I started with AYP about a year back. before that there was always something lacking… something empty. After about 6 months of AYP there was a very big difference in the way I started seeing things… everything was there… I saw everything, but somehow I was a little detached from it all. For the last 3 months I was really happy. Nothing got me down or upset. I guess that was the inner silence that Yogani talks about… pouring out into my everyday life… I had my practices under control, started with yoga again, no energy spikes or overloads. There was real peace… like nothing could touch me… On Saturday something really small and stupid happened… but for some reason it threw my entire inner silence into a spin… I have been crying my heart out… for no apparent reason. I am feeling really sad, my heart is so heavy, and my eyes are puffy and red and hurt, my head hurts… I just cannot control it… I don’t even know why I am sad 
… I have not done any of my practices other than spinal breathing and meditation… that too was just 20 min total… and all the time I had tears rolling down my cheeks… I am really scared, because this is how I used to be when I was depressed. I don’t want to go back there.
Hello Shanti,
it just sounds like a mood swing so far. No reason to worry about it.
Take care of yourself, be nice to yourself, and do the same things you do when you are happy. It should pass shortly.
Do you have any people around you whom you can tell how you feel and who respond in a loving way?
-D
Hi Shanti - I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a rough patch. When something like this hits, and there’s no logical explanation for it (ie, nothing dramatic caused it), it may be that something big is working its way to the surface, which isn’t much consolation at the moment, but will be once it’s gone. I know you’re not big on visualization 
but try thinking of it as a knot that’s being slowly untied. In this way its presence may appear less solid and daunting; more pliable. If all else fails, there’s a host of people here who know depression and can help you along.
Wish… but no… I am supposed to be the shoulder that others cry on… people are not used to seeing me this way.
How would a mood swing come on so suddenly and stay this long… Anyway, as long as that is what it is, and I am not going to slip into a depression again… I can live with it… Thanks David.
Hi Shanti, three days, or even two weeks, is well short enough to be considered only a mood swing.
P.S. You are saying that you have no (apparent) reason to be depressed. Firstly, let me say that there is never a reason to be depressed — depression has causes, not reasons.
So what you are saying is that there is no cause in your external life situation for depression. This is certainly true in certain cases of depression. However, sometimes there are, in a person’s life situation, causes for depression which they either can not or will not see or face. Maybe they are afraid of seeing them, or they are not allowed to see them.
This is not happening in your case, is it? I mean, earlier you said you had no cause for depression, being surrounded by beautiful children and a loving family… and yet… in the post on forgiveness, I get the impression that someone close to you is in certain ways quite difficult (or at least, you find them difficult).
What gives? I mean, the difficulties you are having with this person are not depressing, are they?
Hi David,
The forgiveness part of it is a situation that is a part of my life I don’t have to deal with too often. These people are miserable all the time and have a way to make me feel that way every time I talk to them…fortunately , I have to talk to them once in 2 weeks and hopefully not meet them for atleast 2 more years. And since my post I have actually talked to them twice and not let them get to me. Actually in an email to Yogani, he had told me that in my case it was not a question of forgiveness, it was more a choice of drawing a line as to how far I should let them control my life… and that is what I am doing…
They might have been one of the many reasons for my depression… and there are days they still get me down, but never like this. This is different. The day I posted the prev. one, it was right after I was done talking to them, and they made me feel like I was a total looser… and I thought maybe if I did learn to forgive them, I would not ever let them make me feel that way. However, it is was something I did want to get over… but they don’t get me this down… do you know what I mean?
PS. Also, there are many things in my life that can get me depressed… all the things that would upset me then, are still there now, and are not going to go away. The only thing is, I now know (or atleast I thought I did) how to not let it bother me. Ever since I can remember, I have been a sad miserable person… I was always really good at hiding it… I thought I was over that… that is why I am scared… I dont want to move back to square one…
Yes, I do understand. I was trying to get an accurate picture and I am glad to hear that this difficult person is not too close.
-D
Hi Shanti:
Often tmes, symptoms of purification can mimic feelings we have had at an earlier time when we were much more stuck in a particular blockage. That can be a little unnerving for sure. Over the past few years, I have seen quite a few situations like this, with things clearing up and a happy ending. Well, no ending – just a new opening and on to more purification, beginning from a much better place than we were before.
Of course, we can’t say what exactly is happening in your case. The unwinding is as unfathomable as karma itself. You are wise to self-pace and be patient. You are doing just right. Something tells me that you will be through this sooner rather than later.
Don’t forget to do some daily exercise. If you treat this like an energy excess (hitting the emotions in this case) and do a good amount of grounding activity, it will help.
The guru is in you.
Thank you Sir.
Thanks Meg. We must have been posting at the same time, and I missed your post.
Shanti, just please don’t stop practicing. No matter what.
My intuition, for what it’s worth, is that you’re on the brink of feeling much, much better. I think you’re starting to maybe let go of a lot of baggage, and that can be an anxious, upsetting time. But I really believe good things are right around the corner, and all of us here are sending you good vibes.
Ever notice how when you view the world with your deepest, most inner witness awareness, that things look a little sharper (more 3-D!)? Maybe take a short walk right now and check it out. The world is more beautiful than we could even bear to notice.
Don’t stop practicing. Don’t stop.
Oh Jim, I would never stop. AYP is the best thing that has happened to me in this life time, I would not let it go for anything. I sorry if I gave that impression. I sat through my meditation… even if all I did was cry…
No I will not stop… Thanks for your positive vibes… and if my client wasn’t on the phone every 5 min asking me “are you done yet”… maybe I would take that walk right now… its beautiful outside today… finally 70 degrees.
Your reward is the walk, and I think it’s going to be a real good one for you. Also, please reread…I neurotically edited my posting a bunch of times. Finally got it right.
Thanks all of you… David, I guess I did not need anybody at home to [quote]
tell how you feel and who respond in a loving way?"…
[/quote] but I have a whole bunch of people here who know how to make me feel better… where were you guys 10 years back when I could have really used you…
Thanks all… really… all of you are awesome…I think I feel better already… atleast I have a smile again (not a fake one that I was walking around with all weekend)… I am sure the heaviness in my heart will be gone soon…
I’ve been spending a considerable amount of time with a friend who is about as depressed as you can get. She’s hit bottom, sees no way out, and it’s painful to watch her floundering without being able to pull her out. We all go there, and when you’re in it, it seems that there will never be a change - it will always be this way. All anyone can do is to assure you that it’ll pass, and all you can do is hang on to that hope. From my vantage point, my friend is in a fantastic place, as I know her depression in propelling her to make some difficult decisions, which will ultimately change her life for the better. Without the depression, that would never happen. It’s a gift.
If you guys go on a road trip, come visit me!
Shanti
I reckognize the state you are in. The crying…the heavy heart…the fear…the vulnerability…the helplessness.
I avoided that place in me for many years…I think that is part of the reason why I got cancer 10 years ago. All I can say is: Let it all unfold. Let the tears find their own way. The exposure of wounds is painful. Don’t think about it - just be with it. It will heal that way. Notice how spaciousness will follow in the wake of this discharge. When the heaviness is out - in the space cleared - your essence will emerge again. All I can give you is this poem:
“The return of my Heart”
I remember
I have missed you so
Bit by bit I abandoned my heart,
couldn’t tolerate the world saying “no”
while my presence was pierced with a dart
I am sorry, so sorry that I left you
for what I thought was solid and rich
I am sorry I thought I could own you
by scratching the world and its itch
I still don’t know quite how intrinsic
you are to my true existence
I still don’t know how your forensic
keeps dissolving my rigid resistance
Then again, it’s not I that can know this
To think that, was my second mistake
The first was to cover the fact that I miss,
and instead stay wed to the fake
I thank God for undressing my eyes
I thank me for allowing the truth
I thank Life for transcending my lies
I thank You for expanding my youth
Katrine 2004
May all your Nows be Here
Thanks Katrine… that was very beautiful. I guess I should not suppress this right? I should let it all flow out… no matter how many days I have to give the excuse of having allergies to explain my eyes and face 
…
Hi Shanti,
I agree with Meg, sounds like something working itself out of your system. Releases can sometimes come all at once like a dam breaking as Yogani describes, this can be a result of practices over the long term that have been a bit on the “too much” side. I had a similar experience once if you read my 2nd post on this thread and once it passed I did feel much better for it:
http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=637
I also agree with Katrine, there’s no need to repress it; you can watch or witness it without labeling and realize that it can’t touch that awareness that is you deep inside. There’s no need to be afraid, you can’t set yourself back as you have awareness this time, I think you will find you feel lighter once it passes.
All the best!
I may not be able to help much here. Just have a deep deep resonance after reading your situation— not that I am like you, but that one of my once dearest friend resemble in some ways your situation, like repression of deep feeling; often because of a willingness to give, and finally get hurt either consciously or unconsciously. But you are doing fine, as you are willing to tell us your feeling here. We will be here to listen to your feeling.
So as long as you’re conscious of your deep feeling, there are some hopes and helps from the inside and outside. You’re in great pain now. Knowing that there are those know your pain (even though we can’t feel it in your way) will probably make you feel a little bit better.
When I look at those who keep conforting the others and gives too much and get hurt; who could tell no one about their sadness and pain because they don’t allow their feeling to express—I worry about how and whether we can help them. Is this a misery they’re bounded to suffer?
That was really sweet Alvin… you hit the hammer on the nail(I think thats how it goes, or is it the other way 
…) All these days this was true… there was no place for me to get my feelings out… but now I have found a place. I promise I wont bore all of you with my troubles, but it did feel good to get it out of my system yesterday. Thank you all for listening and being so supportive. Growing up there was never anybody I could go to and breakdown… I was always the strong one, and if ever I did breakdown, everybody around me seemed lost. All my life I have looked for somebody whose shoulder I could borrow to cry on… never found one… I have given up… I have realized, the only shoulder I need is my inner silence, when that is there, there is no problem big enough, that I cannot handle myself…with help from all of you too, for a few situations… I think that is why I panicked when this silence was suddenly gone.
This morning I tried meditation again… spinal breathing was good, meditation… not too good… but samyama was bad… now I know why Yogani says we need a little inner silence before we do samyama. I think I will take a break from samyama for a while.
One thing that was different though was Yoni mudra kumbhaka… It felt a lot bigger and closer… not sure I can explain this in words…
Once again, thank you listening and helping me so much… I know I am at the right place.