanate from the heart and are proposed without condition. They just are. But ultimately, we have a desire to live, here, now, otherwise why would we be here.
Hi bewell
Not over-involved at all. No, I’m not using safety gear and don’t really have any plans to either. Not that I’m masochistic or anything, but they just feel so restrictive and unnatural while in action. In this case I fell from about 10-12 feet up into a one-handed handstand position so elbow pads/wrist guards/helmet etc wouldn’t have made much difference… gravity works. 
I’ve broken more bones then I care to count, so it’s kinda par for the course over here.
My wife commented today that I have a bit of a pattern here. Engage in some sort of extreme activity, pushing the limits for as long as possible (usually about a couple of weeks) before I hurt myself and have to take anywhere between a week and a couple months off to heal. Self pacing can really be applied to anything and I’m truly terrible at it in nearly all ways.
Love,
Carson 
I don’t know about you, Carson 
It appears that your body is so far out on the extreme end of the normal curve of strength resilience and dexterity that it makes you lonely, and so you injure yourself to better relate to the majority of us, or so that we can better relate to you --Kind of like playing a game with one hand tied behind your back to keep it interesting. But it does not work, because we soon learn that he whole act is choreographed. So you are back to being alone. But we love you. 
Hi bewell
I’ve been letting this post sit with me for a couple of days now and have been inquiring into the possibility that your suggestion could be right. For the first day and two-thirds I had thought that you might be misreading… but yesterday, as I watched myself rearrange the furniture in the living room, including two full-sized, fully loaded bookcases, with a broken arm, I realized that there is a chance you are on to something.
And we love you too.
Love,
Carson
It’s just a beautiful expression of bhakti-gone-wild.