Pre-script: wow this is a lot of words laughing at myself
Some observations after the Kripalu retreat
The retreat experience already feels like a dream I can barely remember. Like it was some other me there. And it didn’t take long afterward to get closed down, and re-identified with the same traps and walls that were absent at the retreat. I had the giggles, and a glowing warmth about me for a few days. It was easy to connect at first. It felt like I could cut through all the outer layers and really connect with people.
But ten days later it seems like I’m right back into the icy cold fortress of solitude and separation. It’s not bothering me (in fact I feel good just to know that connection was possible), but I’m just amazed at the stark differences. There’s a lot of opening to be done.
Some scenery from practices has reminded me that I have taken something home from the retreat besides sweet memories. Far from it.
Love bubbles floating up from the root and popping in the heart. Millions of little effervescent bubbles shooting up like the spray from a carbonated beverage. And some big jumbo bubbles like the ones that interrupt the flow when dumping out a bottle of water. Felt like falling in love with my own heart. That gushing love. The retreat was oozing with it.
Crown opening is continuing. There were a few seconds in one practice with energy getting through the top. It looked like water flowing through a strainer, and out the top from several tiny holes - plus the one giant channel up the middle. It was the first time I’ve felt that river of light flow in two years. The energy starts to accelerate to what seems like lightspeed, minus any resistances in the nervous system. I only let a trickle go through (self pacing) but even that was quite amazing. This was during samyama, and sutras were carried away instantly by the river, like a giant vaccuum cleaner. They were swallowed whole by silence, no letting go necessary. Afterward I was really wondering, “what am I?” What am I that I could see this. That I could experience the speed of light.
Multi-dimensional heart rotational realignment. Hard to describe more detail, but heart seemed to be rotating in small bursts, at very high frequencies, with some type of vertigo that gave me the notion of extra dimensions. I let it flutter around and do its thing, fully expecting to burst forth in tears at any moment, but they never came. It was a silent realignment.
Silence, quickly filling all the openings. A growing awareness that as “obstructions” are cleared by energy moving through pathways (with wonderful symptoms and scenery as described above) that all these spaces are filled with silenced. Emptiness and openness everywhere is filled absolutely full (right to the top) with nothing, that same silence.
Insight: Every thought and action has a kernel of truth to it. At its deepest level, each action (literally everything I do) is love. On top of that tiny grain of real intention is mountains and mountains of bullshit. Several state of the art waste treatment facilities are going to be necessary to ever strip down all those layers and get in touch with the true action. But at least I know it’s there.
I’ve been yo-yo’ing between these beautiful experiences and insights, and my memories of interactions shared at the retreat, and my “real life” which doesn’t seem to match up at all. Occasionally wondering how to connect the two. Trusting the practices to do most of the work - but realizing karma yoga is my own responsibility as well.
P.s.
Love JDH
American Baba,
It’s impossible for me to think of you and not smile and laugh.
I read some more about material monism on wikipedia.
“Material monism is a Presocratic belief which provides an explanation of the physical world by saying that all of the world’s objects are composed of a single element”
Everything is made of the same thing. Sounds awfully familiar.
Rattan, thanks for the pictures.
And thank you to everyone. It’s amazing, just thinking of you and writing to you a little bit, looking at a few pictures, starts the love flowing a little.
Hi Sparkle & All,
I was just speaking generally, though I can see how my phrasing might have made it appear otherwise.
What I meant to say was:
It’s wonderful to see this number of retreats beginning to take place; especially retreats that are yielding such positive experiences for everyone, even as the number of retreats increases.
There’s kind of a momentum to AYP retreats now, as of this year, that is of course built upon the foundation of everything about AYP to date, including previous retreats.
It just seems like an exciting new phase of AYP’s growth and expansion - and I’m simply very happy to see it, because I know the potential that AYP has to benefit anyone who consistently and sincerely practices.
Wholeheartedly,
Kirtanman
I haven’t been able to see the photos from the retreat - how do I get to them? Thanks
Are you on Facebook?
Even if not, this link should work:
https://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=285950&id=590618316&l=9e4a573fb9
Let me know if you can see the pics.
Hi every one, I mean, every dear,
I think it’s time to share my experience of the retreat:)
The silence and and energy of the retreat are strong and enormous. This everybody bore witness to, and need not to be repeated again. I describe the experience of meditating in this field as meditating in a true master’s meditation. And the true master is none other than the Source itself. Of course, this is made possible by so many hearts willingly opening up, letting go and melting together into one. That wonder and beauty can only be gestured at by language: language is foil, experience is the gold.
This retreat was significant to me,besides the silence, the energy, the many hearts melting into one, is becoming more spiritually mature. By spiritual maturity I mean both a recognition/awareness of more fundamental pattern of one’s karma and a instant intuition of one’s own spiritual condition. Different from last retreat, in this one, I was very aware of my own conditions and started to self pace from the right beginning. The intuition of the spiritual conditions has become so sensitive that it just knows on site where I was in terms of loading the capacity for practice. (This, in the long run, will bring huge benefit and help to avoid big mistakes on the path.)As a result, there has been no discomfort from overloading. Actually while I was traveling in Hawaii, I was able to come back to 20mins DM quickly. and I knew the silence was strong, I feel the wavy energetic ecastasy even in meditation.
The insight dialogue, though overloaded me, was another great gain. Both Michael (Mr. Mickey) and I were fully present and, being such a perfect mirror, the spontaneous flow of words come back from Michael as truth in its crystal clarity. I was a bit startled to face one of the fundamental patterns of my karma: romantic longing and balancing upon an imbalance, which can be termed “the poetry karma.”
This is what I’ve been feeling till now. But it is too early to evaluate the five day retreat, whose effect will be long lasting. I have a sense that the silence and the wavy ecastasy will continue to merge and grow in the coming months.
Thank you Katrine and Carson for leading the retreat!
Thank you Michael for the Insight dialogue!
Thank you Richard for the compassionate companionship throughout!
Thank you Matt for giving me the ride and support (your jacket had been meditating with us all the time, so wear it more)!
Thank you Jeff for being my bro,
Thank you all the girls, young or mature, for letting me hug you to my heart’s full, you are all cute girls to my arms:)
Finally, sorry Yogani, I made quite a few jokes on you during walks:)
Hi JDH and all that have shared after the retreat. It is such a privilege to be given moments of your lives, and to witness the impact of the retreat. Thank you so much.
Yes I can vouch for the power of seeing what is there. And yes - there is a lot to see. What we see is freed from being hidden drives leading to unconscious actions. That is why honesty is so crucial. And kindness towards oneself. Because it often hurts to see - when the context of it all is not an integrated fact. Only so much can be tolerated before imbalance creates inner turmoil that prolongs the suffering of identification. In my experience, the honest intention of seeing myself as I am is always enough. Layers do not need to be stripped down. Whatever is there will show itself when we are ready for it to be revealed. I spent so many years beating myself up with thoughts of “not being there”, while all the time, this possibility of simply seeing what is here in this moment passed me by.
JDH - it is wonderful to hear of your newfound connection. Even if you feel yourself “close down” to the outer world, you - you as you are - have been found inside yourself. It is very visible in your sharing. It is very common to wish for the “love and the openness” once we have thoroughly tasted it…it is all we long for isn’t it…
But in the end, it all boils down to being enough just as we are. As long as the intention of opening and true action is there - even the word “connection” stops being valid. You are yourself then. This is always enough. From here life flows, opens and closes, gives and takes, cries and laughs. Loves and hates.
In order to see…light is needed. The potency of the seeing (light/awareness/inner silence) deepens along with our daily practices and engaged living.
Please give Bailey a hug. I still sense her - she is fine with herself, isn’t she
I just got back from a dog sledding trip up in the very north of Norway (Kirkenes) and I met around 40 huskies up there. They all teach me the simple fact of honest living, devotion to their owners, sometimes a slave to their instincts, but still serving, being themselves in all their many humorous - and not so humorous ways - they are total in every engagement. This authenticity is what shines out…this is the beauty in my eyes. We all carry this potential of being authentic.
When coupled with conscious bhakti and a willingness to look…who knows what wonders can come of only one human being accepting and opening in allignment with the rythm of life.
Keep being kind to yourself Jeff.
All the best.
Thanks for that link! nice pics, thanks so much for thinking of making them to remember the experience by Pieter! Off to meditate…
Thank you Katrine. I’ll stay light about it. It was great to see all that, the opening and the closing, in stark contrast. And now it will slowly unravel in action - as slowly as my resistance to change, and my unwillingness to look. Paradoxically, it’s fear and resistance of my own potential. And so like you said, I must come to trust my own honesty.
“As the obstructions are gradually removed, the experience of pure bliss consciousness steadily rises. It is like watching a tree grow.” - Yogani
Kripalu was just a springtime bloom on my branches. The seeds are planted. It’ll all come to fruition in its own time.
And Bailey has been my new walk and talk partner for grounding since Kripalu. Not much of a talker, but boy is she a good walker.
Hi JDH, make sure next time you teach me some doggy slang next time we meet:D Love dogs though I can’t raise one here…