[quote=“capucine”]
How to change panic into love during deep meditation ?
[/quote]You are, just by meditating, although it might take a little time to get there.
Just continue with the procedure of easily favouring the mantra. If the unpleasant emotions become so strong that they interfere with that procedure, follow the instructions in Lesson 15, I think it’s the 4th paragraph.
All the best 
Thank you BlueRainCoat 
.
I had forgot this lesson. It helps me too for the pain I have at throat during deep meditation.
Hi capucine,
You already received good advice from BlueRaincoat regarding how to manage discomfort.
how to do it ?
Reading [Lesson 67 - Bhakti - The Science of Devotion](https://www.aypsite.org/67.html) and [Lesson 340 - Transforming Emotional Energy for Enlightenment](https://www.aypsite.org/340.html) should shed some light on that. That quote is from the latter. I brought up bhakti because when at loss in life, it's something we can always rely on.
Continuation of the story…
I continue to meditate. I had a pain at the throat, it’s gone. After, I had a big pain in the top of the back during weeks. Asanas and qi gong helped a lot. And one day, during a sweaty meditation, the pain is gone and since it’s like I win strength.
My mother doesn’t want to go with me to see a professional or to do a therapy. Maybe alone, but not with me, it’s sure.
I went outside more often and one week alone for holidays.
I wanted to invite a friend at home, give him vegetables from the garden. My mother was really opposed to this idea. Some weeks after, I went outside to walk alone one day. She made me swear that I would be alone and not go to see this friend. So I swore, I didn’t want to see him, I just wanted to walk alone… but I had the feeling I was like a prostitute in her eyes…
I really don’t understand. This friend is someone very good and full of qualities, spiritual like you here (I met him when I began to meditate). She always says that it’s missing people with these qualities in life. She met him and she saw that’s it was someone very common. But she continues to say it’s a bad man and she dreams up things that are false. It’s like she wanted I saw no one she didn’t know before. In the past, all my infrequent friends were “bad” people and with time I stopped to see them. For her, I would must see only wealthy doctor practitioners or notary with a big house and a big car and a good familly… you see the picture. Even in this case, I’m sure it would not be okay.
It lets me very sad to see I can not see who I want and that I cannot invite who I want in “my” home. I just see I don’t really have a home.
Moreover, I want to do some courses or formations I’m sure she didn’t want I did (like a AYP retreat).
That’s why I take the decision to leave my home (maybe my job if it’s necessary) soon. I feel strong enough now. To have the freedom to see who I want and to do what I want in my free time.
I prayed for her during 2 or 3 years, to give her more light, love, respect, trust, kindness, empathy. But it seems there are no effects.
She just cries more often because of me or because of other people around her (they are often rude, violent, impatient). They react like a mirror to her and she doesn’t see or understand it and doesn’t want to change. She begins to have health problems.
These days, she cries because her doctor retires and she doesn’t manage to find an other as good and kind. She feels abandoned. And if I leave her, she will feels very abandoned again.
How can I help her ?
By helping yourself. You will not be helping either of you by bending to her pronouncements and judgements.
Hello capucine
It’s good to hear about your progress with meditation.
[quote=“capucine”]
And if I leave her, she will feels very abandoned again.
How can I help her ?
[/quote]It doesn’t sound like you can prevent her from feeling abandoned. Her own mind is creating that prison for her. You can offer people a hand, but if they don’t want to get out of their prison, that is their choice.
You can try to explain to her that you don’t want to shut her out. That your door is open for her, but that you will begin to make your own choices about what other people you have around. If she doesn’t accept that, then there isn’t much you can do about it.
Wouldn’t it be easier to keep your current job and get your own place? Leaving your mother’s house and your job at the same time could be a lot of change at once.
Good luck!
Did I not say, look up Borderline personality disorder? Look it up. You aren’t capable of fixing it. There’s no spirituality that can fix it. You’re honesty is the best policy. No, I’m not doing that. I feel like you are trying to manipulate me. Best do stand up sooner rather than later. It’s gotta be gentle, though.
Thank you.
You are agree to say I can do nothing for her. I could just live my own life and open my door to her, and be gentle.
Lalow, you speak of bordeline personality disorder. I don’t really understand it, even in french. Can you explain this disorder, or use other words, or do you have a link to explain it ?
This is your life and you must do what you like. Family needs to understand such things.
You can always tell them what you are feeling deep down. It’s just a matter of accepting and moving on.
True love is born from understanding.
Hello,
I come back on this forum after a long time. And see this old topic.
I’ve changed a lot in 2 years. Now I’m living in my own house, alone and happy with a peaceful mind with my family (who is always not agree with all my daily choices: food, garden, friends, hobbies…). It took me time for this result. I needed a lot of courage and to focus on the result, step by step.
And AYP gave me all the energy to achieve.
My practice is not very regular in duration (20 to 60 min, sometimes 90 min), but I continue to pratice 2 times a days, of always basic practices that I try to increase, but it’s not yet very comfortable to add a new one.
I have high and low states in practices. Always some painful overloads in belly when I want to stay to much time in “high” love state, it’s so good, but it’s more seldom than the beginning, 4 years ago.
My diet changes progressively. After stopping lactose and gluten at the beginning of AYP, I’ve stopped to eat meat since some months, and all without deprivation feeling.
Thank you yogani and all of you for AYP.
Great news Capucine!
Keep listening to your inner advice, your body, and your spirit. I am currently in a stable state of lesser energy/bliss and sharper silence. It has been interesting the past few years to feel each ebb and flow, how the “flavors“ separate or fold into each other. I have come to appreciate how practices have opened me to feeling states at all. In your case, the silver lining to being practice sensitive allows you to devote less of your time to them!
Welcome back capucine! It’s so great to hear one’s story of how AYP has helped them change for the better. It’s very inspiring, especially your story. Thank you!